I will have recognised that I am not feeling okay and done something to show it. My bf would know I am not feeling okay. I would feel that I have an option left. That there is something that can be done, no matter how despairing I feel.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Bring:
a sense that I am not powerless
a resolution
a sense that this isn't all for nothing, that it isn't one meangingless struggle that no-one notices or cares about
an easy way to communicate
make it acceptable for me to say that things aren't okay
Take:
A few months free
My bf would be hurt
I'd then have to talk, and if I'm going to talk I might as well skip the bit where I hurt myself.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
It's not going to do anything either way. I'm not trying to not cut and I don't even have any technique for getting better. I'm just feeling stuck and despairing.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know. Rest of today, maybe? Afterwards, maybe feel guilty. Maybe not.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
do my job. It wn't really, but at least I'll be thinking about something else. and at least I won't feel useless. afterwards, well, just keep goign. keep busy. keep plugging on. isn't that what it's all about? pointless stupid plugging on no matter how you feel because there's no point to not plugging on either.
* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel better tomorrow if I don't hurt myself.
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to say that it's not okay. I want somebody to recongise and to help, to give me hope that things will get better and that I'm not stuck here forever. But I don't feel I can do that because it's not urgent. I could just get on with the sodding job. I don't *need* help right now. I could just keep going and then feel the same way in a few days again, and then agin a few days later, but it's never bad enough. it's just miserable. never bad enough to be able to say "can't cope" because of course I can.
* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Cumulative failure to change things. The sense of "I'm still here and this still hurts and I still don't know how to change it. " Specifically my bf mentioned he had a meeting on Sunday night, and then mentioned some club he founded a decade ago, and that triggered a whole load of issues I posted on in workshop.
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes. Don't know. Curled up a bit. Cried a bit. Eventually went to work and got on with things.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Posting here. Went to library.
* How do I feel right now?
right now I feel bitter and angry and hurting and despairing. The anger is misplaced: it's a channelling of feelings about myself. Bitter isn't really the word either. "What's the point"ish. I want to make some big gesture. share some of the hurt around. Give up in style. Only I don't feel bad enough to really give up. Just hurty and tearful adn sad and despairing. But not even bad enough to go home and go to bed.
* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Satisfied. Powerful. Focussed
* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Still satisfied until my bf gets really upset or I want to wear short sleeves.
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Nope, and presumably, but damned if I know how.
* Do I need to hurt myself?
of course not. I never do.
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