before

[butterflydust]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i might stop feeling so miserable, so empty, so confused, so lost, so pathetic, so worthless

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it might keep me from killing myself. but it will take away my 3 months and my committment to get better

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i just want to be okay, i want to be happy... hurting myself probably won't get there, but i'm afraid right now that i'll SU if i don't SI

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i don't know. probably not long. then i don't know what i'll do. i guess i'd have to hurt myself again. that's the cycle. that's the nightmare of it all. but if it keeps you alive... isn't it worth it? i do want to die. but i know that things might get better. i'm willing to give life a chance, but i feel like i can't do that without doing something to change the way i feel right now.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could call someone and tell them i don't feel okay. i might feel better. i might be able to talk to them. it could last for today. maybe by tomorrow i can talk to them again, or try to do something that makes me want to live again.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel pretty miserable, i think. 3 months is a pretty large chunk of time, and some part of me is really proud of it. but i may still feel just as empty tomorrow if i call someone today and talk to them. i might feel more confused and ashamed. i don't know. i might feel better.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really want to commit SU, i think. but some part of me wants to live, so that's why i want to SI. i don't know how to honor the instinctive part of me that wants to live. living would be a good start, i suppose. but i don't know how else to fix this feeling except SI.


* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
josh IMed me and told me it had only taken 2 months for my love for him to die, but i know that's not true. i still love him so much. i know i love him. and this time i love myself, too, i think, so i can authentically love him. i am very angry right now, and i said some things that i know were hurtful to him, and i know that i am angry at him for not getting better, but i know that that's partly unfair. i just feel like i can't fix anything, like nothing i do will make things okay ever again for us, like the situation is hopeless. i wish i could talk to him, but i'm not allowed to. i sent him an email (which i'm also not allowed to do), but i don't know if he reads his email. i haven't really talked to him since july.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i haven't been exactly here. a few months ago i thought i had lost him forever. at first i really wanted to SU or get high or SI, i felt really miserable, i felt like all of my reasons for living were gone. but i talked to a lot of friends, and my parents, and my counselor, and i tried to take special care of myself, and i realized eventually that i wanted to live again, and i felt better, but always aching, aching the way i'm still aching because i miss josh, and i want him with me, always and forever, i want to marry him in a few years, i have never loved anyone like i love him. so no matter what false happiness i gave myself, what transient reason to live, it is wearing away now.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i have ridden my bike a lot. i have called friends. i have eaten popsicles and read with blankets on me or watched movies to try to distract myself. i have tried to stay busy so i wasn't constantly feeling it. i IMed people. i tried to imagine a life without josh. i have done all of these things, and i feel like i'm out of options. i can't really imagine that life. i don't know what else i can do. i suppose i could take a sleeping pill and just try to sleep all night.

* How do I feel right now?
still pretty SU

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
dead and numb

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
angry, depressed, lost, confused, hopeless

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
not really. i miss him. i can't avoid my feelings for him. but i guess i can try to deal with it in a healthy way, whatever that is.

* Do I need to hurt myself?
no, i don't need to. but i worry that i'll do something worse than SI if i don't. i just feel hopeless.

[Smeagol]

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i just want to be okay, i want to be happy... hurting myself probably won't get there, but i'm afraid right now that i'll SU if i don't SI

Okay, is there anything you could do that would make you feel better about life without josh and life in general? It sounds like you did a lot of distracting things (go you!) but that they're only distractions, so maybe it would help to be doing things which make you think abotu why life is living? For example you could make lists of things you have enjoyed doing, future plans, things you like about yourself.

i could call someone and tell them i don't feel okay. i might feel better. i might be able to talk to them. it could last for today. maybe by tomorrow i can talk to them again, or try to do something that makes me want to live again.

That sounds like a good idea. Did you do that? Did it help?

i will feel pretty miserable, i think. 3 months is a pretty large chunk of time, and some part of me is really proud of it. but i may still feel just as empty tomorrow if i call someone today and talk to them. i might feel more confused and ashamed. i don't know. i might feel better.

I can empathise with the confused and ashamed thing, but having been hurty really isn't something to feel guilty about. Reaching out to somebody isn't something to be ashamed of.

i really want to commit SU, i think. but some part of me wants to live, so that's why i want to SI. i don't know how to honor the instinctive part of me that wants to live. living would be a good start, i suppose. but i don't know how else to fix this feeling except SI.

Could you make a list of why you want to live?

i haven't been exactly here. a few months ago i thought i had lost him forever. at first i really wanted to SU or get high or SI, i felt really miserable, i felt like all of my reasons for living were gone. but i talked to a lot of friends, and my parents, and my counselor, and i tried to take special care of myself, and i realized eventually that i wanted to live again, and i felt better, but always aching, aching the way i'm still aching because i miss josh,

I'm sorry, butterflydust. I've felt like that and it sucks arse. But it *will* get better. Maybe not in the timeframe you hope, or others expect, but it will get better. Little by little that empty bit will get filled up with other things and it won't hurt so much.

and i want him with me, always and forever, i want to marry him in a few years, i have never loved anyone like i love him. so no matter what false happiness i gave myself, what transient reason to live, it is wearing away now.

No, you might not have loved like that before, but that doesn't mean you won't love like that again. And any happiness you have is *not* false. If you're happy, you're happy. It sounds like you're still thinking of josh as the real reason for live, but he's not. Even if he's with you he's not a reason to live. He's just a person. So reasons you come up with aren't transient, and they're not false. I'm sorry to be harsh, but reading what you write, that's the words of somebody depressed. Have you tried doing positives every day? Positives or reasons to live which you're not allowed to qualify? NO matter how much you want to say "I did x...but I didn't do it well", or "I had a nice walk...but I missed josh", you're only allowed to say the bit before the dots. Because each time you let yourself add that qualifier, you let yourself dismiss the positive.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i have ridden my bike a lot. i have called friends. i have eaten popsicles and read with blankets on me or watched movies to try to distract myself. i have tried to stay busy so i wasn't constantly feeling it. i IMed people. i tried to imagine a life without josh. i have done all of these things, and i feel like i'm out of options. i can't really imagine that life. i don't know what else i can do. i suppose i could take a sleeping pill and just try to sleep all night.

It sounds like you've done lots of things. That's really positive. Well done!

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
not really. i miss him. i can't avoid my feelings for him. but i guess i can try to deal with it in a healthy way, whatever that is.

I hate to say it, but I think a "healthy way" is just to keep taking one breath at a time, to keep looking forward rather than comparing how you felt now with how you felt when you were with him. And it involves keeping on listening to idiots like me prattle on with words of advice that sound damned impossible. It's horrible but time does heal. And even the things it doesn' theal you get used to. But the only way to get to that state is to keep living and to keep creating new memories and hopes and dreams. It's sucks arse but it's true.

I hope you got through okay and that you're feeling better today.

Take care

Gwylan