before

[Laura]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? --I'll feel calmer. I'll be able to get the thoughts out of my head, settle down and sleep and not be so wild tomorrow.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? --It will bring control and stability, take away the intensity of everything.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? --For quite a while now I've been feeling guilty for not self-harming very much. Times like this feel like an opportunity to put that straight.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? --It might last quite a while. But it might also lead to my wanting to SI some more, just because I'll remember how good it feels.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? --I could, and should, just go back to bed and try to sleep and hope that it will blow over in a few days.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? --If I don't SI, I'll feel both jittery and unable to control thoughts and moods, and guilty for not SIing. If I do SI but not badly enough, still guilty but more in control. If I SI really bad, I will probably feel wonderful for a while, until the consequences kick in.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? I want to express fury at certain people and then curl into a ball and rock for a bit. But I can't do that, and I have to spend most of tomorrow with those people.

[NobodyToYou]

I am sorry things are so bad...
Any way you can get at least part of what you want? For example, you can rant about the people here, and then curl up and rock for a bit...and then have some hot chocolate and put yourself to bed.
I find it interesting that you are feeling guilty about not SIing...what do you think is behind that? Maybe a loss of identity or feeling like you must justify the feelings or prove that you aren't "all better"? Or maybe something else entirely...
I hope you are ok tonight.

[mallie]

For quite a while now I've been feeling guilty for not self-harming very much. Times like this feel like an opportunity to put that straight.

Have you tried to work on these feelings at all? They sound difficult and unhelpful.

Could you possibly express your fury but not necessarily to the people it is directed at? Either journalling or talking to a friend/T/help line/bus?

I hope you're okay Laura