Another Before (still having problems)

[NobodyToYou]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I am trying to quit using SI...finding it hard to cope without it. The extra stress right now is school. I sat through a class and it was horribly difficult...I felt trapped. I couldn't focus. Now I am realizing how much homework is due in the next week or so. It is my fault for procrastinating...I didn't realize how little time was left. So distracted with trying to stop SI that I haven't kept up with any of my classes. And now I have to get a LOT done quickly. And I don't think I can do it...especially when I am feeling the way I have been for the past few days.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

No! I have never gone this long without SI in some form...and never had quite so much homework due so quickly when I was depressed. I used to be able to deal with stuff like this...before I got depressed, I could get a lot done and be stressed out but ok. I can't seem to do it now.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I have been trying my usual things that help me cope. Distractions like watching TV, things to calm me, like hot chocolate and using my grounding rock. And so far I have been able to hold on. But I am not getting the homework done...so what I have been doing is not good enough anymore. I have to do better. And I don't know how.

How do I feel right now?

Scared, overwhelmed, incredibly strong urges...want to hide.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Strong, calm, focused, relief.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I hope I will keep the focused feeling...I hope all other feelings would go away. And I would be able to get homework done. But I have no guarantee of that...I might start depersonalizing more than I am now. I might become very upset with myself and feel SU. Tomorrow...I would be ashamed. I would probably feel that I needed to hide from BUS and the people who have tried to help me.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

If I can get throught he next couple weeks...I will be done with school. How I will handle the stress of quitting and trying to continue living life...I don't know.

Do I need to hurt myself?

No...I don't think so. I don't know that I can ever say yes...but sometimes I think it might be the best option. Not a need...but maybe a should. I don't know.

[fire.bird]

NobodyToYou:

i just replied to your last post, and it's all pretty much exactly what i would say to this one. the only other thing i would say is this:

I would probably feel that I needed to hide from BUS and the people who have tried to help me.

honey, remember something: nobody here is going to be disappointed in you. no one at all. we are all here either because we are a place a lot like the one you're in right now, or because we've been there before. we're not here to be disappointed in you or to judge you. we're here to support you, to tell you to be proud of yourself for trying to quit and for each day you get through, and to understand.


~b

[treesleeper]

I'm sorry you have so much on your shoulders right now. I don't really have much to say in relation to si because I'm struggling myself, but I just wanted to let you know that you have my support and I hope you are able to find the strength to get through the semester. You are so close to finishing, remember that. If you can just get through the classes you have left you will be that much closer to the career you have been working towards. You'll be helping so many people. I don't know if those thoughts will help you, but I am cheering for you and I know you will do well. Take care.