before

[moll_drum]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel something, I will be real

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Feeling something will help, it will temporarily make me feel better. But waht I really want is a hug and having cut might make me feel to bad to feel safe wiht people when I do get to see them.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In the long run- I don't know. I don't feel bad, just empty. Would cutting help in the long run? Maybe, prob not, might make me dissociate more.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Probably only for a moment, then I will either nto get relief and go to far, or feel guilty about doing it and want to cut again over the guilt of cutting.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
hmm... I could go to the shop and get credit to call people. Don' t know if they will be around, may make this worse. Could maybe eat something comforting, but I feel fat today and might end up purging. Maybe a warm blanket and a comforting movie.
* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel like crap if i hurt myself. Before I got to this place I was stressing about scars and seeing peopel. If i do the other thing, maybe I will still feel nothing, maybe I will still be stuck far away, maybe I will never feel real again..
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to run to my friends and curl up in their arms. But I can't. I want to hide because it is all so hard, then the hiding scares me. I don't know quite how to feel better today.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
emptiness

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, but not succesfully. I dont know. I know it will feel better if I si. But not for long.. I don't think it is a permanent cure for distance.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
so far I have tried reading and posting, and writing letters to friends. I am going to try 1. getting credit to call people
2. If that doesn't work I am going to find a movie that doesn't require conversation and a hot choc or potato or something warm.

* How do I feel right now?
still empty, eerily calm.
* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
hmm,, that is kinda a triggery question. It will feel good, comforting, warm, safe, real. I will like it, I will like the way it looks, feels.
* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
That is when the crappness comes.
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Yes, this is just stupid. It is not a reason to feel bad. I have to find a way to not wnat to hurt myself every time i feel lonely, or little, or bored, or sad.
* Do I need to hurt myself?
No, I never need to. I want to, but I also don't want to. And then I hate it when the scars fade and I feel i am losing me and I want more. But I am going to try other things now.

[mallie]

I've read both your before posts, so I've got things from both in mind when responding. I hope this is okay and doesn't make things more confusing.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Yes, this is just stupid. It is not a reason to feel bad. I have to find a way to not wnat to hurt myself every time i feel lonely, or little, or bored, or sad.

Do you know why you want to hurt yourself when you feel lonely etc? Is there any way you can seek out contact with people or find some way to have reassurance when others aren't around (pictures, or letters, or an object that reminds you of the connection you have to other people is what comes to mind for me, but maybe you have other ideas).

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
so far I have tried reading and posting, and writing letters to friends. I am going to try 1. getting credit to call people
2. If that doesn't work I am going to find a movie that doesn't require conversation and a hot choc or potato or something warm.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Played on the internet, posted to lj, listened to music. Don't know, scared to leave the house, not sure what to do now, cant sit still long enough to read or anything

Reading this in the context of some of your other answers about distance and wanting to be around your friends, it sounds like these activities are mostly fairly isolating. I don't know what is going on in your life right now, but is there any reason you can't be more involved with the people you care about?

* Do I need to hurt myself?
No, I never need to. I want to, but I also don't want to. And then I hate it when the scars fade and I feel i am losing me and I want more. But I am going to try other things now.

How does scars fading mean you're losing yourself?

I'm glad you don't want to hurt yourself, and that you know you don't need to. That can be a huge part of the battle.

[moll_drum]

Mallie,

thankyou for replying, your comments are welcome. Sometimes it is hard to see things clearly from inside, for eg, I thought my 2 before posts were about completely dif urges till I looked at them from an outside perspective and saw similar themes.

Atm, my close friends are in vict, I am in rural nsw, and my family are in Sydney and Qld, so it is hard to feel connected to people i care about. Also, I spend a lot of time scared that there is a point where i will say one thing too many, or be that little bit too pathetic, and they will not want to talk to me anymore. My closest friends know I si, but don't understand well enough to know that it would be hard to make 3 wks si free.

I guess it is easier to escape into a book or something than face people, and even if it isn't, I don't really have anyone here...

Maybe I need to stop refusing to let people in, or stop complaining about feeling distant if I insist on doing so. Certainly your suggestion of pictures and letters is a good one, I am thinking maybe I need a scrapbook or something to remind me of people I care about, so I can have it to hand when i don't think they do...

As for the scars, I guess they are part of me, they are a way of expressing myself, of alerting people who get close enought to see them that I am not the illusion I show, or of reminding myself maybe. It scares me to see something which is me, but not completely understood, slip away...

Sorry that was long, thankyou for caring and for giving me something to think about.

cat