before??

[Laura]

It's sort of before. As in, well I have already, but I still badly want to do more

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  The feeling will get less. It's too loud and too painful right now and I've delayed for so long I just need it to go away.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  Bring ... a sense of completion? A sense of mattering?
  Take away ... well I want it to take away the pain that's in my head that won't shut up. But it might also take away what little shreds of a sense of being able to cope that I had.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to feel like this ... whatever it is that I'm feeling is real and not exaggerated or invented but it really does hurt. SI will get me closer to that.
  But I also want to stop feeling like I'm a lost cause and this whatever it is is just too bad and can never be fixed. SI will get me further from that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It might last quite a while. I haven't felt this bad for a good few weeks, so if I can sort this out this time...
  What will I do then? Well there isn't a limit. I can SI little and often if I have to. I just need to prevent the ones that put me IP.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could go to bed. Cry myself to sleep. I might feel better in the morning or I might not.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  If I SI, I'll just get up tomorrow and get on with things. If I just go to bed, then tomorrow I will feel guilty for not SIing and guilty for the feelings and then maybe SI just before I go out. SIing in a hurry like that not good.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I don't know I don't know I don't know. It's late, ok? I can't scream. I can't go out. I can't talk to anyone. It's just me and it.
• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I saw my social worker today. Felt shaken and I don't even know why. We talked for an hour and I cried and everything he said just made it worse he didn't mean to it's just every time they tell me not to dwell on the stuff that hurts they make it hurt more cos I'm wrong for even thinking it and wrong to think it matters and I just feel like nobody gets it at all.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Not really, I've never stayed this shaky for so many hours after an appointment before. That was 10am. It's now 11 at night.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've done everything. I SIed a little. I went to work, did crossword with friend, went to seminar, sat at desk and tried to work, went home, lay on bed hugging cat, played my "emergency tape", posted on another forum...
  The only thing I can sensibly do now is go to bed. But that will leave me lying awake feeling more and more hurt and alone so will that really be better in the long run?
• How do I feel right now?
  Desperate.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  That depends on whether it works, on whether I manage to do enough to get the relief.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Relieved, I hope. Calm enough to sleep.
  Tomorrow - matter of fact. Justified. Secretive.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  Not really. Going to appointments with psych people is supposed to help. And when I'm in trouble all they can suggest is "talk to someone" which is what caused it in the first place. And they might let me down, might take delight in ignoring my pleas for help, which is the upsetting thing that we talked about today. I can't win.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Does it matter?

[balletomane]

Hi Laura.

I am sorry that you are feeling so desperate right now. Please try to stay safe.

You said that if you sleep, you might feel better you might not. how about taking a chance and sleeping? Maybe if you don't feel one hundred percent better, you will probably be in a better place to keep yourself safe.

It sounds like you should work on being gentle with yourself right now. Critically considering your thoughts/feelings can happen later.

Take care of yourself Laura. PM me if you need anything.