slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
No Wounds. Took 2x Co-Codamol for the headache.
* what had happened just before?
I was trying to distract myself by playing NexusWar. I don't really play computer games anymore but this one is quite relaxing. It makes a good distraction, and the playing community - particularly the OS faction - are a very nice, low bs, bunch to play with.
* what were you thinking and feeling?
Why won't my bastard computer hurry up and do this.
* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
My web connection dropped out and my character got stuck outside the stronghold in the game's most intense battlezone. Yes, I know, I'm a muppet
but this was supposed to use up my anger and pent up aggression.* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
If I'd got off my arse and gone to Sainsbury's I'd have been in a public place, and most of my SI happens in private.
* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I quit taking the SSRI's on thursday, with GP agreement. They were making to big a mess of my life, and giving me way more stress than I'd had before. I do a high concentration job, and having my attention-span more than halved was making everything take far longer and meaning that my 8-10 hour work days had turned into 10-12 hour days and I was still falling behind. Doing good work is one of my best ways of staying in control. They also ransacked my sleep cycle so I've been shattered for days.
Also, the new housemate is quite pushy, and pushy people really bug me. When I'm with it I can just ignore it, but right now, it all feels really personal. Plus he's very middle-class and I'm a real class warrior when I get wound up. So pushing down all of my working class sensibilities so I can be a good egg is really starting to grind.
* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I was playing NexusWar to try and calm down, this usually works. I had tried reading for a while, but my current book (redRobe by Jon Courtenay Grimwood) was a little intense for that. So I read bus for a bit, and then started on NexusWar.
* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I ran out of ice, so that didn't work. The boiler's on the blink so a relaxing shower was out, too (and new housemate was in the bath anyhoo). I should have just gone for a walk, anywhere. But I was trying to deal with this stuff and just made a dog's breakfast of it.
* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I said I'd do the 54321 thing but it just wasn't in my head. I would put a big sign up in the house, but I haven't told the new housemat about the SI, and the sign would have an awkward conversation attached to it, therefore. Also, I have another housemate whose boyfriend just had a close brush with death in Hellmand (he's a Para), so negative signs in the house would be insensitive to say the least.
* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It's getting there. I think once I get back to my equilibrium and flush the chemicals out and get my sleep pattern back, things will be better. Also, the hit didn't bring me any relief this time. That's a big step, I hope. But I'm not taking it for granted. Things are complicated, so I'm have today off, and I shall get back to work tomorrow morning. The one advantage of being freelance.
* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yes I will be. I will try to remember that there are other ways. This time it wasn't really impulsive either, so I had some warning.
* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Walking Away. Talking to someone (even Samaritans, maybe). Sitting on my hands when it gets really bad (No really, this used to work sometimes.)
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
* What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
I guess it was abstinence, and the need to not feel like that anymore.
* Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
I tried to deal with the feelings, but I just couldn't do it. There was just too much there. And then the coping thing backfired and it all got worse. I can't answer the question because I can't see the difference and I just don't know. I'm Sorry.
* What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
Buried it until it all went bang anyway. I don't know what else to do. I'm Sorry.
* If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Increased, and come out all in one go.
* What constitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
I am my tools! It happens when I'm alone more often, but I can't be around people that much because I just can't cope with that. I don't want to do it, but sometimes I just can't stop. I'm Sorry, I'm not strong enough.
* If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
Scared.
I need to stop here. I'm crying to much and I need to stop this for a bit and calm down.
T.
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.
EDIT: Formatting.
