write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the feelings will go away for a little while.
- what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
i will feel more relaxed, calmer. i will feel like i got what i deserved. but it will hurt my gf. and it will complicate things between us.
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel calm. i want to feel like i can deal with this. i want to feel relaxed.
in the short run, cutting will bring these things. in the long run it'll destroy a lot of work that i have put into feeling better.
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will last until tonite when i will see my gf. then hell might break loose and i am not ready for that.
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
take a bath. read a relaxing book. it might relax me. it might make things look not so bleak. it might give me a more positive attitude. maybe it'll show me that i do not deserve more pain.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i hurt myself i will feel deeply embarrassed and guilty.
if i take a bath and try other stuff i will possibly feel better.
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what i really want to do right now is punish myself for not getting my act together. but i also really really just wanna hug someone right now and feel warmth and love.
i can best honor this by doing something *good* for myself.
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
because of talking too much about my family. it brings back old familiar feelings. it brings back the past. it brings flashbacks and bad feelings.
- Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i cut. that's how i dealt with it. but i also tried a bath. and that worked ok. i tried reading a good book, and that worked, too. i will try these things.
- What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i have tried curling up in bed, which didn't help at all.
i will try the bath. if that doesn'T work i will try watching tv.
- How do I feel right now?
really anxious, scared, terrified, horrible, ugly, disgusting, abandoned, lonely, scared scared scared.
- How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
emarrassed, guilty, terrible yet calm
- Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
not really avoid it. but i can deal with it by calling someone maybe, ... but there really isn't anyone.
- Do I need to hurt myself?
i don't *need* to. but i feel like i do if that makes sense.
im just scared. and lonely nad feeling like i deserve this. but i will try all those other things first.
