Before *drink, drugs, SI, SU*

[shadowavenger]

right now I want to SI, drink and get high so this is about all of these. also dealing with suicidal feelings that I don't want to act on. comments and hugs welcome x

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
if I SI it will make me feel worse but I will enjoy the pain and the feeling of control over myself for a few minutes. if I drink I will feel great for a few hours and then totally awful tomorrow. if I get high I will feel good for a few minutes and then feel disappointed in myself because I haven't got high for a few months.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Drink and drugs will take away the numbness and fill it with something happy. SI will make me feel in control and make me feel real pain rather than the wishy-washy emotional numbness. It will also bring the paranoia that comes with having to hide these actions, but this is not much worse than having to hide my feelings. Doing any of them will make me have to start again counting the days I've been clean (SI: days, drink: weeks, drugs: months) and will take away any semblance of positive feeling that I got out of talking through my suicidal feelings last night.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to be clean, sober and happy. Hurting myself physically or chemically will not help any of these. It will feed my self-destructive instincts and bring me closer to suicide again, which part of me wants and part of me is very scared of.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last from a few minutes to a few hours, and tonight I will feel atrocious again and will probably be numb again like I am now, and want to do it again. I can see this going in a big circle like it seems to every single day and part of the reason suicide seems appealing right now is because i keep going in circles.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could go play some video games or do some homework or watch some TV. Doing homework is probably best as I will feel like I have done something positive towards the huge list of work I have to do this week.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself then I will feel bad about it tomorrow, and probably feel exactly the same as I do now. If I do some homework I will probably feel exactly the same tomorrow as I do now, but I will at least have less to do and less to deal with and that might make me feel a bit better.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
right now I want to feel happy, but not just a normal happy. I want to feel chemically happy, the sort of great floating feeling that makes up for all the bad feelings that come before and after it. I could go and have a nap but when I wake up the problems will still be there.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I don't feel I need to, more that I want to. I feel like I can't express my feelings and I just keep going around in circles not getting anywhere with working through my feelings, and I'd rather feel the pain of SI than the numbness I feel now. I feel withdrawal from drink and drugs which hits me every now and again and if I don't feed it it will get physically worse until I'm practically crying out for them.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've been here so many times before. I have dealt with it by giving in to urges and by fighting them on different occasions, but I always seem to end up at the same point the next day.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have done some work and I have told myself that I can get high in two hours (now an hour and a half) if I have done some work and this before post. I could watch some TV or play video games but that will just keep me feeling numb. I could text my friend and ask to talk to her but that will make her worried and she can't really do anything other than talk to me.

How do I feel right now?
Numb and cold, like I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff and can't decide whether or not to jump.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Out of body and out of mind. I will feel like I'm watching someone else do this, and if I'm high I will feel like everything is wonderful and I'm looking at the world through fuzzy glasses that make everything soft and unable to hurt me.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Tomorrow I will feel exactly the same as I do now, whether or not i hurt myself. If I do hurt myself I may feel worse but I doubt it. Hurting myself will just help me get through today.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I have to get better in order to get away from this stressor, and my therapy will hopefully be starting in a few weeks but in the meantime I'm just trying to stay alive.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No. I want to.

[shadowavenger]

well i went and played Donkey Konga for an hour, and my hands are red and I feel even more disassociated than before, but I haven't done anything to hurt myself yet.