before - this is becoming a habbit

[caged bird]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i might be abe to cry, i want my feelings back - i'll be able to concentrate and i can get on with my interview preparation

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring relief to the situation - but i guess it'll probably take the emotions away

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
further - i want to feel my emotions and from what i remember SI numbs that out even more for me

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it'll be short lived - i don't now i wonder if maybe it'll help me long term - it'll either remind me what it used to be like and make things better or it won't wor the way it used to and it'll put me off again

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
crying would help but my ad's have taken that away form me so i can't feel anything - i could do some wor but that is maing the urges worse and i've been distracting myself all day

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
guilty - i'd feel better if i wored but if i try and can't do it i'll feel even worse

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to CRY damn it


More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
everyhting is just too much at the moment - i had a rough counselling session on wed and ahve been trying to cry since then :s

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i cope - the same way as always i set myself a goal that says i can't cut if i want to do something (such as go to my inyerview) i convince myself that if i cut i'm not stable enough to do it and i really want this interview even if i haven't got the motivation to prepare for it

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i've been distracting myself for 4 days - and i still have urges how is this fair

How do I feel right now?
tired of fighting - hurting inside - urgy, frustrated becasue i can't cry, sad becasue i'm a mess again, scared becasue i don't want this bac, and stupid becasue i've shut myself off for the last few days and i'm panicing every time the phone rings

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
relieved

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
guilty, stupid, angry

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
no because i need to work through my issues - but i can learn to deal with it i guess - i think i'm going to come off of the AD's actually i want to be able to feel my emotions even if they are shitty

Do I need to hurt myself?
need - no
want - yes
tough choice i guess

[balletomane]

It's hard not being able to cry. I hope you are doing better now.

[thisshallbeformusic]

before is a better habit than after