Before

[Chocoboko]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I will have successfully expressed the anger inside of me due to the chronic invalidation I get from other people.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I will feel temporarily relieved. It's the same kind of relief I get from one who validates me and understands my feelings. I feel desperate for this relief and I just don't know what to do when I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and anger.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

This is a double-edged sword. If I cut, I would break my year and a half record of being SI free. I would drive myself nuts. But on the other hand, if I did hurt myself, others would get the message that I am not okay and need comfort.

I know this sounds so bad, but I find it hard to get attention unless I do something drastic. I think people pay more attention if I say, "I am stupid and worthless for ever wanting that." rather than, "I am very hurt that I could not get that." Some of my friends who ignored me began paying more attention when I first SIed. But it faded away when I stopped. Now if I tell people I want attention, I get platitudes saying to "love yourself" and "not need others".

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I do not know how long the relief will last. I will feel guilty. Afterwards, I will probably want to hurt myself more because I'll feel more like I am failing in life.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I know plenty of other coping mechanisms, but I know they are no healthier than SI. I could go into "energy-based repression" and become very hyper to repress these bad feelings. I could sleep my life away, but I will drive myself nuts knowing that nothing got done. I could comfort eat, but then I'd feel guilty all the same afterward.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I *really* want to just be held. I want someone to hold me tight, look into my eyes, and say they understand what I am thinking and feeling (and truly mean it). You may confuse with with romantic love, but it's not. This is a deprivation that haunted me from childhood. I was deprived of reassurance and comfort for those things which scared me.

I wish I could explain this more, but I just long for more than mere actions. I want someone to "be" there for me, rather than "do" things for me. I want one in my life who won't rely on rote actions, but on being very open to my own thoughts and feelings and seeking to understand them.

I really do want to get better, despite that others insist I don't. But I can't do it on my own. So I get so frustrated when people I go to for help invalidate my feelings further and say I need to learn to take care of myself and not be dependent on people. What really bothers me is that some of the same people who tell me that vent their feelings about being lonely the next day.

[Kaelyn]

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I know plenty of other coping mechanisms, but I know they are no healthier than SI. I could go into "energy-based repression" and become very hyper to repress these bad feelings. I could sleep my life away, but I will drive myself nuts knowing that nothing got done. I could comfort eat, but then I'd feel guilty all the same afterward.

Could you try to find a less damaging alternative for SI? I sometimes find it helpful to "punish" myself by doing running. Not jogging, but really running until I almost collapse. Gives about the same feeling and its a good way to vent emotions. Maybe you could try something similar. dunno.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I *really* want to just be held. I want someone to hold me tight, look into my eyes, and say they understand what I am thinking and feeling (and truly mean it).

This sounds really familiar to me. (and in the same non-romantic way)
Can you think of anyone irl that you could ask to just hold you for a while?