Before

[Not_what]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I don't suppose it will change all that much, it will just bring some kind of acknowledgement into my head

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will make me realise that there is something very real here. that as much as i keep trying to hide and pretend, and go round in circles, it will bring it to the surface. it will let me know that this is what im doing to myself

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the initial relief wont last long, it never does, but the lasting marks and pain will last for at least a couple of days. and then ill be back to square one

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i dont know what i could do. going to bed would be a good idea, but as my bed is predominantly associated with si, i know ill just aid my urges to si. other than that i can just sit here and prolong it. i dont know how to fight it anymore

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
ill feel (strangely) proud tomorrow that i si'd. i idnt si in college today, though i wanted to, and it made me feel like a failure - so si-ing now would erase those. ill feel like im weak, im stupid because i cant even si.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i would like to do so many things right now. too many to list


* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
my c appt today and speaking to my tutor have played a big part in making me feel so down. also, ive been out with my friends. i need to hurt myself to remind myself that im here and im real

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i didnt deal with it then, i never do

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i put a bandage over my latest si to prevent triggering myself further, and ive listened to music and played around on the web. i could just sit here until morning comes, only i dont think ill stay awake that long, as much as id like to

* How do I feel right now?
i feel angry, frustrated, worthless, degraded, vulnerable, sad, anxious

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
i wont feel anything except temporary relief

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
ill feel something good, something better than what im feeling right now

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
once i get over myself, yes. once i finally admit things *for real* and stop pretending to myself i can get through this. ive done it before, i dont see why i cant do it again. but then again, i also dont see why im not already over this.

* Do I need to hurt myself?
no but i have to. i have to know that im real, and that theres something to me. i need that constant reminder that im full of so much shit.

[Kaelyn]

ill feel (strangely) proud tomorrow that i si'd. i idnt si in college today, though i wanted to, and it made me feel like a failure - so si-ing now would erase those. ill feel like im weak, im stupid because i cant even si.

sorry - I hope I'm not offending you by saying this - but you're going through a lot of things to prevent yourself from SIing... doesn't that make you feel proud too? Why would it be weak to not SI? Doesn't it show that you're in control? That you have control over yourself when you manage to delay/beat an urge?

i need to hurt myself to remind myself that im here and im real

Can you think of other things that you can do that remind you that you are real?
For example, does it help if you take a really cold shower or stick you head in a bucket of icy water?

[Not_what]

I'm not sure what this whole weakness/proud association I've got going with SI is all about. I think it feels like I haven't got the guts, or the courage to SI< because sometimes I find it's easier not to SI than it is to, but if want to anyway then it just makes me feel like I'm not good enough to SI. If I don't SI, I don't think about it. I forget about the urges and the crappy feelings and just pretend it never existed. Maybe if I start acknowledging that, then I'll start to feel more happier when I haven't SI'd, than when I have.

I haven't tried anything like sticking my head in a bucket of water, or anything like that. I'll have to try that next time SI is almost like crying. Once I've SI'd, I can sit and sort the cuts out, and then I'd go to bed constantly thinking about it. I can't cry over myself right now, so SI is the next best thing. I feel like I can feel bad abou tmyself, because I have just given myself a reason to.

And you didn't offend me Kaelyn, thank you for replying

[Kaelyn]

I can't cry over myself right now, so SI is the next best thing. I feel like I can feel bad about myself, because I have just given myself a reason to.

Can you cry out on paper (ie- write or draw)? does that help?

Why do you have to feel bad about yourself?
Is feeling good about yourself not a much better thing to do?

[Not_what]

Whenever I try to cry it turns itself into anger and frustration, which is something I can't express for some stupid reason. Drawing things would be a good technique, only I get so frustrated when I mess it up, even if it's just general garbage I'm drawing. I've found typing thigns out helps me to express my hurt and upset, so I'm trying to expand on that by creating web blogs, and a lj etc. Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes it only hinders as I frustrate myself too easily.

