Didn't make it...so "after"

[namaste]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes but still bleeding.


what had happened just before?
Been building up all day with a huge sense of inevitability about it. Just got ready to go to bed then foudn I coudln't walk through the door. So stood with my head on the door post for a while. Then it was as if I was in a dream. Got out my first aid stuff to sort through, then got ****** and held it against my skin. Didn't huirt so pressed harder. i didn't intend to cut at first but it didn't help so I did and on and on and on. Badly for me.


what were you thinking and feeling?
Need to hurt, need to see blood, need to get this over with then i can get back to my normal life.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
No event whcih was the final straw. This has been buiding up for ages. I've had it in my had all day, wanting to, almost to the distraction fo everything else. Hard to teach when your head is si-ing for you. I jsut want to get my head space back.


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I don't know really . Lots of factors, some i've detiled in the other post. Mainly feeling worthless and stupid and bubbleish again. Everything seems a step removed at the moment.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
No. although I am tired with school and universtiy work as well.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I've played the waiting game, I've read a book, I've distracted myelf, i've kept busy, I've stayed late at work and got there early in teh morning, I've tried to sleep. They all work well for a while but it always creeps up on me to the end result. i don't knwo how to get past this.


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
This soudns really negative but I'm really not sure. i think talking to someone irl might have helped a lot but I don't have anyone. I don't feel I can tell anyone - that's why i come here - and it's too much for htem to handle or by telling them I am jsut attention seeking.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I need to try to find an irl buddy but I feel my friendships are precarious enough without an extra stress. I'll have to think about that one.
I'll try the red pen on my arm.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
No, it's not resolved but I do feel much calmer and more able to be rational and to thinkn things through. My brain has got some space in it again and I have some energy that I was spedning on trying not ot si to think about why it all built up oin the first place.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yes, this is a recurring pattern, although it is usually months between episodes it's been very quick this time. I know when it's building up.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

1) The half hour game
2) Red pen
3) Try to find someone to phone or talk to irl.

Jane

[eunomia]

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
No event whcih was the final straw. This has been buiding up for ages. I've had it in my had all day, wanting to, almost to the distraction fo everything else. Hard to teach when your head is si-ing for you. I jsut want to get my head space back.

is there anything you can do at an earlier stage to try to stop it reaching this breaking point.
i can appreciate that it's hard to teach when this is going on - that must be tough. some of us can have slack days and not do much when things are bad - that's not really a choice you have.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I don't know really . Lots of factors, some i've detiled in the other post. Mainly feeling worthless and stupid and bubbleish again. Everything seems a step removed at the moment.

is there anything you can do to tackle feelings of worthlessness? all the other ways of coping that you listed are distractions rather than ways to be nice to yourself or care for yourself. is there anything you could do more along those lines - treat yourself somehow, even if at the time part of you says you don't deserve it? just a thought....

[plantt]

is finding a counselor or therapist or something a workable option? even just for a short while to maybe work out what's going on urge-wise? you mention not having anyone irl to tell about this... & i know for me personally that's one reason my therapist can come in handy. he knows a lot about me that others irl don't. i think especially for those of us with a limited or rather nonexistent supply of people in our everyday lives it can be really useful to have a therapist.

what's one thing you could work on doing that might get more people into your life? even in a 'friend' way.

[namaste]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate them.

I'm not sure that I want to go back to see my Therapist. She tends not to let me go jsut for one or two sessions but makes me go for longer nad I can't afford it (I have to pay) and I don't want to get into the long term saga again. I don't know if there is anyone else. I've thought about talking to my doctor but I'm not sure. i've been wondering about talking to someone at school. it feels like I am leading a double life - the professional me, capableand hard working, adn the other me who struggles with all this crap.

I'll have to think about it.

It's a good idea to try to find ways to be nice to myslef. I'm back on a strict diet again so I think that's been a contributing factor. Usually I woudl reach for hte choclate but didn't let myself this time and ended up si-ing instead. Whatever I do, I lose. I'll try to think of ways to treat myself. Ithink I saw a post about it on the board soemwhere.

As for geting ore people into my life I find social contact REALLY hard. I get very stressed. I think another factor is that I make friends then we are out of contact for a while and I convice myself that they are cross with me or don't like me any more nad can't bring myself ot get in contact. Or, I make a friend then they ignore my texts or calls. I don't understand what I am doign wrong. Why don't they like me?

Have to go out tonight to a work function

Jane