After ---- Before

[Enola]

After the Last one- (I'm doing this first and then the before in hopes this will convince me not to do this)

I'm going to go on an answer the After questions too while I wait (lad did da) for this xanax to kick in, and because keeping my fingers busy is a good thing -- NOTE this is based on after this weekend - NOT today.

Questions to Answer After A Slip slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. Yes - neosporin antibiotic cream and big bandages

what had happened just before? panicky all day; running late; no time to nap but needed to nap; didn't get done all I needed to do at work

what were you thinking and feeling? overwhelmed; totally out of control; panicked; stressed; worthless

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? I was at home; alone; I had no time to deal with my feelings; I felt rushed to move onto the next step and stage



*Detailed description of si incident*








how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. I went to the pharmacy after work Friday. I needed to pick up a snack to take on my girls night out. I was really panicky but didn't want to take a xanax and be zoned during the drive home or during my night out (or too tired) so I just walked around the store for awhile looking at their buy one-get one deals – trying to walk off the panic, because I didn't want to drive just yet. Found some stuff I needed. Walked by the shaving cream/razors aisle and was debating disposables or sucking it up and buying a good one and then just getting replacement blades. Their razors (the expensive ones) are behind these plastic overhangs that you have to lift up. I was looking and found myself starting at a box of disposable razors - {expensive ones}. I picked it up and looked at it. Stared at it. Then this electronic beep sounds and this voice says something about "shopping at [store]." So I feel like everyone is now staring at me and I move on, carrying the box with me. I check out. I drive home in a total fog. I get home and am going to shower so I can shave my legs and wear capris out. As I am getting ready to get in the shower I look at the box of razors. I stare at it. I open it. These things are flimsy. They look like plastic. I figure it has to be the cover of the box and pick it up. I don't realize it is the razor until I realize my finger is bleeding. So I stood there staring at my legs. I thought, well I will try it - it will hurt like hell and the blood will cause me to feel faint and that will be the end of it. Instead of panicking over trying to fight this urge off - let's just do it, it won't work and it will be done. So I do - only my legs. The calmness is intense - way more than with {my other method}. I shower and get out and clean and bandage my leg. Then I break down crying. Not because of doing it - because I'm not sorry I did it. But because it wasn't a bad experience. It felt good - it was a total calming experience. It was better than {my other method}. And that scared me.





*end description*





were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? being off meds; lack of sleep; lack of food - I'm working on getting better.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? I didn't try much else - I should have taken my meds.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. Carry written contract on paper; take meds and be accountable in regular intervals

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? I feel self-loathing and like a failure now. I'm still overwhelmed and tired. I have tried to get someone hired. I'm trying to sleep; although sleep never seems to be enough.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? Yes, I'm still there. Feel like I live there.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. Make sure I've eaten; take my medications, try a distraction technique (reading, writing here, deep breathing, surf web, play online game, write, get up and move around)

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other? Quick and easy. I knew it would work. It didn't involve anyone else or require being vulnerable to anyone or asking anyone for help.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking? The opportunity was there; I made the opportunity bigger by purchasing blades at the store.


What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? I would have {hurt myself using my other methods}; had a panic attack.

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased? increased and the panic would have been overwhelming

What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling? alone, being alone

If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel? mad; overwhelmed; panicky; out of control; resentful


Before You Self-Harm write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? The intensity will go away and I'll be calmer, the underlying situation will still be there, but I'll be calm enough to deal with it in the short term.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? it will bring physical calmness and take away panic. In the short term.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? In the long run I want this to be over. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to have energy again. I want to stop being so anxious and tense all the time. I want to be "normal." I want to stop having this urge.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? depends - could be 1/2 day - could be 20 minutes

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation I'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? follow my contract; type here; avoid the bathroom; get immersed in a project - it will last a little while. If I can hold out until noon, then I have a meeting the rest of the afternoon.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? Guilty, mad, upset, self-loathing, if I hurt myself; satisfied if I do the alternative

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? I really want to go home, crawl back into bed, under the covers and stay safe. Stop being so jumpy. I don't know how to accomplish that at work. I could close my door and take 5 minutes but I know closing my door and being "alone" is not a good idea right now.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? Panic; annoyance at assistant's persistent bothering of me; overwhelming work load; inability to concentrate; recruit for new job wanting too much money; leg itching terribly; irritable at myself for wanting to do it

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? Yes, been here before. {hurt myself} to deal with it It felt good at first and during. But bad after. I've done other things like write, get on chat, IM a friend.

