after

[tattybluetrees]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Done that.

what had happened just before?

Not much. I've been feeling pretty rough all day, so had just been hiding really. My housemat, also my best friend, who I've ived with for over five years, told me he is moving out next weekend. I don't actually feel too bad about this; I've known for ages he was going- i'm sad and a bit owrried about living on my own, but I don't feel like it was a contributing factor. I don't know if I'm right about that, though, or if what I am feeling about that is coming out in my SI.

I cut earlier on and someone rang and asked me out for dinner at his house with some other people. I said yes but then realised I couldn't face it, and ended up si-ing.

what were you thinking and feeling?

I don't really know. I was feeling angry and resentful, I think, but not at anyone in particular. I was thinking that I just don't seem to be able to cope with anything anymore... that I am getting worse, not better. I felt like I wanted something to happen but I didn't know what.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I don't know why this time and not some other time. Maybe this time and some other time would be the best assessment. Although I have had urges recently I haven't given in to. I think it was the combination of events and my mood being pretty destructive. There wasn't really an event that waas the final straw.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I know that I could have decided to go out for dinner instead of staying at home, but I actually don't think that would have been a better decision. In my present mood I wold have had a miserable time and further convinced people i like but don't know too well that I am crazy.

Other than that the only thing I could think is that I could have not SIed, but that just didn't seem like a choice I could make, even if it was a choice I could have made.

I did try calliing someone earlier on, but there is only so much anyone can do and he talked to me but didn't offer to come round or anything, and I think I was possibly cross about that- he offered to see me tomorrow, but only for a coffee, and I wanted him to come here and help me now.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I haven't been taking my meds and I know I need to sort that out. Naughty tatty.

[*]what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I wtched a film, tried reading trashy novels, but i couldn't concentrate. I tried calling people but that didn't work. I articulate myself so poorly and people get to the 'if you can't tell me what's wrong we're going to talk about something else stage' which is understandable but nno help to me becaause the fact that I can't tell them what's wrong is part of the problem.

[*]in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

I don't know. Not that I can think of. I could possibly have gone for a walk, but it's very cold and it's dark, and I am really not likingg being seen at the moment.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Ah.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

None of it iis resolved. My fraustrations and anger are all so nebulous and non-directional, and myy problems with other people are ongoing. It's all stuff I'm meant to be dealing with in therapy of various kinds, but I've been passed through four therapists two GPs and a Pdoc in the last twelve months and although I think I have finally found a programme which will take me and help me,my faith is damaged and I feel very bruised and like a parcel. I feel like no one is listening to me when I say that long term help is great but I need help now. They just keep telling me that it's going to take a long time. I don't any longer feel that I have the energy, power or wherewithall to effect any change in my life.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

Yes. To an extent I still am and I know that the urges will resurface later. I am getting better at recognising this state. I was very dissociated yesterday and had to leave various places because I couldn't cope with the busyness and the ammount of information I was having to process to be there- I tried to see someone to get help but he was with two other people and I couldn't follow the conversation. I got shouted at in a rehersal because I couldn't focus on the instruations I was being given and kept losing track of myself completely and not coming in.

I know that was a sign that things weren't okay and I know that coming out of that state always seems to leadd to a big pit of doom, but I still don't know how to avoid it.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I don't know. I tried all the comtact things. In aa way I think they didn' help and I should jusst not haave tried to talk to anyone.

I should have tried getting out for a walk, dark or no dark.

I should haave tried to at lest do a bit of singing practice, bbecause sometimes that helps.



Opportunity to Self-Harm

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

It came at the right time.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?

It was just there- there reallyy aren't many time when I don't have an opportuinty aat the moment- I live in my own house very much on my own.

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?

I would have waited until I had the opportunity, but then the mood would have built.

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?

Increased, probably, as it had been over the last few days.

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?

Usually waiiting for the right feeling. I don't SI if I think it's going to hurt, as a rule. I wait until I have the feeling that I have to DO something and then if there isn't anything else I can think of, and there usually isn't, or all the other things are worse, then I will end up SIing.

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

Bleak and desperate andincreasingly angry inside, but without any direction for that. I would feel like eventually I would break or pop and there would be no more world.

Sorry. That's all I can cope with right now.

Tatty

[Laura]

It sounds like you've noticed a pattern of feelings that lead up to SI, but you really don't know what you can do to influence the outcome?

When you talked of not being able to tell people what's wrong - is that because you don't know, or because you can't put it into words, or because those people aren't people you want to tell? How would they respond if you somehow explained that you can't tell them, but that at times like this it would really help if they ... came over to visit/phoned you back a few times to check you're ok/something else?

I couldn't work out from your post whether talking and thinking through your feelings is a help or makes it worse. If it does help, maybe calling a helpline when your friends aren't available? Or writing exercises, like freewriting, spilling out what's in your head? If that helped, you could then try sharing it with the people you phone if you were having difficulty articulating stuff.

Seems you tried a lot of things to delay and distract. I know myself how impractical some "coping strategies" can seem, and the options available seem so narrow. Even so, might be worth having a fresh look at the lists over on Coping - hey, I compiled one and I still forget some of the possibilities that are open to me

Your doctors are telling you "it will take time" and aren't really addressing what you can do when you're most distressed. Can they give you any sort of timescale for when things might improve? Cos right now it sounds like you're very discouraged and don't feel able to wait indefinitely carrying on like this. Maybe as well as trying to find better ways of coping with what you're experiencing right now, having some more concrete targets to aim for in your therapy might give you more hope to hang on to.

Do take care of yourself, and your wounds, Tatty.
Love Laura

[tattybluetrees]

Thank you laura, that is really helpful.

It sounds like you've noticed a pattern of feelings that lead up to SI, but you really don't know what you can do to influence the outcome?

Yes, that's just it. And I know I should feel that just being able to say "I have been here before- I recgnise this feeling" is progress, but I don't. Because it sucks and is fraustrationg. Grump grump.

When you talked of not being able to tell people what's wrong - is that because you don't know, or because you can't put it into words, or because those people aren't people you want to tell? How would they respond if you somehow explained that you can't tell them, but that at times like this it would really help if they ... came over to visit/phoned you back a few times to check you're ok/something else?

It's usually a combination of the first two- I don't know what's wrong, and I can't put it into words. I feel like in order to tell someone what it wrong I should be able to say why I feel like I do, and I can't, because i don't know. And I can't vocalise the feeling- I can't explain how I feel, at all. It's like I just don't have the language for it.

I have tried to explain this to people but they ofte don't understand the force of it. They keep trying to get me to say what's wrong, like if they coax me enough I will find words for it, but I can't. So then people get fraustrated with me. I'm so articulate about thoughts/rationality that they think I am doing it on purpose. So it's a vicious circle of sorts.

Gettingg someone to call back is a really, really goood idea. I'd never thought of that utt I think it would really help- if someone just said that they would ring back in an hour or something and check on me I think that could help me feel a llot safer and I will try that. Thank you.

I couldn't work out from your post whether talking and thinking through your feelings is a help or makes it worse.

It varies. Often it makes it worse. Thinking about it, I think that is because thinking through my feelings tends to make them more precise but without giving me any more conrol over them or power of dispersal. I get so I'm more aware of my feelinggs but still unable to do anything.

If this is right then maybe free-writing would help. I don't like helplines verry much because i have had some bad experiences of them and also becaue I just don't know what to say.

I will have another look over at coping.

Thank you so much, Laura.

Tatty