Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i am anxious because i have my first group meeting tonight.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
anxiousness is all too familiar to me. cleaning helped.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i took a walk. i am trying to eat some soup because hunger only adds to the feeling. i thought about studying afterwards but that makes me more anxious so maybe i should try cleaning instead. my apartment could use it anyway.
How do I feel right now?
annnnxious!!
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
anxious.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
way less anxious. calm, tired. tomorrow i'll feel numb.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i can'T avoid the stressor because this is my way out. or i am hoping it will be part of the way out anyway. deal with it better? probably not. this isn'T anything i can keep avoiding. i *want* to get better.
Do I need to hurt myself?
i don't *need* to. i don't even necessarily want to. it's just that my mind is in panic mode atm and this is the thing that would help most quickly.
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will be calmer. but at the same time i'll have another stressor added - that i can'T pully up my sleeves if i am hot, that i will be afraid of my sleeves slipping and somebody seeing what i have done.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring calm. but it will take away the chance that i will look back on this day tonight and feel like i have accomplished something - like i have done something healthy and good for myself. because if i cut first then that won't be healthy and good for me. i don'T want to connect group with SI in any way. this should be a GOOD thing, not an unhealthy, even more stress-laden thing.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel good about myself and about my decision to do something healthy for myself. i want to realize that even though some things are scary they won'T harm me, hurt me or otherwise traumatize me. if i hurt myself i automatically make a bad connection. i don't want that to happen.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i should clean. cleaning will help me get rid of the anxiety, i'll blow off some steam and it'll help me focus. the change will last until i have to leave. or a bit before that. if it blows off before that i can try to read a book, or clean something else. there's lots to clean and sort through in here...
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i hurt myself i'll most prolly feel numb tomorrow. if i don't and clean instead i just might feel more energetic and proud of myself.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what i really want to do right now i scream and run away because i am really scared of going tonight and afraid that i'll have to talk and that i won#t be able to or that people will ridicule me and hurt me. i would prolly best honor this feeling by taking care of myself, keeping myself *safe* and NOT hurting myself more! i should clean, make my apartment look nice so it'll be good and safe to come back to it tonight after group. maybe i can even get myself somethign nice beforehand, as a treat for being brave and going there... that's a nice idea. i like that. *smiles*
this helped lots today. put things in persepective and made me see things i didn't see before. yay.
i think i can be safe now.