My first instinct is to cry "I don't deserve to feel good about myself" even though I know that's not true. I know I have everything to feel good about, but I don't, I continue to criticise and take myself down these paths. By feeling bad, I'm not feeling anything except self ahte and pity which is aided by my (ironically) closest friend. If even he feels these feelings about me, then surely they are worth feeling? Feeling good means I'm feeling something which I shouldn't do, because what if it all blows up in my face? What if I can't live up to peoples expectations of me? I don't want to feel like a fool or be humiliated, or even open up and let people see me, because that's just another invitation to get hurt.

I really appreciate your replies and suggestions, thank you

[Kaelyn]

Your last paragraph sounds just like me.

But let me ask you some questions I started to ask myself a short time ago.
*Do you have to live up to other peoples expectations? What happens if you don't? Is that a disaster or can you live with it? Can you accept yourself when you are not able to do everything that is expected from you? Isn't it true that nobody is perfect, and nobody can fulfill the expectations of others?
*Why is opening up to other people an invitation to get hurt? IWhat happens if you sort out the people that you can trust and open up to them? Is it possible that perhaps, instead of being hurt, you form a bond with them, mutual understanding?
*What causes you to criticise yourself and take yourself down? Why do you need to do that? Is it true that your friend thinks that way about you? (or do you just think that your friend feels that way about you?)

(sorry for the bunch of questions... I'm kinda a questions-person)

_________________________________________
If you want to change something about feeling bad about yourself, I could tell you what my T has told me to do, if you like..
(otherwise, just skip the part below)

First you got to write down what you are feeling:
- how do you feel about yourself
- what thoughts are connected to these feelings
- on a scale from 1-10, how plausible are these thoughts
(eg. you feel bad, angry at yourself and the thought connected to it is "I am worthless.... it can be anything else though.. this is just an example)

Next you write down:
- anything that demonstrates that these thoughts are justifyable
- everything that demonstrates that these thoughts are incorrect

Third step:
- balance these "pros and cons"
- deduce an alternative thought from the "sum" of these (like "I am a worthy, good person)
- score the alternative thought on a scale from 1-10
- how do you feel about yourself now? is the new thought more rational?

Then you could do the extra step: identify the situation that (might have) caused these feelings&thoughts
- basically, what led up to this point.
- what can you change about that situation
- what can you do to prevent it from happening in the future
(looks a bit like the questions here on B&A )

[Not_what]

*Do you have to live up to other peoples expectations? What happens if you don't? Is that a disaster or can you live with it? Can you accept yourself when you are not able to do everything that is expected from you? Isn't it true that nobody is perfect, and nobody can fulfill the expectations of others?

Over summer, I had to live up to expectations. I was working in a n environment that *made* you be expectant of yourself. Now that summer is over, those feelings haven't left, although I don't think it's all to do with how my job has made me feel, I think it was something already there. Always, no matter what I've ever done, I've had to be the best I can be. I'm afraid to do things in front of people in case I'm not good enough. You're right, nobody can ever live up to the expectations of others, but I feel like I have to. Just because it's me, I have to. For someone in my situation, I wouldn't have the same answers, but because it's me, I feel like I need to, and if I don't, then people will be disappointed in me, and mostly, I'll be disappointed in myself for not acheiving what was possible. At the end of the day, I suppose I am who I am, but it doesn't stop me striving to be the best. But, with work i'm sure that I could learn to accept myself.

*Why is opening up to other people an invitation to get hurt? IWhat happens if you sort out the people that you can trust and open up to them? Is it possible that perhaps, instead of being hurt, you form a bond with them, mutual understanding?

Because opening up to someone gives them some kind of hidden power. They know your weak spot, and to me, that makes me more vulnerable than ever by allowing them to know something so powerful. It lets them in, and that's something I've worked so hard against. I make the wrong choices all of the time, and by allowing myself to make yet another wrong choice is too much. Everybody I've ever let in has somehow fucked me over. Even my best friends have done, and maybe it wasn't intentional, but at times it feels like it is. I have worked so hard to keep this "I'm ok, don't bother bout me, I'm tough" image going, that I couldn't stand people to see me the way that I really am. Ive always been strong, to allow people to see me as *weaker* would be letting them in too far.


