after

[ArchyOpteryx]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yep

what had happened just before?
was thinking
dreaming
praying

what were you thinking and feeling?
sex
thinking
if i could have one beer
a good solid 7
and a cosmic guarantee of no consequences
i would do it

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
interesting question
it was very odd
different than other times
i thought there would always be consequences
and i can never cheat ever
so i felt good to be strong to realize and accept
and i wanted to reward myself
also
i knew i could never give myself what i wanted
ever
and resolving sex issues with my wife seems insurmountable
we are making some progress
but i FEEL i am doing all the work
on my issues and hers
and i am so tired
and i "deserved" a break
so i gave myself a "present"
out of "love" for me

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
it never really got to the final straw stage
this is different
maybe i have broken some agreement with posting on before and after?

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
definitely
so busy and overworked
baby woke us at 4 am
wife crying from rocking crying baby for an hour
me strong and so great and supportive
really proud of me for taking care of family
and realizing that i do not know how to take care of me
so gave up on that for this morning
and did what i knew how to do - take care of my family
i was really great for her

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i did a ton of work in the last few hours
that feels good
i am taking care of the company
and taking care of myself and my family by doing well and earning promotions etc
but i am very unsatisfied at work

hmmmm

if i keep thinking about that
this may turn into a before post

NEXT QUESTION!

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
no
none
i
this hurts writing this
it is so sad
i feel i have nothing and no one
that is so sad
poor little me
looking at me from outside of me
i want to hold me and tell me there there it's going to be all all right
but you know how it is
i am a grown man
my mommy missed her chance to comfort me years ago
i do not know if that void can ever be filled now
just imagining doing it for myself helps a tiny bit if i don't get lost in self pity and keep it to self love - no, not masturbation! geez. get your mind out of the gutter. my mind is often in the gutter, but i digress. my therapist filled that comforting mommy role for me once. i cried and she cared and said there there. that was nice.

i read goodnight moon to my son last night
and the old woman whispering hush
that was so sad and beautiful
it touched my pain

my wife and i watched "that 70's show" last night
and the young lady on the show
she decides she is "ready to be with" her boyfriend
and that whole situation hit me
she equated sex with love
because she loved him she felt good about having sex
plus she looks a lot like my last girlfriend
who was a bit of a nympho
so that may be the last time i watch that show
pity, because it makes my wife and i laugh on a regular basis

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
oh
i was supposed to write other coping methods
what i really need is to fill that void
how i do not know
it seems reasonable to ask my wife to hold me and say "there there"
trouble is
she blames herself if i feel bad
she is working on not feeling responsible for my emotions
we both are
so i will try that today if she is not too stressed out already
likelihood: 25%
i get angry that she is not strong
so i try not to even consider it
then i do not get angry
i must work on putting less weight on my emotions
just feel them and accept them and not have to act on them
oh brother
that is too much for right now.

NEXT QUESTION!

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
yeah
i'm out of energy
but i gave it the old college try!

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

[tattybluetrees]

Heya arch.

Reading your post what struck me really strongly was the not meeting of your needs (if that makes sense).
You say you could never give yourself what you wanted, buut also describe the SI as an act of love (I understand that- I'm not criticising what you say at all). Which makes it seem like it was a sort of surrogate, a way of fulfilling needs you otherwisedon't feel able to meet.
You have every right to be proud of your ability to look after your family.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i did a ton of work in the last few hours
that feels good
i am taking care of the company
and taking care of myself and my family by doing well and earning promotions etc

I guess this seemed really important. Looking after other people does feel good- it gives one a sense of goodness and control. That's not illusory. But coping through work seems like another way of caring for other people- your family, the company- rather than you.

Is there any way you can sit down and identify some small things that you could do for yourself? To look after yourself in small ways? I used to drink hotchocolate in cafes. It seemed to be the only thing that helped. Maybe if you thought of a thing you could do for yourself rather than just thinking oof yourself in a compassionate way, then the self love wouldn't turn to self pity?

