after

[Alethea]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

yes - they weren't bad
(and actually i did this a couple hours ago but my computer has a virus i just discovered and so i'm trying to recreate it because i thought the feedback might be helpful - i'm on a different computer now)

what had happened just before?

i had just returned from dinner which i had to leave because there was someone i didn't really know there and he bothered me
but i had been urgy all day

what were you thinking and feeling?

overwhelmed
stressed
alone
trapped

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

i probably could have held out a little longer - until my shower
but my roommate was still at dinner so i had the opportunity

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

all week really i had been slightly urgy - usually worse at night
yesterday si came up when i was talking with my friend who knew i had si'd and she made a comment about not thinking i did anymore - and not wanting to know if i did so i felt like i couldn't talk to her
i spent about an hour i had been planning to get work done during talking to a friend who was stressed about writing a paper
i had been very unproductive and unable to concentrate and felt i needed focus
i had read a quote in an article where the actor who played Jesus in The Passion said that pain helped to focus and motivate him - which i related to
i felt like snapping at people around me when they weren't doing anything to provoke that response, which made me feel bad
i physically and mentally wanted to release everything, that feeling that by si you would be able to concentrate and move on beyond the urges
lack of control over projects that required the contributions of others


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

not really

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

i had tried writing the past couple of days which didn't really do anything for the urges
i went to dinner and hence left my room
i talked to a friend a little
i tried to talk to another friend (the one who knows) but she wasn't there

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

i don't really know
possibly taking a walk but then i would have felt even more stressed about not having enough time to get everything done

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

not really
i will try to get some work done (i did get some done since the first time i tried to post!)
maybe trying to talk to my friend would help just to tell her i know its hard for her but i want her to know the truth (she used to be anorexic so she kinda understands) and that i need suport - but i probably won't talk to her because now i'd feel bad since she doesn't want to know

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

yes. i can usually recognize i am there but i am not always good at responding to it. i'm not sure why but it just seems like sometimes it is a lot easier to move beyond those feelings/situations than others

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

taking a walk
writing
talking to a friend
making a list and crossing things off as i do them so i will feel more productive and in control

(sadly i think my first try at writing this was better. i don't think this is all that good but maybe it will help me to improve analyzing my si)

[Alethea]

What are you overwhelmed by? work? is that what is making you stressed? Did you feel alone or lonely? you can be lonely in a crowd so it's an important distinction, why did you choose to be alone when you could have been with people?

The work made me stressed. I was technically alone but I was also lonely - so I guess lonely would be better - since being with others didn't really help. Being with others when I feel that way can make things worse because I feel like I don't belong. I was feeling overwhelmed by the combination of my own feelings and the problems of my friends.

Is the shower a ritualistic place for you to self-harm or is it just because you have opportunity to self-harm in the shower? Why is opportunity so important to you? do the urges because stronger if you don't have opportunity or do they ebb away?

It is more that i have the opportunity to si in the shower because i am alone. sometimes the urges slowly go away if i don't have the opportunity or if i don't give in but other times they just keep coming back, every day. this had been coming back and getting stronger.
i will have to think of a good answer for why opportunity is important when i have more time.

Why did you feel that she did not want to know or did she specifically say, I don't want to know if you still self-harm? What made you feel that you couldn't assert yourself? Did you actually not want to tell her that you still self-harm?

she said she trusted me because she didn't think i would si anymore and then looked at my face and said she wouldn't look at my face when she said things like that because she didn't want to think i was
i guess i don't want to burden people with me and a response like that makes me feel like i would be. i don't want people to worry about me - only to understand me


Did SI help you to be in control? What did it change about the situation that made you feel more in control? Was it because you changed your own attitude after you had self-harmed because you had the illusion of self-control through SI?


i think i do get the illusion of self control over si. i also get focus and concentration through it. i feel like it helps me to be more in control of myself even if technically nothing has changed about the external situations

thank you for challenging me to think more. i will think about some of these things some more after class![/b]