What this forum is for

[sine nomine]

This is an experiment in helping people dealing their urges to self-harm and deal with their feelings after a slip.

Each thread in this forum will be one person's exploration of either their current urges and how they're trying to cope, or of a recent slip and how they are going to deal with it. I'm going to post a series of questions you can use as a guide for starting a thread. In each thread, the other people in the forum can give feedback and offer suggestions.

Rules for posting:
No off-topic posts are allowed. Don't start a thread unless you're willing to do the work involved in really looking at what's going on. No graphic descriptions of what you've done to yourself are allowed; we are focusing on choices and feelings here.

Rules for replying to a thread:
No blaming or invalidation. Try not to give direct advice; ask questions and help the other person understand more of what they're talking about. Talk about what's helped you or worked for you in the past. Respect the struggles of others. Don't engage in topic drift or go wandering off topic.

To get posting access, click on usergroups above and join the before and after group. If you violate the rules of the forum, you may lose posting access until the forum moderators are convinced you understand why your posting access was taken away and that you will not repeat the mistakes.

This forum can be read by all but can only be posted in by people who are in the before and after usergroup.

deb

[sine nomine]

in response to a question:

it isn't one thread per person, like place. it's more like one thread per incident -- per urge or slip.

you post about your urge or your slip, and people post in response, asking more questions or offering suggestions/insights. the questions are just to help you get started posting about it.

the purpose of the forum is to explore the feelings behind the urges and slips and to troubleshoot them --- figure out how to deal with them better. it's not really for posts where you just want reassurance after a slip or support fighting an urge (which are valid things to want) . it's for wanting to do work on what's behind the urges and slips, to get help and support dealing with a specific incident. so each thread is an incident.

deb

[pretty]

It's really important to realise that replies can be quite slow over here. Although it's alright to post in the midst of a crisis, that's not what this board is set up for, and you may not get what you need. You should use this board to post about an urge before it gets to that crisis point. If you need a fast reply, rather than wanting to explore feelings etc, you are far more likely to get that by posting on the main board. If you want to explore what's behind the urge as a way of beating it, it's a good idea to make sure you have some lengthy distractions or some coping techniques in place so you can handle the wait for replies. It's more than ok to post on here to explore the urge, and post on main as well to get the more imidiate support you need. It can be really helpful mid-crisis to step back by answering the questions, and think things through. It's important to have other coping skills in place though, as you may not get a reply here straight away.

Rules for replying to a thread:
No blaming or invalidation. Try not to give direct advice; ask questions and help the other person understand more of what they're talking about. Talk about what's helped you or worked for you in the past. Respect the struggles of others. Don't engage in topic drift or go wandering off topic.

In depth replies are great, and that's the idea with this forum, but sometimes an "I read and I can relate" type of reply is also useful. It's really important that people get the chance to work through urges and slips over here, but if that's all you can offer in a reply that's ok.

[Wandering]

In depth replies are great, and that's the idea with this forum, but sometimes an "I read and I can relate" type of reply is also useful. It's really important that people get the chance to work through urges and slips over here, but if that's all you can offer in a reply that's ok.

But is it fair to say that if someone's already done a 'I read and can relate' type post, theres not a great deal of point doing another? Its just, I was under the impression that this forum was very much for thinking about and working out feelings/problems, rather than just getting sympathy, while if you want hugs/etc then better just post on main? Not that I don't think you should sympathise with/encourage people who post on here with your own examples/hugs etc, but I sometimes get a little frustrated if all of the responses to a post on here don't offer any thoughts/suggestions/etc.

Sure, if someone has no replies at all, its probably best to do a 'I read and relate' post than write nothing at all, but is it fair to say they should be limited in quality somewhat?

Just my opinion, Andi xx

[pretty]

Sure, if someone has no replies at all, its probably best to do a 'I read and relate' post than write nothing at all, but is it fair to say they should be limited in quality somewhat?

That's exactly it. It's concerning that sometimes a post doesn't get a reply for a long time, though it's understandable why and is no one's fault, but we just wanted to make it clear that that kind of response is ok sometimes.

[plantt]

I sometimes get a little frustrated if all of the responses to a post on here don't offer any thoughts/suggestions/etc.

i feel the same way when i post on main or in place or wherever... often it is much more helpful(for me anyhow) when i get thoughts/suggestions/this is my experience, how it relates to yours, a push to keep going... rather than 'yeah i read... '
i've yet to see a post in this forum get a lot of replies at all... & definitely have not seen a post that got only hugs & no feedback.

& i'd agree... that this forum is set up more for feedback rather than hugs...

the problem seems to be that at times there are simply no replies of any type. like this week when posts remained reply-less for days. personally i just wasn't in a place where i felt up to replying. yet i also felt badly for not replying especially since no one else was replying either.

i think in very small quantities 'yeah i read' or such... replies could be more helpful than just no replies at all. if it were me i'd feel really bad if i posted something & didn't get a reply for a week.

if it gets to be a problem... that there are bunches of 'yeah i read' replies & no feedback... then we can work towards changing that...

