After *Big Sigh*

[hierophant]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes - been to the after hours clinic and they used some special purple glue (instead of stitches)


what had happened just before?
Nothing. I was just sitting in my room, all alone. My flat is having a party/barbeque and I just didn't feel like socialising so I haven't shown my face....just stayed in my room with the door closed - I just had these incredible urges - been feeling like it for weeks (went 9 weeks without SI then last weekend I had a slip, and now again...)

what were you thinking and feeling?
That all I want is a quiet night without the noise. Saw my parents today - every time I see them they are working outside on the garden, building a deck etc - they are supposedly seperated (the only thing is they don't live together, in a nutshell). So I don't really get any 'quality' time with them. Not that I ever have anyway

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I guess it was the barbeque at the flat and just feeling resentful of it - they didn't tell me about it until 15 minutes before people started arriving so I didn't have a chance to 'plan' for it.


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
It's all their friends that are here and they invited me and I said "thanks but not thanks, I have a lot of study to do and an assignment I had planned to work on". That is true but I could have joined in. I'm just not the party type.


were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
No


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Surfed the internet, to try and take my mind off it. To be honest I just didn't try very hard to fight the urges tonight.


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Talking to someone, reaching out when I need to. I constantly have urges and I usually know when I am going to cave into them. Tonight I caved. My friend text messaged me and I didn't reply because I was too busy cutting.


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Put a note with my "cut kit" so that when I pull it out I can see that it is not the only option.
Look at my scars, to remind myself that this is what I end up with, that there has to be a better way.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I am back home and the flat barbeque, which has developed into a party is still going. There must be around 20 people here.....maybe. I'm back in my room and the lounge door is shut, so it isn't in my face and I can't really hear the music! MAN I just want some peace tonight.....and of all nights we have a barbeque at my flat! Typical.



OPPORTUNITIES

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
I was alone, I had the urges and I was sick of holding off....so just did it.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
Was there for the taking, although I was nervous the whole time that one of my flatmates would knock on my bedroom door while I was cutting.

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
Taken my sleeping medication and gone to bed.


If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Stayed the same. It has been pretty constant for a long time now. It just depends on what I am doing at the time as to whether or not it is at the forefront of my mind or not. An opportunity for me isn't whether I have a gap where i'm on my own or anything. An opportunity for me is psychological - like when i can't fight the urge any more.


What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
Waiting for the right feeling. I have these urges and then it's like "right! i'm just gonna do it, i'm ready"


If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
Helpless - alone. Although I am reaching out a lot more often than I used to.