before

[NobodyToYou]

First set of questions
* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Nothing will change. I might feel better, but the situation will stay the same.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It would bring as sense of release...a way to get these nasty thoughts and feelings out. It would help me cope right now and quit acting mean to those around me. It will take...right now I don't see anything it would take. I am already angry with myself, so that isn't likely to get worse.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel...no. I just don't want to feel. And right now anything that can do that seems pretty good. I know I am supposed to say that hurting myself would move me away from my goals, that it would be worse in the long run...but everything seems to be falling apart anyway, so I am not sure I woudl really lose anything. And I might gain a whole lot. I might be able to handle tonight and tomorrow, and the holidays.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It would last...depends on what I do, I guess. If it is small, the relief would probably not last long and I would want to do more, do it "right". If I did it "right" to start with, it could last for the rest of the night and maybe part of tomorrow. After that, I would probably have to do it again to feel better. But sometimes just being able to cause pain by pressing on the injury is enough...then it would be better for a couple days.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am typing on the computer. I could eat a lot of food that I would later regret eating. I could try to do something useful, but the feelings are not changing. The situation will not change. I cannot come up wtih anything else that would really change the feelings or the situation. So my options are to tolerate this as long as I can, or use less than good means to make it better.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Tomorrow I will want to do it again, so that I can feel better tomorrow. Especially if it works today. If I don't...I don't know what I will do tomorrow. I will probably feel just like this or worse. I can't deal with thinking about tomorrow right now. I wish there wasn't a tomorrow.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really really want to hurt myself. And I am not sure why I am fighting it so hard. I can't come up with good reasons not to. Yet I am still typing, rather than acting. So something in me must not want to hurt myself.


More Before Questions To Answer


* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am not exactly sure. There is a lot of stress going on around me, but I have no idea why I am dealing with it so poorly. It should not be bothering me this much. My job is quite stressful, and has been for the past couple weeks. My grandfather is in the hospital, and my family is trying to take care of him and my grandmother, as well as clean the house and get ready for Christmas. I have probably committed to too much stuff right now, but I have no way of getting out of it... I can't NOT take care of my grandparents. I have to go to work. They are not optional. I am just being stupid and letting little stuff get to me, when I need to be strong and handle the challenges.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Not exactly. Have done too many needs, not enough resources before. And SI worked quite well, for a while. But the depression got bad too. I don't know.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I am typing this. I posted in Place. I tried to talk to my family, but that did not work at all. I have no wish to talk to them about it, and I feel like a block of ice. They are trying to do small talk and I feel like I am a million miles away.

* How do I feel right now?
I don't know. My throat is tight. I am hitting the keys really hard as I type. I have a rather blank expression on my face. But I can't really tell what I am feeling...emotions seem very far away.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I don't know.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I don't know.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Can't avoid it. Don't know if I can deal with it any better. I can't see a good way to deal wtih it now...it seems like bad ways are my only options. This is distorted thinking, and I know there must be a good way. But I cant' find on that works.

* Do I need to hurt myself?
No. Just want to...for now. And not sure what else will help with coping. Must find something, because I cannot do this much longer the way I am. Must do better. I can tolerate this yuckiness for the moment. But I don't think I can tolerate it when I go to work tomorrow, or even when I have to talk to my family again (they went shopping). I can't maintain this state...it has to change, or I will have to use what I know to change it, even if it isn't healthy.

[~Chameleon~]

I'm glad that you're trying to use some distracting methods. Can you use some more of the ideas off of the coping section to help yourself get through the holidays? Will the stress lessen after that?

Keep holding on. You can get through this.

Take gentle care of you,
~C~

[NobodyToYou]

I need to do an After, but I just can't do it right now. Too difficult.
Stress...might be better, might be worse after the holidays. The problem is not really too much stress. I think the problem is me dealing with the stress. I don't think it would bother other people as much as it is bothering me right now. And coping skills seem not to work suddenly.
Will come back and try an After later.