Before

[Stellaria]

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will be distracted from my feelings and memories.

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring something else to focus on, something tangible and immediate. I will need to focus on my physical safety. I will have a reason for feeling angry, sad, guilty and confused. It will bring some drama.
It will take away some of the tension of trying to act responsibly. It will take away some self respect.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to be able to live with the fact that I have a history, to have feelings without getting lost in them or being ruled by them. To not need to numb myself in order to cope.
I know that hurting myself isn't likely to help towards this. It's hard to see things long-term though.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Might be enough to distract me for a few days. Then I would have to make this same decision all over again.

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I can act normal although I don't feel normal. Continue to read my book. Watch tv. Have some tea. Go to bed. Get up on time tomorrow morning. Go do stuff I'm supposed to do.
Don't think that is going to change things much, but on the other hand it's not going to make anything worse.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'm not sure about either situation.

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
What I really want is to escape. But what I'm going to do is to hang in there, do normal things until I can sleep. Look again at things tomorrow.

[Chimera]

Hi Nina,

I'm sorry that you're feeling badly.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Might be enough to distract me for a few days. Then I would have to make this same decision all over again.

This is true. Once you open the door to self-injury, it can be awfully hard to get it back out of your life and close the door on it again. And you said that it "might" work for a few days. But what if it doesn't? What if you do it and it doesn't help at all? What if you do it and immediately feel worse than you do now?

What I really want is to escape.

Hurting yourself isn't the only way to escape. Would it be possible for you to go to bed now, instead of waiting? Sometimes sleep can be a safe way of riding out these feelings. Could you do something nice for yourself and "escape" that way for awhile? Maybe take a bath or shower by candlelight?
I take a lot of showers and baths when I'm triggered, and it usually helps a lot. Just remember to take your razor out of the room before you go in. If you close the door and stay in there for awhile, that's a kind of escape.

I'm sorry that you're struggling. I hope it passes soon. Take care, okay?

Jessica

[Stellaria]

Hey Jessica,

And you said that it "might" work for a few days. But what if it doesn't? What if you do it and it doesn't help at all? What if you do it and immediately feel worse than you do now?

That's weird - I don't feel afraid of it making me feel worse. It would be a different kind of bad, which seems good enough to my more emotional side.

But on a more intellectual level, I don't want to do it. It would cause problems. I would probably feel more unsafe afterwards. I don't trust myself to be self-restrained if I let myself do it, and I would feel outright stupid in case I would have to trot off to the ER again. I'm not crazy about counting days but I find I would still like to make 3 months, just to prove to myself I can do it. And I would have to explain to b/f and T - I think that is what holds me back the most atm.

Hurting yourself isn't the only way to escape. Would it be possible for you to go to bed now, instead of waiting? Sometimes sleep can be a safe way of riding out these feelings.

Yes, that would probably be the best. It's midnight here anyway, and I can probably sleep if only I make myself go to bed. So that's what I will do right now.

Thank you so much for responding.

Nina

[plantt]

I want to be able to live with the fact that I have a history, to have feelings without getting lost in them or being ruled by them. To not need to numb myself in order to cope.
I know that hurting myself isn't likely to help towards this. It's hard to see things long-term though.
--seems that even short-term it'd keep you further from that goal. it'd be an instant escape... rather than a 'living with the fact/having feelings/coping'

But what I'm going to do is to hang in there, do normal things until I can sleep. Look again at things tomorrow.
--sounds like a plan
sorry things are so yuck atm... hope it looks a bit better tomorrow

[Stellaria]

--seems that even short-term it'd keep you further from that goal. it'd be an instant escape... rather than a 'living with the fact/having feelings/coping'

You are right. Good call.

Hmm... I guess allowing myself to experience feelings is one of those things that can't be done "in theory only" i.e. thinking that it's ok to have feelings but escaping as soon as it gets hard to do. Kind of like you don't learn to ride a bike by only looking at pics of bikes.

Sleep helped some. Still feeling yucky but not on the edge. I am glad this morning that I didn't hurt myself last night, I would have had to deal with consequences today instead of just going about my normal life, which is what I intend to do right now.