lookee -- lycander's doing a before instead of an after!

[Lycander]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

-like scratching an itch... i just want to do it! i'm tired of saying no. there's a certain place i've been eyeing for weeks -- i like my scars a lot, but i'm an artist and like the lines to be balanced and beautiful, and there's a place that's not right. i know that's just an excuse, but it's real, too.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

-nice happy pain... focus... relief.
it'll put me further away from my goal of safe and sane.
(i'm trying to not feel guilty about my si because guilt isn't constructive, but that takes away a big deterrent... i need to find some useful alternative to self-hating guilt...)

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

-honestly, it'll last for a couple days. i have a pdoc app't tomorrow morning, so that would be touchy -- he'll try to get me to up the meds or consider more intense therapy stuff, which i'm not sure i want... -- but other than that... i like looking at my new wounds, and watching them heal.
however, it will make it harder to say no the next time an urge comes, and the logical part of my brain is worried that i'll mess up my viola-playing because each time i si, it's worse than the last time, and i can't afford (literally!) to mess up the music.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

-chocolate ice cream, which is symbolic of all aspects of taking care of myself. (food, time, spending a little money on luxuries, listening to the little kid inside me that just wants ice cream, simple joys...)
i can also fold my laundry, which i enjoy.
then i can go to bed early, whether or not i actually manage to sleep.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

-i won't have to worry about people at work seeing a new cut and wondering.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

-i don't know -- i really don't know. if i knew why i wanted to cut, it would be easier to answer this question. if i come up with anything, i'll be back. for now, ice cream.

thanks for reading, eh?
-lycander

[what_if]

... focus... relief.

Is there a way of you gaining focus and relief without SIing? Perhaps try really focusing on something...anything, and seeing if that helps at all. Pick an object, and think about it. Its layers, its colors....everything. It might focus you, and perhaps calm the urge a little.

... i like looking at my new wounds, and watching them heal.

You said 'watching them heal'. Is that, in a way, watching a part of yourself healing? Not just physically, but seeing your scars as yourself, watching and letting them (yourself) heal? If that's the case (sorry if i'm way off), is there a way of mentally doing this? Clearing your mind of all thoughts, and taking a few moments to try to picture yourself healing and becoming whole again might help a little. Just a suggestion

Hope some of that helps.
Take care

~ Nat

[Lycander]

Thanks, Nat!

Focus is a biggee for me. Sometimes drawing works. I'll use your suggestions and work on learning to focus without needing the intensity of cutting.

Last night, I managed to procrastinate through -- folded laundry and read and emailed a bit -- and didn't SI. Feeling much less urgey this morning, which is happy.

-Lycander

[what_if]

Drawing could definitely work. Good idea
And huge congrats on not SIing last night, you should be extremely proud
Stay strong

~ Nat