before - drinking and sunshine don't go well :(

[caged bird]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I'll remember how it feels, I'll be more relaxed and i'll be able to punish myself for the person that i am.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring feelings but i guess at the same time it'll take them away too. it might bring me relief but it will also bring guilt

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel NORMAL and i know there's no real normality but I want to be able to cope without always feeling lie this and I guess by going back to SI i'll be starting all over again.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I'll probably cry a lot which will be a nice relief, and then, i guess i'll feel bad again, and won't have actually got anywhere - but it's so tempting

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
go to bed and sleep off the alcohol in my systemand the bad feelings I have right now and feel fine in the morning. it will make me temporarily forget how I feel right now and i suppose overall it'll be a long change beacue in the morning i'll want to SI much less

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i know I won't get up and go to my meeting, or go to my departemnt and get my work finished. if i go to bed i might feel a bit rougvh but i'll still be able to function

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
cry - as per usual and yet i can't why the fuc can i never cry when i want to


More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
becasue i've been drinking and because i watched her all over him and even if I don't fancy him any more it's stil hard to see how some girls are capable of doing that but i'm too self conscious to. I want to cut so people can't be allowed to get close to me, so i can say it's my choice that people don't care instead of it being the other way round

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
maybe not specifially here, i know i cope by setting myself a target, telling myself that if i cut then i become a bad person and i'm not allowed to do something i really want to or noeed to do. but this time it feels different, this time it's more rational, this time there's no urgency, just an aching

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
tried to sober up a little bit :s and i'm posting here, listening to music refusing to go to bed becasue then i'll have more time to think b4 i fall asleep. i can stay online until i'm so exhaused i have to go to bed

How do I feel right now?
lonely, ugly, unconfident, stressed, panicked, stupid, tired, unconfortable, upset, confused, sad - my god how can u feel so many things at once and yet not be able to experss a single one of them

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
i honestly can't remember it's been too long. i don't know if that's good or bad though part of me wants to be reminded becasue i think it'll help and part of me wants to try becasue i think it won't and i'll get over the urges - but then probably a bigger part of me is scared to try incase i get hooked again

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
maybe relieved, maybe guilty, almost certainly weak and foolish for giving in, possibly more triggered possibly less - that's the huge debate in my head right now i think

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i could drink less, but i don't thin that actually helps with how i feel. just how i experss it sometimes. i'm starting to wonder if maybe i don't really know how to deal with feelings at all

Do I need to hurt myself?
i had this debate with myself on the walk home tonight - it's the same as always I guess, need v want. need i probably don't, want i probably do. are they the same - well no but sometimes in my head that's really hard to distinguish

[Smeagol]

do people genuinely not care, or are you just not in the situation you'd like to be and that's making you feel unloved? people can still care, even if right now no-one is going out with you. do you need someone to be flirting with you to feel wanted? do you want to be somebody who's really flirty or is it more that you want to fit/be like other people?

Just questions...I'm trying to figure out why seeing someone flirt was so upsetting to you. I'm not criticising you for feeling that, but rather want to figure out why it upset *you* in the hope that maybe we can find a way to reframe taht hurt or to sooth it.

[caged bird]

i thin it's a bit of both to be honest, it was so upsetting becasue i was jealous, i was jealous that i can't be like that becasue i don't have the self confidence to, i was jealous because it comes so easily to some people, adn i was jealous becasue i guess i'm really good friends with him and maybe part of it still wanted it to be me.

i was also feeling left out becasue everyone else seemed to have someone to chat to and i didn't - which got me thinking i must be really boring. i know people care, just maybe not always in the way i'd lie them to. i know that i should be o on my own and not need to be going out with someone to be ok, but i think that a lot of me feels like if i could find someone to go out with that would make everyhting alright - naieve really

thans for the questions though - they were good to think on

[Smeagol]

I don't really know what to say, because the situation you're describing is a really big trigger for me as well. The only thing I can suggest is the tired old "did you try joining a conversation?". Or alternatively, try thinking how nice it was to be out with friends in the sunshine. The fact you were there at all means you're part of a group and people care about you.

[caged bird]

yeah i think i need to learn to remember that more often. I didn't really try joing in - i think the alcohol and depression had hit too hard by then - and yet i still never learn!

i know on the whole it was a great day i think i'm jsut fed up of them always ending like that it's a kind of self sabotage when things start going well i catch myself wondering why and then they all go back down hill again

thanks for your replies