Before... again

[Stellaria]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

A moment's respite from trying... I'm sick and tired of trying when I only wind up back in the same place.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would bring drama (not necessarily involving other people, just some private little drama for myself would do). It would bring punishment for not being a good enough person, for not being able to talk and interact properly with others. It would make me feel stronger for standing the physical pain.

It would take away some of the responsibility of being a sensible person, it would remind myself (and possibly other people) that I'm not to be trusted. It would possibly numb out the suicidal thoughts for a moment.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I guess right now I just want the emotional pain to go away, and yet feel hopeless about that this will happen, regardless of whether I hurt myself or not. I know that hurting myself isn't going to resolve anything, but not hurting myself doesn't seem to resolve anything either. It's a toss up.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

A few hours, even days. That's not much, is it? Then I'll be in the same spot, I guess.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I can have a shower, get dressed, wait for b/f to wake up and ask him to do something together like take a walk on the beach, do some laundry, change curtains in the kitchen window, watch the ice hockey finals on tv, make dinner, do the dishes, call a friend, pick up a book. Not going to change anything really, but I guess it won't make things worse either.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I think I will be in the same spot either way.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't know. My head isn't working. But I don't think I have the energy to hurt myself so I'll just try to get through the day without.