Before

[Abba's Girl]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? I'll be able to distract myself from feeling so lonely and betrayed, but the overall situation won't change.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? I think it'll give me a little closure. I'll actually see all the pain I'm feeling. That's what I need the most right now. I don't know that it'll take anything away, except that it's also not confronting it either.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I want to feel like my world isn't toppling, like I'm not cast away from everyone, like I actually have friends. In a way, it would be putting me farther away, because I'll just implode like I always do. Rather than hurting anyone else, I always hurt myself - but that doesn't seem to be working either.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? Just a few minutes - then I'll want to do it again or just want to go to bed, even though I won't sleep.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? I could talk to those who have betrayed me or maybe write a poem or draw. If I talk to the people who hurt me, it may help tie some loose ends - even if we don't become friends again. If I just draw or write - it'll take my mind off of it for a while, or possibly add to it or let me get some of the pain out so it's visible on paper, but not on my skin. The change probably won't last long, unless I confront the situation head on, but maybe it'll help me put it aside for a little while.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? If I hurt myself, I'll feel ashamed and just as lonely. If I confront the situation - I'll probably be more hurt at first, but maybe feel more at peace after, knowing why everythign happened the way it did. If I just write or draw, maybe I'll feel a little less hurt and could possibly even show it to the people and discuss it easier than just talking.


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? I need a distraction. I need to know I'm still alive, even though I feel dead inside right now. Being betrayed by the people I most trust has helped, but I've been feeling quite lonely for a while now.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? Yes. That's part of why I started cutting again. It didn't help anything.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? I've prayed, watched TV, come to BUS, tried talking to another friend online and to my roommate - both were too busy to talk.


How do I feel right now? Hurt, sad, lonely, unstable, depressed, angry


How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Relieved

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? Ashamed - mad at myself


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I need to confront situations head on. That would be the best way to deal with it. Rather than cowering with my feelings locked inside - I need to make my feeligns known just as much as others do.


Do I need to hurt myself? Not right now, I'm going to go do something - take a walk, go to the store, something to get out of my room.

Ok, that didn't work. I'm back to square one. I want to, need to do it. I know that the satisfaction is only temporary and that it's not going to fix anything - but right now I can't take this. I just want to stop feeling so lonely and hated and left out. I just want the world to go away. I want to be normal, not the one that everyone uses and leaves. Why can't I ever tell anyone how I really feel . Why don't I ever stand up for myself. Why do I let myself get hurt so much, yet continue to give to everyone else, though all they do is tear me down. Why do I get such pleasure out of hurting myself when it hurts so much to be hurt by others.

[plantt]

I'll be able to distract myself from feeling so lonely and betrayed
--what else could you do to distract?

That's what I need the most right now. I don't know that it'll take anything away, except that it's also not confronting it either
--*nods* sometimes invisible hurt is tough to acknowledge. how could you let yourself feel those emotions or at least acknowledge them without hurting yourself?

but that doesn't seem to be working either.
--i'm glad you can see that
feeling lonely & betrayed really suck. shutting things off though so often does distance us rather than help us feel more 'a part'

write a poem or draw.
--sounds like a good plan. what's keeping you from doing that? or are you doing that?

If I just write or draw, maybe I'll feel a little less hurt and could possibly even show it to the people and discuss it easier than just talking.
--*nods* sometimes buying a bit of time can help. sometimes it's easier to talk & face stuff when there's a little breathing room


It didn't help anything
--another good thing to realize

Not right now, I'm going to go do something - take a walk, go to the store, something to get out of my room.
--are you out of the room?
would it help to "just *do*" one of those things.. then come back... then do another... then come back?