Before

[strmdncr]

How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
The situation itself won’t change. The feeling will become temporarily less intense and overwhelming, leaving me feeling more in control of it and to some degree better able to continue coping.
What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
It will bring a sense of control over some aspect of my life when I am feeling like so many things are beyond my control. It will give me something physical to focus on instead of internal. I believe it will take away some of the emotional pain that I’m finding too intense to deal with.
How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In the long run I want to feel that I have options in how I deal with the people involved in these sorts of scenarios, whether it’s options on how I choose to react, or what actions I choose to make I’m not yet sure. Hurting myself at this point is likely to bring me closer to that feeling b/c it is a choice that I am making in regards to how I’m dealing with the situation so on some level it does feel like I have control over some tiny aspect of it all.
If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
The relief will probably last for a few days. From there I will have had time to distance myself from it all having happened, being able to focus on me physically for a while and escaping the feelings. Once the relief is over I seem to usually be beyond the intense emotional aspects that I’m feeling at the time that I have the urge to hurt myself.
What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
I could go to bed as it’s almost ten at night. It would change the situation b/c eventually I would be asleep and that would temporarily take the feelings away. That change would last until morning, then I have things planned in the day that may keep me busy enough to keep myself safe.
How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
If I hurt myself, tomorrow I will most likely feel a bit of anger at myself for having handled the feelings using a technique that I recognize as not being positive but at the same time I will feel a sense of relief at having decreased all the overwhelming feelings inside me for a while. If I was to do the other thing, go to bed, I think I would still feel a lot of the inner pain and anger that I’m feeling at this time as it has been building for a while.
What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to tell some people what I think of them and their behaviours and their actions past and present and tell them how I see it affecting the people around them…but I can’t b/c it will drive a wedge between myself and them and in addition increase anxiety and pain feelings further as I won’t be able to know about things I need to keep track of to help me feel I am doing as much as I can. I see myself as best honouring that protective instinct through acknowledging that it’s there, and working to keep myself away from si’ing right now.
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Because I don’t feel like I can continue dealing with the intensity of the feelings inside me without breaking down, falling apart and being unable to continue with my day to day life that I have going on. What has brought me to this point is finding myself dealing with the same situation time and again, sometimes with the same people, sometimes with different people, but the same thing happening for years.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes I’ve been here before. In the past I tried to bottle it all up inside and hide from it, I had a breakdown and I’ve si’d to deal with it. I felt awful.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I napped for a bit this afternoon, I tried to focus on my work while I was there, put together a list for both the purpose of providing information to both myself and my T as to things that can increase my chance of si’ing. I posted to some people on other areas to try and distract myself from what I felt. I could go to bed, beyond that I can’t seem to think of anything else.
How do I feel right now?
Hurt, angry, confused, sad, like things are beyond my control and there is nothing I can do to change the situation.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I’ll feel more settled and focused. Kind of numb to the internal pain as I can physically see what it looks like.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
More relaxed, less able to be in control of anything in my life. In the morning I will feel a bit disappointed in myself for having given in to si’ing, possibly some anger regarding the same matter b/c I’m trying to find more positive ways of dealing with this.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I cannot avoid the stressor without causing myself another, stronger one to take it’s place. I am hoping that I will learn at some point in my life how to be able to better deal with it in the future.
Do I need to hurt myself?
I don’t know, I really just can’t seem to figure out the answer to that question right now. I do know that I need to keep myself safe from things worse than si, and that I feel a desperate need to keep some form of control instead of falling apart.

[balletomane]

Hi strmdncr.

I've been trying to respond to this post for about a week, but I've been pretty useless.

I have read though.

I know that's not a helpful reply, but I thought I'd let you know.

I will try to come back to this post.

[plantt]

Hurt, angry, confused, sad, like things are beyond my control and there is nothing I can do to change the situation
--sometimes we cannot change the actual situation. what could you do to accept it?
emotions can feel incredibly overpowering. like if they're not stopped then something terrible will happen. they pass though.

--if you *need* to si in order to keep some control... how is that really control?

I do know that I need to keep myself safe from things worse than si
--dangerous way to think. there are always other options. healthy options. even when it definitely doesn't feel like it.