How do I feel right now? pathetic, stupid; weak; panicky; irritated

How will I feel when I am hurting myself? calm, blissfully calm

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I'm trying to get someone hired to help at work. I am taking my medications.


**It's now 5 hours since I wrote the "before" and I've not SI-ed - whew**

[KathyG]

Good for you for holding on and holding out.

I hope that you are feeling better too.

Take care.

[Smeagol]

Hi Enola

Welcome to b&a. Well done on not si-ing. That's really good!

Wrt what led up to you self-injuring, from your description it looks to me like there were a couple of factors:
1. You were quite zoned out
2. The opportunity to get tools.
3. You accidentally hurt yourself
4. A need to do something/resolve the anxiety
5. Self-injuring worked really well; it calmed you down.

Do you think that's a fair summary of the factors behind why you hurt yourself, abstracted away from the step by step description?

Now, thinking about the other half of the question you were answering, can you see any points at which you could have made different decisions which might have led to you not si-ing? Can you think of things you can do in future that don't involve si when these factors arise? Not necessarily ones which would prevent you from si-ing, but which might make it less likely?

A theme in your post seems to me that you were feeling very panicky. I wondered whether there's anything you can do to try and calm down next time you feel like that? You mention later that you want to crawl under the covers and stay safe. That sounds like a really good idea! But I know it won't always be possible, so when you're short of time can you grab ten minutes to breathe deeply or something? Or I shred paper. I keep receipts in m ypockets and fold them and twist them, or just screw them up and hold them in the palm of my hands. Another thing I do is I wear comfy clothes, ones I associate with feeling safe. Is there anything like that you can do which might help you relax when you're feeling that stressed but you can't actually go away and hide?

The second theme I notice is that you were feeling out of control. Not getting stuff done, in a rush. That's really stressful. Is there anything you can do to assert control when you're feeling like that? Anything which will assert that no matter how much stuff is piling up you can still make choices and control things? My big thing is cleaning. Cleaning my desk, folding my clothes. Just asserting order in my domain. Would anything like that help you? A more practical type thing might be to sit down and write a schedule for the things which are stressing you. I know that I find things less daunting when I can grab them and fix them on paper and write a time down next to them. Sometimes I right down really easy things as well just so I can tick them off when they're done. .

Take care
Gwylan

[Enola]

Okay - I'm under contract with my T to do the following when I feel the urge to SI -

1. Try to resist it.
2. Try a distraction technique (writing here is good)
3. If I still feel the need, use the least damaging method possible.
4. Keep harshest set of "tools" at home and don't carry those with me.
5. Be accountable in daily log when I slip up.


So I'm feeling the urge -
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the panic will end; I'll feel better now; worse later

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
calm, peace, temporary control --- take away, pride in resisting??? I don't know really what it will take away. Something maybe?

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
through the dentist appt; then I'll come back and be busy, but the appt will be over and I'll be okay

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I've already taken the xanax - twice, and written, and walked around, and gotten a drink. And tried deep breathing. It's not working

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
guilty maybe - but I've tried everything else

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to cut. But I think I can limit it. I don't know what happened to my self-protective instinct, I think it's dead

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
dentist appt, I think


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
loaded up on xanax, took a book and deep breaths, SI-ed before or after appt

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
see above


How do I feel right now?
panicky, dizzy, but ironically a sense of calmness as I think about SI


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Calm and peaceful


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
calm and peaceful, ready to face appt -- tomorrow, guilty and weak

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
can't avoid it

Do I need to hurt myself?
yes, I think

[Smeagol]

I really want to cut. But I think I can limit it. I don't know what happened to my self-protective instinct, I think it's dead

The "self-protective instinct" is referring to the idea that when we get urges that's because they're the best thing we know to make ourselves feel better. They're not random. They're not stupid. They arise as a way to look after ourselves. The idea behind this forum is that there are *other ways* to also make yourself feel better. The trick is to find out what we're trying to achieve by si-ing. If you know what feeling your self-protective instinct is trying to get rid of then you're better placed to find another way without si-ing.