*What causes you to criticise yourself and take yourself down? Why do you need to do that? Is it true that your friend thinks that way about you? (or do you just think that your friend feels that way about you?)

My friend does think that way, unfortunately. Him and his mum have had some, let's say interesting discussions, which have been rather hurtful. And although I shouldn't be bothered by what they think, the fact that she (his mum) was somebody I trusted to let in, and it feels like it's been thrown back in my face, and He is literally like, my closest friend ever. I don;t think that will be for much longer though. When other people are starting to notice the bad effect he's having on me, that's when It's time to rethink things over.

I don't know why I criticise myself, it's like I'm never good enough for my own standards. I can never fulfil what I want, and when something should be considered as a good thing, I'll shoot it down (I do the same with advice, unfortunately ) I can never be good enough for myself. If I let that tiny bit of self worth slip through, then I set myself up to fall. Because that's the way it goes. Whenever I feel good, it gets shot down by somebody, and I'd rather not let them humiliate me, when I can do a good enough job myself.


The questions are good, they make me think more in depth about myself, and think about things I normally wouldn't think about. Which is good

And those questions seem like a good idea, I'm gonna print them off then I have them to hand

[Kaelyn]

Good that you answered the questions! (and I'm glad you found them useful)
Now its my turn to start firing questions again
(yes... annoying, isn't it? )
(tell me if you want me to stop... and I'll shut up immediately)

Always, no matter what I've ever done, I've had to be the best I can be. I'm afraid to do things in front of people in case I'm not good enough.

Why are you afraid that you won't be good enough? (are you afraid that people will dislike you?) What will happen if you're not good enough? Do you think that is a disaster? (or might it be something that can be overcome?)

Just because it's me, I have to. For someone in my situation, I wouldn't have the same answers, but because it's me, I feel like I need to.

Then what is different for you? Why do you have to achieve, and someone else not per se?

Because opening up to someone gives them some kind of hidden power. They know your weak spot, and to me, that makes me more vulnerable than ever by allowing them to know something so powerful.

You could select things you want to tell someone. There is no need to tell everything. First take something small and unimportant... to check if you can trust the person. See what happens.
But you can keep them out as well. I understand why you would not want to show your 'weaker' side. Feeling vulnerable creates insecurity. Thats something you probably don't need right now. Maybe when you get more confident with yourself, and can accept yourself better would be a better time to try that.

My friend does think that way, unfortunately. Him and his mum have had some, let's say interesting discussions, which have been rather hurtful.

Did you tell him (and his mum) how hurtful that is? And did you ask why the heck they are doing that to you? What on earth is the purpose of taking a good friend down?! (sorry... I get so mad when things like that happen...)

I don't know why I criticise myself, it's like I'm never good enough for my own standards. I can never fulfil what I want

Can you lower your standards/expectations? It would give less stress and you might be happier, because when your standards are lower, you're likely to achieve them.

and when something should be considered as a good thing, I'll shoot it down. I can never be good enough for myself.

What is the purpose of shooting it down? What do you achieve by doing that? Why can't you be good enough for yourself?
Try not to take down positive things, but to write them down as a reminder that you can achieve, that you can do good things (if you want an example I suggest you take a look at Lina's log... its in the coping forum). What happens when you remind yourself of good things? Does it make you feel better? What do you lose by not taking yourself down?

If I let that tiny bit of self worth slip through, then I set myself up to fall. Because that's the way it goes. Whenever I feel good, it gets shot down by somebody, and I'd rather not let them humiliate me, when I can do a good enough job myself.

Do you need validation from others to feel good? Try to start caring less about what people tell you. The only thing that matters, is how you feel. Do you think you achieved something? Do you think you have done something that is good? etcetera.




Think about it for yourself. Is changing things really that "dangerous"?
(sure, you don't have to change everything and immediately - changes take time, and its best to change things one by one)


Sorry to "lecture" you about all this... I'm just like you myself... I take myself down too. I'm trying to work on it though. So I thought it might be helpful to share the questions I ask myself over and over again. It took me quite a while before I dared to find those questions and ask them to myself... hope I'm saving you some time here.

