After...

[what_if]

Have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yeah, they dont need anything.

What had happened just before?

I was on BUS, reading a thread. It was such an inspiring thread, so i dont understand why...of all times....i choose to SI at that moment.

What were you thinking and feeling?

That everyone has made it so far...i'd love to be able to do that. I was (and still am) completely stressed about homework. I'm never usually stressed about work, but this is different. For drama, we have to write a log entry per lesson. I havent done one in a while, and now i have roughly 23 entries due for tomorrow There's just been a build up of things lately, and i kind of started panicing a little. I started SIing almost without realizing it.

Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

Because i just couldnt take things anymore. I've been like a time bomb for a while now...huge amount of stress, no way of getting it out. Its just been building and building, so i suppose that was the final straw.

It felt like i was having a panic attack, and i think that caused me to SI.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

Stress....a lot of stress. Not being able to handle things anymore...feeling like i'm loosing control over my emotions. I've had urges almost every hour of the day, and its been an event waiting to happen

*SI*
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Events? Well it started waaaay back i think.
Ever since i've tried to stop, the urges to SI have been far worse than before. Every minute of the day, i'd imagine it. Not imagine doing it, but just have images (i'll try not to go into details) of cuts, scars, blood...and they wouldnt go away. Its probably normal to have such thoughts come up when you're trying to quit, but it got to a stage where i couldnt handle it anymore.

I'm weak. That, combined with the great deal of stress i've been under lately led to this i think

I dont think there was any decision i could have made to change anything. Perhaps trying to deal with some of the stress, not putting off jobs and work, and maybe talking to a family member about what i've been feeling.

Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

Lack of sleep...definitely. I've been exhausted for a while now, and that definitely hasnt helped. As well as SI, i had taken to painkillers as a way of harming myself further. I recently told my sister about this, and eventually, every pill was removed from our house. It was a very good thing i know, but its been awful. Every time i see a pill of any sort, it reminds me of everything. Yesterday i was at my grandfathers and he had (due to his many medical problems) a large collection of medications. This triggered me greatly, and its been in my head since then.

I dont know of a way i can address this...i suppose trying to get more sleep. But i cant see what to do with the other problem...i cant just avoid pills for the rest of my life.

What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I feel awful to say, not many. I barely realized i was SIing until after a while. I've been extremely out of it these past few days, so nothing much has registered lately.

In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Yes. Leaving my room. Going and talking to my mom would have probably helped greatly.

Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Two things? Trying to remember that my mom is always there for me, and i can talk with her about anything. And....knowing that my room isnt infact a prison, and i can indeed get out of it when i want to.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

Its not resolved. I dont think it'll ever be resolved unfortunately. Stress doesnt go away....neither do unpleasant thoughts about SI. I could try and reduce my stress levels. Get things done earlier so i wont have to rush them. Talk about how i'm feeling, rather than bottling my emotions up.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I likely will be
I always start feeling nervous and anxious when i want to SI, so that's a sign i could recognize. Right now, all i want is to SI again. I feel like i've already failed now, why not do it again? It cant cause much more damage....

And yes, i know that's a stupid outlook, but its how i'm feeling at the moment. I feel like I'm already in that emotional place again

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

Getting out of my room!
Focusing on something to try and relax me.
Talk to a family member
Write down what i'm feeling

Sorry for the long post...thanks to anyone who reads

~ Nat

[tattybluetrees]

Hi. From me, too, don't worry about the fact that your post was long. That's a really good thing.

I agree with Mab about the Zen Art of Fuck It. I used to ring my mum up when I was very stressed and had too much work to do and couldn't cope and she'd always say 'is there anythingg you can do about it now?' and either the answer would be yes, in which case we'd make a plan for how I was going to deal with it, dividing things into 'urgent' 'important' and 'if I get time'. Then we'd think of a very detailed plan for how I was going to do it, which wuld be like:
-read this article
-read this chapter
-if I have time, read this book, if not, don't
-write an introduction
-go to bed
-get up early
-write next hundred words/start next assignment
-have breakfast
and so on. As soon as I had a plan like that, with the order in which I needed to do things, it seemed easier, because I could just do one bit at a time, which I think is a really important thing to try when you are feeling overwhelmed by work.
If the answer to 'can you do anything about it?' was no, then mu would say well, then dn't worry, because there's no point.

It seemed to work.

Is there anyone calm who you could call when you feel overwhelmed with work, who might be able to help you make a plan like this? Could you explain to them at a time when you aren't stressed what you need from them when you are, so that they're prepared?

I dont think there was any decision i could have made to change anything. Perhaps trying to deal with some of the stress, not putting off jobs and work, and maybe talking to a family member about what i've been feeling.

