lying to myself .... an after (blew 11 days :) )

[truce]

why oh why?

ive been reading before and afters for a while now. i cant do the questions right now. but i need to and i want to. i cut my left arm pretty badly. by putting a post here i am forcing myself for an after to analyze why i cut. so though it says nothing at the moment, i will answer the questions within the next 12 hours.

noel

[eunomia]

i read, noel. have you at least taken care of the wound?
11 days is a cool achievement.

[truce]

thanks eu. yes i did disinfect and bandage, but i cant go into the real why right now. but the physical stuff is taken care of. ty.



noel

[plantt]

*waits for more information*
congrats on 11 days

[truce]

i just realised that i put a smiley face in the topic title. mmmmmm. thanks for waiting plantt.

anyway .....

have you taken care of your physicle wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yup, i have. i think that taking care of the wounds, putting on clean bandages is all very much part of my si. the nurturing aspect. i have been neglecting myself of late, not eating correctly and eating too much of the stuff that i shouldnt be eating, not bathing so i think that i really need to look at how i am looking after myself physically.

what had happened just before?
its been building up for a few days now, that ive had si dreams, been urging quite a bit and have wanted to si for the last 3 days. there is nothing really negative that i can pinpoint besides stressing over upcoming stuff that i have no control over. which i have given over to God but i cant seem to just allow him to look after it and i am still trying to do everything on my own.

what were you thinking and feeling?
was i even thinking? i was feeling pretty lonely last night. sat outside with johann watching the flames on a fire that we made. he looked very sad and upset and i know its bc things arent going well financially with him and on some degree its my fault as i am kind of leeching off of him. so i felt guilty. yet i know that i shouldnt, this is how he is. he has always had someone live with him bc he cant do lots of things for himself and in return for me kind of being like his butler or whatever you would call it he kind of supports me.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i dont think that there was a final straw. it was just a culmination of loneliness, having a few bad days, guilt, worry that just kind of pushed me over the edge. ive been trying to keep in peoples company, keep myself busy with work and stuff. feeling bad i went out last night to the local pub. i went to the far pool table and played pool on my own and had a beer. landed up then playing 3 games with another guy. even though i tried to get into some company to keep myself safe i landed up feeling even more lonely. i came home. and then my ex was drunk last night and kept texting me over and over that she loves me and wants me back. NOT. no way thats happening. i suppose that that also led up to me feeling worse bc it just brought back more feelings than i could deal with at the time.

how could i have made a different decision? mmmmm, well i know that i dont actually remember coming home and must have dissasociated bc the last thing i remember was shaking the guys hand who i was playing pool with and then the next thing was me wrapping the second bandage around my arm. i did try getting into company, removing myself from the situation in an attempt to keep safe.

were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i have stopped my meds. but have been off my meds for a month already and dont believe that i had any withdrawal symptoms and i dont feel that my meds are a contributing factor. lack of sleep, yes is always a problem for me, but my pdoc refuses me any sleep meds. i dont have a regular sleep pattern and when i do sleep then its not usually sufficient or of good quality. i still battle with dreams sometimes too. alcohol. maybe, i did have a few beers but i dont think that that was much of a problem.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
tried going out. tried being in company. that wasnt sooo succesful. didnt really try much else. i didnt feel the beginning of the dissasociation as i normally do so i couldnt do any grounding things and me not being there, well i couldnt really try anything.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have tried writing on myself again. i dont think that anything would have really helped and i had to go through with the si. with the dissasociation i wasnt really in control so i couldnt really try anything else. i threw my blades away but came upon a new one that i had forgotten about and used that, so making my blades less accessable does help. i need to get rid of all or any tools that i do have to make it harder to si when i am not in control anymore.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i need to put my koki in plain view which would be easier to see and remind myself of that option. i also definitely need to throw my blade that i still have away. please dont ask why i havent done it yet?

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
the situation isnt resolved. i have to just wait it out. there is nothing that i can really do to relieve the stress besides i suppose doing relaxation techniques, meditation and just living what i "believe" that it will all be taken care of what will happen will happen. that nothing will come my way that i am not strong enough to handle. cutting did help. even though i feel a bit guilty, or at least did until i bathed this morning and cleaned my wounds properly. the only reason that i felt guilty is that i see renchia on monday and she will see my arms and i know how my si disturbs her. but that has changed a tad bc i have realised it was something that i needed to do for myself and even though it disturbs others, those are their feelings that they need to deal with. also i was sure that i was strong enough to make 2 weeks and more, yet i lied to myself bc i am not strong enough to say no and to stay safe.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
its a situation that i find myself in regularly. tired, lonely, guilty, feeling not in control. and i suppose something that i have to work through with my t. i dont really know what else to add to this.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
what will i try in future? i dont really know. i need to really watch the disassociation. i will obviously try my koki pen again, though that doesnt always work. i just need to keep focus on myself, to nurture myself and make me feel like i am worthwhile. i know that those are more long term coping things but i feel that if i can get those right then i will be stronger and able to carry on.

noel

[pretty]

Hey Noel. 11 days is a step in the rigt direction. Next time you can make three more and call it a fortnight

It sounds to me like the imediate thing is to get rid of that tool. It sounds as though you reached for it without even being concious of what you were doing, so if it wasn't there you wouldn't have been able to si. That's a hard thing to do though, and I can undrstand if you don't feel ready.

You're doing a good job of dealing with things, and talking to your t sounds like a good idea. Hang in there, keep fighting, you'll get there

[truce]

thanks pretty

i thought i had thrown them all away but found one i had hidden inbetween some framed pictures when i was moving my room around. but thanks for your reply and for reading.

noel

[Priceless]

Ive read, and congratulations on the 11 days, im really proud of you.
I was thinking maybe you wanna take too much time free moore than you can handle, maybe you should set youre goals down to something you can handle, take it a day at the time, and if that is too much then an hour, 5 min, 1 min, and when you get throu that, take another 5 min, and so on, just something ive learned throu friends that go to aa.
love
kira

[truce]

hi kira,

nice to see that you are back. i dont do the 5 minute thing. it makes me more anxious and even more urgey bc then i find i think of it more and land up si'ing even worse. but ty for your input.

though i did throw the blade away and am feeling much better at the moment.

noel

[Priceless]

YaY for throwing blades away, im so proud of you
love kira