[Not_what]

Why are you afraid that you won't be good enough? (are you afraid that people will dislike you?) What will happen if you're not good enough? Do you think that is a disaster? (or might it be something that can be overcome?)

That's a very good question! I've no idea. I suppose I'm afraid of it coz it would change peoples perspectives on me. And realistically, it probably wouldn't change anything, they'd still think of me as how I am. I dunno, maybe it's because I always get ripped for being dumb and stupid at times, and even though it's in good humour, and I laugh along - because it is funny, but it kinda has this effect that makes me scared of not being good enough in case people laugh and take the piss out of me. Don't get me wrong, my mates don't rip me when I do something wrong, it's cause I'm so dumb and blonde and I can come out with some pretty ridiculous stuff!! It wouldn't be as bad as I think it would be, I'm probably just over-exaggerating things in my head, but inside I'd be destroyed, and vow never to make that mistake again. I think with time, and support off my friends, it would be something I could get over

Then what is different for you? Why do you have to achieve, and someone else not per se?

Because I'm me. I HAVE to be as good as I can. Like, when I learned to roll (in a kayak) there's 5 ways of doing it, but I would only say I could roll once I could do all 5 of them, whereas with someone I was teaching, it was amazing that they could do just one of them. I really don't know what makes me so different, but I know that I have to push myself down, I can't act as good as maybe I could be. To other people, I have to criticise myself, I don't wanna be rejected, or talked about. I suppose a lot of it is insecurity.

You could select things you want to tell someone. There is no need to tell everything. First take something small and unimportant... to check if you can trust the person. See what happens.
But you can keep them out as well. I understand why you would not want to show your 'weaker' side. Feeling vulnerable creates insecurity. Thats something you probably don't need right now. Maybe when you get more confident with yourself, and can accept yourself better would be a better time to try that.

That sounds like a good plan, some of my friends do know little snippets, but even that makes me fel bad, especially when it gets ignored, or ridiculed.

Did you tell him (and his mum) how hurtful that is? And did you ask why the heck they are doing that to you? What on earth is the purpose of taking a good friend down?!

I haven't said anything, I was just like.... thanks.... but I think he appreciated how much it had hurt. And I suppose in reality, they were just being honest, though there was no need to put it like that. I'm afraid to bring it up in case it just leaves room for more of the same shit and I don't wanna open myself up to be hurt anymore.

Can you lower your standards/expectations? It would give less stress and you might be happier, because when your standards are lower, you're likely to achieve them.

I dunno, it would be very hard. I don't know how to...

What is the purpose of shooting it down? What do you achieve by doing that? Why can't you be good enough for yourself?

Because if I shoot it down, then I don't give somebody else the chance to. Making myself feel a fool is better than somebody else making me feel that way. At least if I can show them that I acknowledge that, then they'll know that I know it, if that makes sense. I can't be good, good things just don't happen to me, not without a consequence anyway.

Do you need validation from others to feel good? Try to start caring less about what people tell you. The only thing that matters, is how you feel. Do you think you achieved something? Do you think you have done something that is good?

That's whats stupid, I don't need validation off other people, yet I do. I have never bothered about what people think of me, I don't care, until I slowly realise that I do. I care about what people think of me on here, in college, at home, out in a foreign country. I restrict my posting in case someone looks at it bad, I wont open out to be myself at college in case of what people think of me. I don't know why I care so much. And even if I do think I've done good, secretly I will do, I could never express it, and as soon as I start to doubt something someone has said, or even that somebody has *thought* that, then it makes me immediately shoot it down and criticise myself

I don't suppose changing things is all that dangerous, and eventually would be something that I could oversome, and would like to. I;d get used to it!! I don't want to be like this forever, but the first step seems so hard to take.

Im glad to hear that you're trying to work your issues through, I'm sorry I can't be of any help to you.

These questions are very useful, thank you so much for sharing them with me, they really make me think about what I'm really thinking.

I'm off to take a peek at Lina's thread