- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation won't change the feelings will become bearable.
- what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring scars. or a broken hand. which would suck. it will take away my pride. my confidence. my ability to look my gf in the eye.
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to be HEALED. i wanna be HEALTHY. i wanna be a NORMAL person. hurting myself will NOT get me closer to this. god how i know.
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief wont last very long at all. maybe a few minutes probably. and then the self hate will return with a vengeance. and then i'll be lost. just as lost as now.
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could... i dunno. im cuddling my kitty already. i could take the dogs for a walk. they'd be happy about it. and then when that won't help...i could... uhm. write in my plcae. and my lj and spam away. heh.yeah. oh shit. i just dont know anymore.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
tomorrow i'll feel absolutely ashamed. and frustrated and angry with myself because it's short-sleeve weather.
if i did everything else... i'll just go on with this feeling of wanting to tear myself apart. it jus tHAS to pass at some point.
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what i really wanna do is do my body serious harm because of the things that were done to it.
how can i honor that? god i dunno. i really dont. because i cant punch the people that did this to me.
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
self hate, anger. memories. god the memories. i dont even wanna go there...
- Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i have been here before. i dealt with it by SIing. uhm. yeah. seems i haven'T found much of an outlet for really nasty memories.
- What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
snuggled my kitten, as always, as she likes to snuggle with me if i sit by the puter. *smiles*
i could, walk the dogs. cry. uhm. i dunno. curl up in bed. i simply dont know.
- How do I feel right now?
hateful. disgusting. awful. terrified of myself. etc.
- How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
angry. frustrated. calmer.
- Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i cant avoid this i guess. there's nothing one can do about bad memories. maybe i can talk about this with my t... about how to keep myself safe. i dunno. maybe i can ask her if i can call her next time. i dunno if i can do that though. its so embarrassing.
- Do I need to hurt myself?
it feels like it. yes. but i know it'S not true. i know it's not.
god i am really really trying to hold on. i am really trying.
