before

[LBC]

Before You Self-Harm

Write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  The situation really won't change. It is what it is. My feelings around it will change; my anxiety will decrease, and maybe I'll feel peaceful enough to try getting to sleep.
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  Hurting myself isn't going to change the situation, just the uncomfortable feelings that I'm experiencing now. I'm still not sure what all those feelings are about, so I'm not sure how to deal with them. Hurting myself will feel good on the short-term, but I'll just feel sore, guilty, and disappointed in myself tomorrow.
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I just want to be rid of these uncomfortable feelings, but I know that they're around for a reason; I'm just now sure why right now, and that's frustrating. My therapist says I need to learn to accept my feelings even when they're uncomfortable, and sit with them, move through them...hurting myself is not going to help with that.
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  The relief will take me through tonight, but I'll feel bad tomorrow morning. It will just make tomorrow that much harder.
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  Pet my cat for a while until I feel calm enough to go to sleep. If I can get to sleep, I can get through tonight.
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I don't think I'm going to feel great tomorrow either way. I'll feel worse if I hurt myself tonight.
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  
  I really want to do something that makes me feel warm and safe. I don't feel like that very often lately, especially at night. I might put on a familiar movie and see if it will put me to sleep.

[Smeagol]

Hi lbc,

The movie sounds good. Does cuddling up with a blanket help? I find wrapping in a blanket under the duvet with the radio on helps me to calm down and eventually I get dozy.

Do you know when you started feeling uncomfortable? Maybe we can help you figure out what's going on.

[LBC]

Hi Smeagol

Thanks for replying.

The movie did help. I ended up going to sleep.

I was thinking about this today, and I realized that I don't have a lot of comforting "ritual"-type things in my life at present. I don't have a favourite blanket (I'm thinking it might be nice to invest in something heavy, like a duvet, because heavier blankets do feel "safer" for me), or a favourite mug to drink hot chocolate out of...nothing warm or snuggly or safe.

When I'm experiencing urges, I go for the "numbing" thing, which right now is sleeping. I try to get numb instead of trying self-comfort first, and I think that could be important.

I'm going through some hard stuff in therapy right now, and my life is opening up in ways that are positive, but not always comfortable for me (being resistant to change and bad with uncertainty). It all seems to catch up with me at night, and that's when this kind of free-floating anxiety starts and the urges start to build. It happens quite frequently lately.

Thanks again for replying.