I don't know if I have the energy to type it all again, but I really need something to get better...comments are very welcome. I have already cut several times today, but I am still very urgy and getting more anxious as I typed the After that my computer destroyed. I don't really know what is bringing this stuff out in me, but I need to find another way to handle it.
And now...my After.
have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
didn't need anything
what had happened just before?
The first one today was at lunchtime. I have just gotten back to school and I am doing a week of special training. I am back with my classmates/friends...that should have been good. But I still felt so low. I didn't want to be there. I didn't have anything to talk about...I was just there, wishing I could disappear. I felt lonely, sort of...Or disconnected. Yeah, that is a better word. Cause I know any of them would have been happy to talk to me. But I couldn't connect...even when I was talking to them, the "real" me wasn't coming through at all. The others after that (had several more episodes today) happened whenever the "fix" from the cutting started wearing off. Whenever I started feeling worse again. Except now...cause I am feeling worse again.
what were you thinking and feeling?
I kinda answered that above...I felt disconnected, fake, sad (sort of...not quite the right word). I was thinking how pointless everything is, how empty life seems. Just one thing after another, with nothing that really matters...empty. I am empty too...nothing left to give or enjoy or draw on. Only the outside, pretending that everything is fine, going on. Like a tree that looks strong, but is rotted out inside. That is me.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I don't know exactly. I went outside to try to avoid cutting. I didn't think I would where someone could see me, but I had my tool with me. And suddenly I went from "trying not to cut" to "cutting now." I don't remember any thoughts in between. I don't remember changing my direction. I just remember that suddenly my tool was in my hand and I was cutting.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
don't know...
Maybe just tried harder, but I don't know if it would have mattered.were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
no, other than a lot of change recently. And that is unavoidable.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Just tried to get to a calm place away from people. I kinda felt if I wasn't surrounded by people I wouldn't feel quite so lonely. I don't know if it helped or made things worse, since I ended up cutting.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I don't know. There were so many people around and I didn't know what to do...But ideas would be helpful because I have training for three more days, so the situation will probably be repeated.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I don't know...just try harder?
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
no, not resolved. Still in the middle of it. Feeling empty, pointless. Especially since I am alone at home with nothing that I have to do (lots I should, nothing I have to) and nothing seems worthwhile. And tomorrow I have to go back and try to make the situation end differently, but I don't know how.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Still there...probably going to be there again tomorrow...feeling distressed.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Right now I will try...posting this.
Playing a computer game.
making hot chocolate...or holding a stuffed animal, cause I would have to wash my mugs before I could make hot chocolate and I just don't have the energy now.
For tomorrow, I have no idea what to do. Part of me thinks I could leave my tool at home and that would keep me safe, but I know I would probably feel more desperate and find some other way to hurt myself...something less safe. Not good.
