1. It's been about 35 days since I last SI'd, not that I'm counting.
2. I've been real close since about Tuesday, and Wednesday I finally gave in and bought a tool (I'd gotten rid of everything hazardous a while ago.)
3. I don't really want to admit I'm close, but it's worse when the SI "sneaks up" on me, so I think working it out now is the best thing to do.
Hence:
LYCANDER'S BEFORE-I-CUT WORKSHEET how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It won't, except that I'll have to admit to all the people rooting for me that I gave in, and I might open up the can of worms I've worked so hard to close. SI in itself isn't necessarily bad for everyone in all circumstances -- just like alcohol, it has its place -- but for me it's really really dangerous.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
I'll get to feel freedom -- I feel weighed down by all the people watching me right now. I'll get to touch up the scar patterns, and I'll have fresh wounds to enjoy for a while. It'll show that I still own my body.
It'll force me to start over on my accumulation of safe-time. It could throw me back into depression or dissociation, and make it harder to move on. I don't know how far I'd go, this time, even if I only planned to do a "little bit" -- it's always the "just a little more"s that got me into real trouble.
I need to be able to be around sharp tools safely before I'm allowed to go to luthier school, and I want to do that as soon as possible. Shorter term -- I don't really feel like going to the hospital or accidentally dying right now, and even if I tell myself that's unlikely, I'm not in enough control of my SI once I start to be able to say that won't happen.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
Okay, okay. Long run, it's a bad idea! I get the point!
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could eat a sundae -- that would yank up my blood sugar, which helps me think straight. After that, then, I could eat something nutritious that would stick with me -- maybe even make eggrolls! Then I'd finish painting my new bookshelf, so I can finish unpacking my books. Then I'd read Strangers in Paradise some more. Then there's the Dryden AA meeting tonight, which is always fun.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Honestly, I don't know the answer to either. Part of working on myself has been learning not to beat myself up if I slip. If I slip, I'll be nervous, because I know it's always easier to SI the second time. If I paint, etc., I'll probably still want to SI tomorrow...
But wait: the result's kinda the same. Tomorrow, I'll want to SI.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
1. Sit down and write out what's going on, and figure out why I want to SI. (done!)
2. Eat.
3. Call someone who cares about me.
4. Do something I'm good at.
5. Make myself beautiful some other way. Pamper myself physically.
Okay, thanks for reading!
I got a lot out of writing this -- I'm not in major crisis, so don't panic about replying right away. If anyone would find it useful to help me work out some of the ideas I started here, feel free to comment or ask for clarification.
Later,
-Lycander
