my first post here

[-Kel-]

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? iw ill feel calmer and more in controle

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? in making me calmer i will be able to think more clearly about it.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? i want to feel that she's still there, harming wont making it futher or closer

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? i'm not sure how long it will last, i will think about it rationaly.

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i could talk to her but that cant happen for a little while

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? il feel bad that a hurt when i know its the last thing she wants.

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i want people i rely on to stop leaving me.

[NobodyToYou]

I know I am a little late...I don't know if you are still in the same place you were, but I had some thoughts I wanted to share with you. If they don't help for this time, maybe they will help next time you have urges.
It sounds like you see two options right now...reach out and get support from other people (someone in particular...) or SI. Is that right?
I can understand that...and it seems to me that reaching out is the better option. But I also wonder if there are things that you can do to help yourself right now...maybe not things that will solve the situation but things that will help you be able to tolerate the emotions until you can get the outside support you are looking for?
It seems that you don't want to SI because it would hurt other and they would not want you to. What do you want for yourself? Is SI getting you there? If not, what direction is it taking you?
I am sorry you are feeling so confused and worked up. I know that is not a fun way to feel. But I hope you have gotten through it alright and when you are stable enough, that you can think through what happened to trigger it and how you could change things.

[-Kel-]

Hey, i havnt done anything yet... i still want to.. we went the cinema.. good distraction.

Ok il answer what you said.

The only person i can be open with and the only person that i feel helps me is a woman called Kay. she's a lectuerer at my uni... and over time i have found she has been through alot of the stuff i have. the thing is i found out today they are making her rudundent... so she wont be there after the next few weeks. i cant cope with everything.. and uni.. without here.

i am going to try an talk to her at some point... maybe monday if shes in

Kay is the only reason i am trying to stop Si'ing.. because shes the first person thats belived in me.. and she beleives i can get threw this.. i dont want to let her down. but she isnt going to be around anymore.

i hope that makes things more understanderble

ps sorry about the spelling

[NobodyToYou]

That does make some things clearer..I am glad you have gotten through so far. It sounds like this will probably be upsetting for quite a while, though.
When you talk to Kay, what are you hoping to hear? What would help you right now? What do you hope to feel when you get off the phone with her?
I am asking these because I think it is easier to get what you want if you know what that is...and if there are things you want from her that you can't get, it may be important to know what you need so you can work to get it from somewhere else.
Do you have a T right now? If so, you may want to discuss this with your T...how to get the support you need. But from your comments, I expect you don't have one. Is that right? Is there an option to get one? I know many schools offer free or low cost counseling services for students...I am seeing a counselor through my school and it has been helpful for me. I don't know if that is something you would be interested in or not, but if you are losing support with this lecturer leaving, it may be important to find support somewhere else.

Kay is the only reason i am trying to stop Si'ing.. because shes the first person thats belived in me.. and she beleives i can get threw this.. i dont want to let her down

If I am reading this right, before talking to Kay, you really weren't thinking about quitting. And the reason you are trying to quit is because you don't want her to be disappointed. Is that right? If it is, then it does seem you are losing your reason for stopping. But are there other reasons? Has it changed something in you to have someone believe in you? Because she will still believe in you. And I still believe in you. But you will have to do some believing of your own to be able to stop. And some wanting. Do you want to stop? It isn't an easy process, so I doubt anyone who doesn't actually want to stop could do it. Do you have any reasons you want to stop?

[-Kel-]

Kays the person that makes me calm... she can make me laugh how ever bad i'm feeling. i want her to say she'll still be around.. but i know she cant be. i want her to know how much shes helped too.

I have a councillor... but speakin with Kay helps more.

If I am reading this right, before talking to Kay, you really weren't thinking about quitting. And the reason you are trying to quit is because you don't want her to be disappointed. Is that right? Yes your right in thinking i dont want to dissapoit her.... i think i went to her coz i couldnt cope with how i felt on my own anymore... not neccasirily with the intesion of stoppin SI

its been really nice to have someone believe in me... i just want to show her that everything she said about me i could do... i wanted to make her proud of me.. i dont have any other reason because life is easier with SI.. i wouldnt put my self through the emotional pain for just anyone

so i do want to stop.. but only to proce it to her... i cope better when i cut..