There must be ways that you can do a grown man version of telling yourself it's okay? I found ddrinking hot chocolate and buying stockings worked a treat. Maybe you should leave out the stockings, but, you know, horses for courses.

Take care.
Tatty

[ArchyOpteryx]

yeah
i've been buying myself the male equivalent of stockings all month
that would be tools, hardware, and even some lumber
ok, i stole the lumber from pile of wood behind a storage bin
but i forgive me

anyway
i've spent too much already this month - mostly on books
(and some bandages)
i dunno
it didn't help much

i'm switching meds tomorrow
i really need to do some sports and make some friends and go out to a pub
seems there's never any time

i am just ultra-lame when it comes to taking care of myself

i am sitting down
to take care of me i can:
read a book
work in the garage
go to the batting cages (baseball, not cricket)
go...
do....

go do...

take off work early and go see a movie


shit, no i can't

dammit
i've got too much work to do
i shouldn't even be typing this!
i just don't have that kind of time!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

thank you

[balletomane]

Sorry you are so pressed for time at work. Do you have sick days or vacation time? I know taking the whole day off would be hard, but could you leave an hour early?

Sorry I'm not being very helpful.

[plantt]

masturbation! geez. get your mind out of the gutter.
--what's causing you to associate masturbation with 'mind in gutter'?

i am very unsatisfied at work
--are there things with current job you could do to feel more satisfied? are you looking for another job? could you do things outside of work so that it'd kinda balance the unsatisfaction with work?

i do not know if that void can ever be filled now
--past things cannot change... how we view them & respond to them can. & that really sucks. it'd be nice to be able to change the past... to have things be better in the past & have fonder memories of those things. & we can cause things to be different in our lives now & in the future.

but i gave it the old college try!
--was that enough? how could you do things differently if that situation comes up again?

[tattybluetrees]

I recognise the feeling of work stress and too much to do. Will your holiday help? Will you get time to be yourself by yourself? Is there any way you can insist on spending some of the time doing things *you* want to do?

-i really need to do some sports and make some friends and go out to a pub
seems there's never any time

Is there anyway you could make time? Maybe one evening or lunch hour a week that is for going to the gym or playing squash or whatever it is that real men do (I wouldn't know; they don't make trainers with high heels)? I say this but I have no idea what you job is like so I accept it might be impossible.

Seems like you're on the right track with the books and the garage work, talking ideally and ignoring the problem of time. Buying oneself presents is a good thing, but can sometimes be surrogate love, I think- like guilt purchases. Alternatively, it just means you (like me) are a dirty capitalist, and there's nowt wrong with that.

I hope the med change helps. Good luck and best thoughts, and I hope my persistent questioning hasn't been too annoying.
Tatty

[ArchyOpteryx]

thank you
thank you
and thank you

balletomane
you are very helpful
i have vacation coming up next week
that should be good

plantt
you are wily
you cut to the issue
and leave no room for ego
your ideas are hard and true
they require work and challenge me much
masturbating in the gutter - joke, nervous about sex in general, ashamed of wanting sex at all, sex tied with SA, abuse, guilt, degradation

work satisfactory - generally 2nd week of month sucks ass, big boring report due, rest of month i get to play with computer nerdy stuff i like, i have pushed to meke rest of month fun and i got it! go me
i am looking for other jobs, and considering grad schools, but not smart enough to go to caltech cosmology (cosmos, not cosmetics) or ucla neurobiology, which is all i really want. all or nothing problem there, i am working on it.

past is past - yep

try enough? - yes, that was enough. i was out of energy, and to keep going would not have been "taking care of me."

do different - ditch work and wander aimlessly. not an option this week

tatty
the holiday should help, there will be a pool
and a lake
maybe i can rent a little sailboat for me
yeah
i need a couple hours every week for ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
squash is for fags
well
people with a friend to play squash with, anyway
and
i have some time except for 2nd week of the month
i think "surrogate love" is illegal in california, but it sounds good
your questions do not annoy
they make me feel like you care enough to spend time on me
they make me feel loved
surrogately

thank you all
arch