Before

[Arkady]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? A number of factors. An extended period of stress in which I haven't SIed, leading to feelings of being in a pressure-cooker. I feel as though I need a release, a safety-valve. Also I haven't cut in near enough 2 months, and I think a part of me misses it.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? Usually gave into the urges; it provided a temporary relief and meant it didn't feel as though stress was building up uncontrollably.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? Tried to distract myself as much as possible. Came back to BUS before I'd actually started cutting again, in the hopes I can stave it off with enough support. Discussed worries with my boyfriend so I'm not shouldering the burden alone. Tried to distract myself with hobbies.

How do I feel right now? Restless yet exhausted. Urgey. Still upset over the scan yesterday; being restrained during the scan has left me with horrible feelings of lack of control, and I haven't been able to sleep because of flashbacks. Also scared because I don't have any more tranquilizers to calm me down if a panic attack starts. Want to cut very badly at this point and can almost feel what it will be like.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself? A great sense of relief; relaxation, calm. Focus on the reassuringly familiar physical feelings. Urges will go away.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? Guilty and ashamed that I'll have to reset my counter to zero- which means everyone will know I've slipped. Worst of all will be facing my boyfriend; he's ben so proud of me that despite everything that's happened the past couple of months I haven't given in and cut.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I don't think I can; the scan may be out of the way, but now I have further stress about the upcoming surgery which is made worse by my medical phobias. I know that it will only make matters worse if I have to go for surgery with fresh marks on my arms and it will be hard explaining if I have to have further blood tests, but until the surgery is out of the way that particular source of stress is not going to let up. And all of the other background stressors (such as financial worries etc) will still be there.

Do I need to hurt myself? I keep telling myself no, but that doesn't make the urges go away. I just feel I have to do something to relieve the pressure, because sooner or later something has to give. I've been under constant stress for over 4 months now, with no let-up, and I need something to relieve that pressure even if only for a little while.

[herebedragons]

It sounds like a large part of the problem is exhaustion, were you able to get any sleep after this? Sleep deprivation is a really hard thing to deal with, it makes everything else harder.

[Arkady]

Eventually. I think it was gone 9am by the time I finally fell asleep. The urge was still there when I woke up, but not quite so bad; it's still there though - kind of hovering in the back of my mind. I know that by tonight it'll be back just as bad.

Problem is sooner or later I run out of things to distract myself with, whilst still being unable to sleep - and that's the dangerous point.

[NobodyToYou]

Lack of sleep really gets to me as well...is there anything that might help calm you when you can't sleep? This sounds bizarre, but it worked today...my sister just got a glitter lava lamp (hope you can picture it) and it is so pretty to watch the patterns it makes on the walls. It looks like water, and it helped me calm down and get to sleep. I haven't tried it yet when I was really urgy so I don't know if it will help...but it did help me relax. Do you have anything like that? Something calming that you could focus attention on when you need to relax and sleep? Even a pretty screensaver could work...I don't know...
I hope your are able to get some good rest and that the urges get less intense.

[Arkady]

I don't have anything like that, and I don't have the spare cash to afford one either (I'm on benefits). I don't think it would work though, as a previous boyfriend had something like that and watching it just gave me a headache.

Screensavers don't work either, as I find the light levels are too variable.

Basically I'm a nocturnal person; the only time my sleep pattern is anything like normal is when I sleep in the spare room at my boyfriend's place - but it's not practical for me to sleep over all the time.

[Hazel W]

Have you tried anything to help you to sleep? Relaxation exercises or tapes, meditation, essential oils such as lavender or chamomile, or drinking herbal teas? Or even one of the remedies available for sleep, provided it doesn't interfere with any medications you may be on? It really sounds like lack of sleep is a big issue for you, and it makes your urges worse. Plus it's always so much harder to try to cope with *anything* when you're exhausted.

Take care.

[Arkady]

Believe me, you name it I've tried it. I've been suffering from insomnia for over ten years now, and I've tried all the home remedies. Warm milky drinks, relaxing baths, alcohol, no caffeine after 6pm, the works. I don't have space in my flat for relaxation exercises, and they've never worked for me anyway - if anything they make me more alert! Herbal stuff doesn't work, and my mind just won't stop racing enough for me to be able to meditate.

My GP won't prescibe anything to help me sleep because he's afraid of interactions with my medications; and my psychiatrist says he can't prescribe anything because that's my GP's job.

This in itself wouldn't ordinarily matter; it's not the lack of sleep and the irregular sleeping patterns that are causing the urges. It's the sheer relentless onslaught of stuff that's doing that; the lack of sleep simply means that night time is when I'm most vulnerable - seratonin levels are at their lowest between 1am and 4am, which is when my mood hits rock-bottom. I do my best to try and keep thinking positively and distract myself; but inevitably it gets to that point when there's no-one online to talk to, and I sit there clicking refresh on LJ and all the other boards I read such as BUS, Den Of Angels (doll board) etc. I can't play music because it will disturb my neighbours.

Last time it got really bad I made a stop-motion animation film with my dolls; but I was totally exhausted the following day, and it took a level of concentration that I don't think I could keep up right now. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on stuff as my mind keeps "jumping tracks".

[Hazel W]

*nods*

Can relate to that, my own sleep is pretty poor, and with two chronic conditions that have tiredness as a major symptom, well it can make getting through the day interesting. I do find certain combinations of herbs are helpful, but it took me a while to get it right. And it has to be certain brands, as there are some on the market that are so weak you may as well be taking water.And I find aromatherapy very useful, but it's something I'm very familiar with, so would be aware of different combinations/therapeutic properties.

How about earphones if you want to listen to music without disturbing the neighbours? Oh, and seeing as I also keep late hours, pm me if you want my msn, if you ever want to talk.

[Arkady]

I'm having problems finding a set of earphones that are really comfortable. I've got two sets but I find that after an hour or so they make my ears ache; I can't afford any of the really nice (read: comfortable) ones on the market though.

As far as herbal remedies go, I don't buy branded ones - I have a couple of friends who are clinically trained herbal medicine practitioners and I've been using herbal medicines myself for 20 years, so I use either fresh or dried herbs (either gathered myself or purchased from a trusted supplier) and make tisanes or decoctions as needed. I just seem to be very resistant to anything even vaguely soporific; FWIW I tend to find various conventional tranquilizers don't work on me too well either.

I know a lot of the sleeplessness is down to current stresses and worries; when things start easing up a little, I'll find it easier to sleep. I just have to keep on top of stuff for a few more weeks until I can get away to Wales for a holiday with my kids and my ex-husband (and not having seen them since Christmas has been one of my sources of stress).

Thanks for the offer to chat though - if I'm still awake in 3-4 hours' time, I may yet take you up on it!

[Hazel W]

Tisanes or decoctions are about as good as you can get, didn't want to start talking about loose herbs in case it would put you off. Sounds like you have covered it pretty well though.

I hope those stresses ease up for you soon.