& it'd always be an option for you to specify 'feedback only please' or something if it'd bother you to get a 'yeah i read' type reply

[Wandering]

personally i just wasn't in a place where i felt up to replying. yet i also felt badly for not replying especially since no one else was replying either.

I think this is a lot of the problem with this forum. It doesn't get that much traffic anyway - there's probably only about 5 people who regularly respond to posts, and if you're feeling rough yourself its not really the best/easiest place to be. Or thats how I find it anyway. Yet at the same time its discouraging to post and not get a reply for 2/3 days.

Is there some way that we can encourage more people in? Just, the more people that respond to posts, the more likely it is that people will get a reply a bit quicker.

Andi x

[mallie]

Is there some way that we can encourage more people in? Just, the more people that respond to posts, the more likely it is that people will get a reply a bit quicker.

Good idea

Can you think of any ways this could be done well ?

[Tiarin]

i was thinking about the reasons why sometimes i've found it challenging to reply here, and these are some of the things it's been good for me to remember:

— the posts here are often long and involve a number of problems. don't feel like you have to answer everything. if you have one short thought about one bit of their post, that's great.

— ask the person questions, especially if you don't understand something that they've said. i know a lot of times other people's questions have been very useful in getting me to think about stuff that i might not otherwise have considered.

— i know that i often find myself censoring what i have to say because i worry about it coming across wrong or just sounding ridiculous. but on this board, people are posting because they want to hear other points of view and really think about things. be respectful, of course, but don't be too scared to share your thoughts and ideas.

dragonfly

[Wandering]

Can you think of any ways this could be done well ?

Nope!!! Can you? I guess just keep mentioning it on the other boards - we're sure to arouse people's interest after a bit!

[mallie]

returning my question... how cheeky

I must admit, I don't have any particularly wonderous ideas, just keeping mentioning this board on other boards.

Perhaps if you (generic you) notice anyone posting on the board, who doesn't come in here, but their replies are 'the right stuff' for this board, mention it to a B&A mod, or suggest that they could come by here? There can be people who write such constructive replies that would be perfect here, and a suggestion of coming might be just what they need to feel welcome over here. [that didn't sound nearly so weird in my head ]

[Wandering]

lol that reminded me - someone suggested to me earlier that I should go and try posting in the Before and After forum

Yeah - its a good point though - some people have a knack for posting in the right kinda way. I wonder if some people get put off by the fact that they have to apply to be given posting priveleges? Not saying that should be removed, just that before I joined I sort of thought, well they wouldn't want me, I'm not clever enough to be trusted to write good replys. Now I know its not really done on that, but it did scare me off for a while. Maybe be could mention that you don't have to be qualified as a psychiatrist or anything to be given posting priveleges?

[mallie]

Maybe be could mention that you don't have to be qualified as a psychiatrist or anything to be given posting priveleges?

Good idea

[truce]

sometimes i find that reading and replying here helps me more than writing out all the questions. maybe sometimes all the questions are a bit daunting to bussers and we could make like a short version? and ppl can also realise that to post here you dont have to answer all the question, just as much as you can and need to?

i dunno, just a thought, use it, dont use it

[pretty]

ppl can also realise that to post here you dont have to answer all the question, just as much as you can and need to?

Yep, that's true. You don't need to answer all the questions if you don't feel you can. If you can though, I think answering them all can be really helpful, cos it forces you to think about things. I know I tend to try to avoid thinking about some things, but if I feel like I need to answer the question it sort of forces me into thinking about things I need to to move forward. Whatever works though, and whatever you think will be helpful to you is fine

[truce]

hi pretty,

yeah, i hear you, it is good to try to answer all the questions bc it really does force you to consider all your options before hurting yourself. and the questions are really good ones, i keep them printed out and with me in my wallet and even though i dont post here personally a lot, just keeping the questions wrapped around my tool and making myself look at them before i si has kept me safe more times than i care to remember.

anyways, maybe that is another keep yourself safe option, put kara's questions next to your tool and make yourself answer them before you si? i dunno what do you think?

noel

[pretty]

It's a really good idea. Anything that forces you to actually make the choice, and to make a concious and definite choice, before si'ing is great, cos then you have a chance to make a choice not to si.

[marylou]

That's a great idea, I'm going to do it!
Thanks.

[marylou]

Also in reply to why I don't reply much (confusing...), I guess I am scared. Like I want to help others etc, but I come on here and start to read a thread and I just feel myself slipping into a dangerous place.
I know I've not feel condemned by this, my safety is the most important thing, I NEED to be in a safe place.
But that's why.