Not putting things off is a good way of avoiding being in this position again. But you also need to have a plan for what happens if you do. Perhaps you might think of dealing with this as needing two seperate strategies: one for long term- how do you not get here again? and one for short term- what do I do if I do get here?

I've been like a time bomb for a while now...huge amount of stress, no way of getting it out. Its just been building and building, so i suppose that was the final straw.

Can you list what you felt as it was building up? Those feelings could then be signs which would tell you that things are getting bad. Although you may not have been aware of what was going on immediately before, it's possible sometimes to find warning signs further back, so that you can try and act maybe hourss or days before, rather than getting to the stage where you don't know what you're doing.

I don't know what to suggest about the pills, I'm afraid. I, too, have had to throw all medication out apart from the completely necessary which my housemate rations out to me. It's not ideal, in any way, but I don't know how to move forward. Mab's advice is the best I've heard. That's just a little 'it aint just you'.

Take care.

Tatty

[what_if]

Thankyou both so much for the replies

can you describe the feelings that you had? what did you feel physically?

Feeling very anxious, shakey, a little dizzy, heart beating a lot faster...my breathing seemed to quicken a lot too. Not sure if that's really what a panic attack is (i dont think it was ), but that's pretty much what i felt physically.

Why are you having problems sleeping?

Quite a few reasons actually. I've been getting to bed really late recently because of homework...i was the last person up in my house last night
And when i do finally get to bed, i just have so many things racing through my mind that its impossible to sleep. I havent had a good night's sleep in ages, and its building up. I can barely walk in a straight line anymore, i'm so tired

I either wanted to take pills when I saw them or just seeing them made me panicky

Exactly how i feel.

Thankyou so incredibly much for the advice. I've had huge problems dealing with this issue, and what you said has greatly helped. I realise that its not the pills themself making me feel this way, but my memories and emotions relating to them. And i agree...i hope i can move past it soon too

You will probably never deal with it quite as well as some other people.

I know Dealing with stress has never been a strong point for me. I crack easily.

Have you tried relaxation techniques? meditation and those kinds of things?

No, never really tried much. My main (and definitely stupidest strategy) is to try and forget about the problem. I avoid it like the plague. If i have something urgent to do, i'll feel so overwhelmed that i'll just ignore it completely. An incredibly stupid habit i must break soon

Hehe and I love the concept of the Zen Art of Fuck It. I'll definitely try it out next time...thankyou so much for the suggestion

Tattyblue, that sounds like a great idea. Its an organised way to deal with things, which i think is very important. If i were to talk to my mom about it (as supportive as she is), she'd probably lecture me on why i hadnt got the things done earlier But its definitely worth a try

Perhaps you might think of dealing with this as needing two seperate strategies: one for long term- how do you not get here again? and one for short term- what do I do if I do get here?

*nods* Good idea. Its important to have options for both, so...
I suppose not getting there again would mean trying to reduce my stress levels, getting some much needed sleep, getting things done earlier so i wont have to rush through them...

And for if i do get there again...
Noticing the warning signs as soon as i feel urgey or triggered, and actually do something to help the feelings go away (get out of my room, talk to someone, write)....anything to calm myself down and get past the urge.

Can you list what you felt as it was building up?

Erm....a number of things. Anxious, nervous (i'm nervous all day, everyday, continuously...i have no reason to be either ), like i've completely lost control over everything in my life, a little nauseous, and really shaken up in general.

I'll definitely look out for the signs next time. Thanks

It's not ideal, in any way, but I don't know how to move forward. Mab's advice is the best I've heard. That's just a little 'it aint just you'.

I know...it can be extremely hard to move forward sometimes. But its definitely good to know that it isnt just me being strange

Your advice has really helped Thank you both so much

~ Nat

[tattybluetrees]

Why are you having problems sleeping?

Quite a few reasons actually. I've been getting to bed really late recently because of homework...i was the last person up in my house last night
And when i do finally get to bed, i just have so many things racing through my mind that its impossible to sleep.

Just one further thought- I know its a cliche, but I find counting (sheep, if you must) really helps when I have racing thoughts which stop me from sleeping. I focus on my breathing and count one on the first breath in, two as I exhale, three as I inhale, and so on, trying to keep it as slow and rhythmical as possible. If I start thinking about something else, then I go back to one again. I find that it really does help, and also sends me to sleep quicker the more I practice.

Glad to be of some help, and I hope things get easier soon.

Tatty

[what_if]

Mab, I've tried using a paper bag once before, and it actually did really help. I'll be sure to use it if it ever happens again (i'm hoping it wont though )
Thanks again

Tatty, its not cliche I think i'll try something other than sheep (as fun as it sounds hehe). It sounds like a very good idea, going back to one when your mind starts wandering...i'll definitely try it
Thankyou heaps

~ Nat