After

[5th section]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, it was nothing serious, just sore

what had happened just before?
I was in a rehearsal, about an hour into it & it was going pretty well.

what were you thinking and feeling?
in no particular order - worrying that it wouldn't keep going well, it would be my fault if it didn't (I was conducting), people would cancel on us (some already have) and that would be my fault as well (not sure why, I know it's irrational but I feel I ought to take responsibility for all of it). Most of all feeling like I couldn't let off steam to anyone. Most people I know wouldn't really understand how i could get that screwed up about a concert - the people who would I feel I can't talk to. My ex who plays in the orchestra (and we're still on very good terms) has helped me more than anyone but I still think it was my fault we broke up and I've got no right to talk to her about anything personal. And other times in the past when I've been under a lot of stress I've rung home, but at the moment my family have a lot of crap to put up with and I feel like my 'problems' are unworthy of telling them (I should make it very clear they don't say this, i just think it.)

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
we had a break and the urge just got the better of me. I know it was my fault for having an 'implement' with me - that's what worries me, I just picked it up without thinking when I left the house.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
It was more an opportunity than a final straw. in spite of it being a good rehearsal I was getting more and more agitated, I was constantly looking at J sitting in the woodwind section and thinking "I've lost her and it's all my fault" and telling myself that these were stupid trivial things to be getting so worked up over.

were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep, that's always an issue for me. I should just get more of it, simple as that.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
obviously there's a limit to what I can do in mid-rehearsal. But I was conducting quite energetically and that can help (i've found) - it's very physical and a good way of releasing tension.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I needed to calm down and/or do something to release tension, eg attacking empty boxes, bottles, things like that. I should have used the break for that.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
not take the YOU-KNOW-WHAT with me again!!! throw it away if necessary. Take something else, eg a red pen & draw instead of cutting. print off (again - I lost i befoer) the panic card that someone posted on the Coping forum and take that too.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
That's what I don't know. I don't know how to stop feeling like everything's my responsibility. as for J, I don't want to cause any difficulty for her. She's worth 500 of me, if she wanted to end the relationship she's got every right to and shouldn't have to have any complications.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
same time next week

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. get outside, walk around a bit, breathe deeply etc., try to calm down
2. if I really need to let off steam, take a cardboard box or something with me and be violent with it (probably where no-one can see, i'm easily embarrassed!)
3. I've managed to find a red pen that leaks a bit which makes it look more bloody. Draw with htat.
(I had a look at the 'match the activity to the feeling' bit on secret shame. with me it's usually anger, restlessness & wanting to see blood, so I've tried to cover those. might do all of these or just one might work first time).

OK, well, there it is. any suggestions? Be as critical as you like.

[balletomane]

It sounds like you have a really great list of alternatives. It sounds to me like you might benefit from not blaming yourself for everything. I know that is definitely easier said than done. Maybe being in a situation when you are not in charge would help--something like taking a class in something new.

Anyhow, I hope you are feeling better now.