No, don't need it.
what had happened just before?
This is very stupid. I was having strong wishes to go out to eat at my favorite resteraunt. But I know I will be going there Saturday with my family and I don't need to waste money going there today too. So...I chose not to go. But the wish/urge wouldn't go away...I got frustrated with myself and SIed.
what were you thinking and feeling?
I was angry with myself for having such irrational urges that didn't respond to logic. I am upset that I am not ready for my final tomorrow (another reason to stay home and study, not go out to eat). I am probably more triggered because it has been almost 10 days since my last SI. But...none of those are good enough reasons to explain what I have done. I am now incredibly angry with myself...I threw away a lot of hard work and progress over NOTHING!
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I don't know. There is no reason for it. I have been a lot more upset than I was then in the past few days and got through it. But this one...I didn't get through. I don't even know if I tried to. I guess the real difference was that I was trying to clean my house somewhat (hide all evidence of SI/depression) and I picked up my tools. I could have just put them away. But I didn't. I chose to use them first...and it was a deliberate choice.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
So many things could have changed it. Even just trying would have changed it.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Was off my meds a few days ago, but back on for the past two days.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Nothing. And obviously doing nothing doesn't work. I just made myself something else to eat...feeling strong urges to purge it, but going to resist that. But, I didn't really realize I was having urges to SI until I was making the decision to SI.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Anything would have helped. I should have put the tools down. I should have taken a nap. I should have gone out to eat and wasted $5 before SIing. Anything would have been a better choice than the one I made.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I don't know what to do...I guess I need to slow down, but I am not sure I would have caught myself fast enough to remember to slow down. I don't know....Angry angry angry.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I don't know...I guess the problem was being angry and frustrated with myself and I am actually more angry now. Because I didn't SI badly enough to get the relief I want, but I did do enough to get the sense of guilt and ruin my days free. So...it seems to me very logical that I need a lot more SI to take care of this. But somehow, I know this logic doesn't add up somehow...just right now, it seems very right.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Um...yes. Still here.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I am posting here.
I will drink hot chocolate (have to drink it slow, it will take time)
And...um...I will...try to wait at least five minutes before doing anything.
