afta

[kurdt_kobain]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

No. I don't really care.


what had happened just before?

I was reading on SI and posted on BUS about why I liked it. Then my debate cases needed to be edited and I felt like a fuck up.

what were you thinking and feeling?

Basically, that I generally suck. I'm not a REAL SIer...I'm not a good debater...I'm a failure. I can't do anything right. My parents hate me...ect.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? as there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I've been waiting for everyone to go to bed. Everyone was in bed. So I did it. That's all. I wasn't even angry/upset enough to do very much.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I don't fucking know. I don't know if there's anything else I could have done. I guess if I had a time machine, I could fix this...at the beginning of August, I wouldn't have fucked my entire life up. My grades suck. My family is ... really fucked up. My cases suck. I'm just an utter failure.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Not really. Just stress.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

Waiting, maybe. I don't even care anymore. I waited. The intense feeling went away, but I still wanted to do it. Fuck.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Not really. I don't know what I could have done. It just seemed like I should, for no praticular reason.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

I would...but I'm not even going to try.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Hah. I'm going to get my grades up. I'm gonna go work on debate. I'll fix this. I promise.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

Yeah. I don't know...

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Meh. I'd list shit, but I won't do it.
I try hard not to.
But when I want to...I don't care anymore.

[mallie]

I'm not sure what you're hoping to get from answering the questions, so I don't know what kind of response would be useful.

Are you wanting to work on your self harm or the underlying issues or is there something else you're trying to get at?

[kurdt_kobain]

Are you wanting to work on your self harm or the underlying issues or is there something else you're trying to get at?

Sorry.

I just--

I can't be like this anymore. I can't do this to myself anymore. I am going to self-destruct if I stay like this. But I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't be helped.

I posted here hoping maybe someone could say something that made sense...and make this all just go away and get out of my head.

[mallie]

You don't need to be sorry Kurdt, I just wasn't sure what you wanted, so I didn't know how to reply in any useful way.

Its hard to feel like you can't be helped. But things really don't have to stay as they are now. Change is hard, but possible.

What is it about how you are now that you can't do? Can you pin down some specifics that you want to work on? Even if you're not up to all of them yet, having an idea of what needs to be done is a place to start.

[kurdt_kobain]

Its hard to feel like you can't be helped. But things really don't have to stay as they are now. Change is hard, but possible.

People say that over and over again. I hear the same psychobabble over and over again...and it just doesn't make much sense to me anymore.

Like you tell me I just feel like I can't be helped, but I think maybe it's true. People tell me that I'm going to be okay...but they don't know that. I mean, sure, most people can be helped...but some people probably can't. And what if I'm one of those people??

What if I'm never going to be okay?

You know?

Like my T tells me that I see and think things about myself that no one else does...but that doesn't matter because I know myself better than anyone and it makes sense in my head. And I just...fuck. I don't know anymore.

Maybe they aren't just feelings, you know? They're true. I just don't think I'm going to be okay anymore. I just don't. I feel like I've tried everything.

What is it about how you are now that you can't do? Can you pin down some specifics that you want to work on? Even if you're not up to all of them yet, having an idea of what needs to be done is a place to start.

I want to feel normal. I want to not get some sick satisfaction on cutting my body into pieces. I want to be able to sit around with people and not, always, always, always abnormal or weird.

I want to be able to ignore all my problems. I want to forgive something but I don't know what. I want to be able to FIX whatever the hell is wrong with me. I want someone to explain to me why I'm a freak and why I'm different--EVERYWHERE--and how I can just blend in.

And at the same time I just want to accept and love myself despite(for?) my inability to fit in anywhere.

le sigh.

I know I should stop hurting myself. I really do. I know sooner or later I'm going to get caught and that's gonna fuck my life up.

I know I don't want to stop hurting myself. I just love it. It's the only thing that just--fuck. I don't even know. I really just am about to give up.