have you taken care of your physical wounds? Yes
what had happened just before? I had an evaluation-talk with the commission that is currently assessing if they're going to allow me to medical school. It was very confronting. Insulting as well. They seem to have totally missed the point about my character. The professor was telling me that I am unable to sense other people's emotions and that I'm also unable to show compassion. He said my final mark was an average, but that he thought I wouldn't last long as a doctor. That I wouldn't be good to my patients.
what were you thinking and feeling? I felt really hurt by what he said. I got both angry and sad.
Self-hate thoughts running through my head again (I'm worthless, etc)
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it? The final straw was when he said I wouldn't be good anyway, even if I tried to practise to change it or get better at handling patients. On top of that, I wanted to hand in my traineeship report, and my supervisor had said she was available all day. So I come to drop off my report... supervisor gone... she had a work meeting and I had to wait for 2 hours... when I had better things to do, like learning for my philosophy exam (tomorrow).
I ended up hurting myself because my coping methods did not work (I tried other things first)
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw. I could have tried explaining the professorhead that all the time when he was observing me for social skills, I had dissociation problems. That would probably explain why I "didn't interact with others". But that would mean explaining how I got those problems. I'm too much of a coward to do that.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? not really... maybe a slight lack of sleep and tons of stress.. but apart from that, no
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? I tried snapping my wristband, but that actually triggered me more. then I tried calling a friend. Voicemail x 3. So I read one of the letters (have asked friends to write a letter for when I'm feeling bad and triggered). That helped a little. But not enough apparently.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? Talking to a friend. that usually calms me down. but they were busy with their own things, couldn't reach them.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. Write them on my coping card
remember to put my coping card in my pocket instead of leaving it at home.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? It's not resolved. I don't know how to solve it either.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? very likely... I think there might be more evaluation thingies next year, if I go on with medicine. So no need to recognize, I'll know in advance when I will feel bad again.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. Try to reach one of my friends again.
Read one of the letters again.
Maybe get a pillow, pretend its the professors' head and throw it against the wall *evil grin*