Right now it sounds like anxiety, basically. Am I right? Is it a specific dentist anxiety or is it more general and the current trigger is the dentist. Cos I'm wondering whether there's anything you could do to make dentist apps easier in future? I just changed dentist and the first thing I told him was that I was nervous and I had a strong gag reflex, and he was really nice and helpful. So could you tlak to the dentist, or maybe take someone eiwth you?

Also, is there something nice you could do for yourself after the dentist (or anything that scares you)? You'll have been trhough something difficult and you deserve to reward yourself somehow.

Hope the appt went okay.

[Enola]

After Yesterday:

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. Yes I did
  
  
• what had happened just before? Panic attack; hadn't eaten real well all day; knew I had a dentist/orthodontist appointment coming
  
  
• what were you thinking and feeling? panicky
  
  
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? no final straw except the xanax wasn't kicking in and knocking the anxiety down enough
  
  
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. I'm not sure - I tried the xanax, I tried the distraction techniques
  
  
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? I haven't been eating healthily (sp?) I did go last night and buy the vitamin supplements and protein supplement T recommended.
  
  
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? I tried taking the xanax - 1/2 and then another 1/2 20 minutes later. Tried doing the "before" questionnaire, deep breathing, walking around
  
  
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? No - well someone recommended cold ice on chest or snapping rubber band. I could try that next time.
  
  
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. Wear rubber band around office?
  
  
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? No - still have regular appts. I am contemplating calling the doctor and asking special permission to take someone with me.
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? yes - next week
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

rubber band........

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other? nothing else had worked; it was quick and easy
  
  
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking? it was there
  
  
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? I would have dug nail into finger
  
  
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased? increased
  
  
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling? alone and panicky
  
  
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

Out of control

[Enola]

BEFORE

*It's been 1 week since I last SI-ed. One week and one day actually**

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I'll be diverted from the overwhelming sense of sadness. I will feel something besides sad. I will express my sadness by cutting

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring peace, control, regain stability. It will take away my sense of pride in making it this long.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to stop feeling so out of control, overwhelmed, sad, like crap.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
hopefully through Monday when I'll get answers about one of my many problems - well actually two of them (whether prospect will accept job as my asst; when I can have my jaw pins out)

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I've taken a xanax, taken all other meds as prescribed, posted here, posted on other online chat, posted on blog, getting ready to take a nap

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself I will feel guilty and full of shame.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to cut. I should try to express my feelings more, cry, yell, scream, something.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
overwhelmed with doctors not being on same page with my treatment plan, overwhelmed with pain from my jaw


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
loaded up on xanax, SI-ed

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
see above


How do I feel right now?
sad, overwhelmed


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Calm and peaceful, relieved


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
relief, yet shame and guilt. Tomorrow - guilt

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I've done all I know how to do

Do I need to hurt myself?
I think I'll nap and then see how I feel

[Enola]

AFTER

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. Yes
  
  
• what had happened just before? anxiety kept getting higher; panic sets in; jittery; upset; overwhelmed; sad; irritated
  
  
• what were you thinking and feeling? sad; overwhelmed; a bit panicky
  
  
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? I tried everything - took trileptal this morn, left house and stayed gone awhile, took xanax, took trileptal this evening, took a nap, ate supper, tried deep breathing, tried rubber band trick
  
  
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. I tried all I know how
  
  
• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? no - I was doing everything I was supposed to. It just wasn't enough.
  
  
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? See above
  
  
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? No - I tried all that I know how to try
  
  
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. ???
  
  
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? No - I don't know what else to do
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? yes, maybe
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

Try everything again?????

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other? nothing else had worked and I knew this would
  
  
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking? it was there
  
  
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? I would have gotten more sad
  
  
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased? increased
  
  
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling? alone
  
  
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

Out of control