a first time before

[frances]

Ok, this is my first time writing something here, i feel I'm using it as i would SI, as a tmeporary distraction from being me, if there were many of these questions, and I could answer them until someone invites me to do something, then I should be ok, but everyone's busy, I'm not. THe ultimate solution would be removing myself from this situation.


how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel... relieved. Not so useless

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring clarity, it will take away an immediate urge to go out, see people becasue i won't be able to. Ultimately, it'll make me feel worse about myself because i'll feel socially unacceptable and will therefore spend another ngiht sitting on my own

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In the long run, with how i'm injuring at the moment, i doubt it will make much difference. I'pm not trying to quite SI, i haven' t hurt myself seriously in 3 months, but i have had one incident. So this is unlikely to affect any long term goals, unless i look far into the future at when I will quit

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will last, I don't know, probably an hour. then I will most likely be miserable

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could talk to someone, so that I feel less alone, except that everyone is busy right now so i'd feel selfish.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel sore, i will feel slightly annoyed. In all honesty, I probably won't feel anything unless I have another abd day and then the fact that I have done it today will make me more likely to hurt myself again tomorrow. If I do the other thing, the relief is equally temporary, because tomorrow I will still wake up alone and have to deal with trying to see people, getting my life in order.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to be sociable, but with the lack of people to be sociable with, I may as well have fun by myself. Ok, so it's not exactly fun, but it will keep me distracted for an hour or so.

Ok, it will be a temporary fix, but so would anything else. And this is a tmeporary fix I can get by myself without anyone else. Then I can pu tmy smiley face abck on, realise I'm in eactly the same situatino ui was in before I SI-d and get on with it. It's just i don't know what 'it' is.

[demidivine]

hey love. i hope you're hanging on.

I could talk to someone, so that I feel less alone, except that everyone is busy right now so i'd feel selfish.

i'm pretty sure that there are friends around you that are feeling exactly the same way. when i'm sitting alone, thinking no one would be pleased to see me and they all have better things to do, and i go round anyway, they're incredibly relieved and have been thinking exactly the same things. try telling yourself it's your self-esteem distorting reality? and that other people are likely to be lonely and in need of a chat - and people always have time for a half an hour or an hour cup of tea session.

the fact that I have done it today will make me more likely to hurt myself again tomorrow.

this is a very practical part of you stating an entirely sensible and true thing. it's a temporary and worsening cycle, and from the sounds of it, you've been doing very well lately. i'm similarly not trying to stop, but doing it less minimises so many of the other problems that come with cutting and also means i'm forced to build up alternative ways to cope - like having the courage to be with friends.

i suppose ultimately, it's an uncomfortable temporary fix, so to speak. and its long-term effects - and the fact that its immensely short-term relief and, like you've said, contributes to a spiral - can be contrasted with the positive effects of sitting with friends. yes, i know, the mask has to go on to a certain extent while you're with them - i know i put it up as soon as i step outside. but in the long term, you'll build up confidence and trust with people around you, and wear down the barriers of self-confidence surrounding the problem of being with other people.

i'm sorry, i'm not being very coherent tonight, i'm not in a good state myself. i fully sympathise, though, and i'm thinking of you. i hope you make it through tonight, and the day tomorrow is a lot better for you. take care of yourself as much as you possibly can.