![:dkpurpstar: :dkpurpstar:](./images/smilies/dkpurpstar.gif)
It won't change a single thing about the situation. The feeling? Well, there's the issue. My feelings are so all over the place, I can barely tell who I am. Cutting is the one thing I can do where I know who I am. I know all about it. My feelings would come right into line. They'd know right where to go.
![:purpstar: :purpstar:](./images/smilies/purpstar.gif)
Cutting would bring clarity. Except that the "clarity" would be skewed. It would sharpen my senses so I could feel something. But would I be able to identify what I feel? Would it distill my feelings into something I could handle? I'm so overwhelmed right now. Also, cutting would bring punishment -- not to me but to the person I'm having difficulty with. Except that I know it wouldn't. Really she doesn't care if I hurt myself. But it all goes back to long ago, as a child when I cut, I imagined someone cared. And I don't like the idea of "punishement". I just hurt so much right now.
The only thing cutting would take away is not from the situation per se, but from me. I hate it. I love it. I wish I had never started doing this. But I know it brings me relief. But that relief is so damned short-lived and the evidence is so long-lasting. so where does that leave me? Between a rock and a hard spot, neither of which I wan to use on myself.
![:lpurpstar: :lpurpstar:](./images/smilies/ltpurpstar.gif)
Well, I'd like to feel like an adult, like I can handle this situation. IDK
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I need to get back to this. Just the distractin of writing has dissipated the "need" to cut. I should jsut role into bed. No need to respond.
Okie