slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
No Wounds
* what had happened just before?
Work, something didn't go the way I thought it should and I couldn't fix it and I just got wound up until there was an impulse.
* what were you thinking and feeling?
Why doesn't it work, why won't it work? I've done the same thing hundreds of times in the last ten years why is this one different? Why don't I understand how to do something this easy.
* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
It was an impulse, not an urge, it happened and then took several minutes to sink in that it had.
* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I have a lot of work stress at the moment. I've had a head cold this week that has left me tired and run down. I'm gwetting eyestrain and I have a punishing schedule for this job because I need it to end so I can get out of it. I hate corporate IT, that's why I got out of it years ago. It's all been going downhill since the summer. I just want out, but I have to finish this first. Plus my brief has just kept expanding, every budget change or cut means that my role expands to cover it. While my boss is a really nice guy, he really doesn't listen to a fucking word I say, and keeps trying to change the brief away from the structured product we agreed in April to the chaotic mess he hired me to sort out in the first place. We're now in a horrible limbo between the two.
I spend wednesday on a task, that has been changed since I did it, and now needs to be done a different way. That way is utterly worthless to the product, just a presentation exercise. I'm already working stupid hours so when something goes wrong it just get hard to take. I've beaten urges all this week until yesterday, and then it all came apart in one splitsecond.
* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Headcold, fatigue, music(?) I don't get sick very often. I get lots of sleep but I need to be less tired anyway. Heavy punk rock does not seem to be the right music for work at the moment
* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I went and crushed an icecube to calm down, but felt very paranoid that someone might come in a make some half-brained joke about it. This time t was back to being impulse, no warning just *BANG* I don't know how to cope with that yet.
* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
If I don't see it coming it's just too hard to stop.
* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I put up a sign over my desk that says "COPE" and has some of my better strategies.
* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
No, it's not, and my gut feeling is to just dump the whole problem and tell him I don't have time for the cosmetic shit. But actually, I'll just feel guilty and do it anyway.
* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I will be here again. It's not that I didn't recognise it, it was that the hit was an impulse, I don't know how to fight impulses like that.
* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
There are lots of things I can try, but I need warning. Without that warning, I'm helpless.
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
* What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
* Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
* What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
* If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
* What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
* If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
* Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
* If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
* What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
* Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
* If No - What coping skills got me through?
* Why do I think they worked?
* How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.
