before

[cb_47]

1) how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? It won't. All the mail we sent her this week won't magically appear in her barracks, and it will still be my fault.

2) what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? It will bring a kind of perverse satisfaction--I screwed up, I deserve to be punished. It will take away the 8 weeks I've got going, and the excitement I've been building up about Friday being 2 months.

3) how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I want to not feel guilty for messing up my friend's address when I know how badly she wanted mail. Doing something I don't want to do (SI) will only increase the guilt.

4) if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? The relief would probably last until I heard she'd gotten mail... and then I would kick myself--why couldn't I have waited a few days? At that point... yeah, I might do it again. Just to punish myself for being weak enough to do it this time.

5) what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? Unfortunately, nothing can change the situation I'm in. I can't call her and ask if she's gotten any of my letters, I just have to wait for the postal service. I can try thinking about other things though instead of how much I messed up and how bad she might be feeling, wondering why she hasn't gotten any mail.

6) how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? Tomorrow? Probably still numb and angry. In a few days? Regretful... maybe. If I do the other thing I came up with... I'm really not sure. I don't know if it'll make me feel better or not, I'm really really upset with myself right now.

7) what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? What do I really want to do... I want something chocolate. Lots and lots of it. I can't eat a whole lot at a time though or I just feel blech. And I want to cut, quite badly. (To clarify, I want it badly.) And I want... I want to talk to my friend and apologize and hear her say she doesn't hate me for screwing up, even though I know she doesn't and she'd be upset if she knew I thought she might. That's what I really, truly want more than anything.

Instead of all that though, I feel like I'm waiting for my parents to go to bed so I can cut without them knowing about it.

[Chimera]

I'm sorry that I didn't see this earlier. I hope you're doing alright.

At that point... yeah, I might do it again. Just to punish myself for being weak enough to do it this time.

Boy, can I relate to that. Hurting myself because I hurt myself. Talk about a paradox. If you do it once, there will be a temptation to do it again...and again...and again.

Unfortunately, nothing can change the situation I'm in.

Hurting yourself won't either. Well, it'd probably make things worse. And then you'd be mad at yourself for making a mistake when you were trying to help your friend *and* for slipping and losing your time free.


I understand that you're angry and disappointed in yourself. But you made a *mistake*. It could have happened to anyone. If the situation were reversed, and your friend had acidentally done the same thing, would you want her to hurt herself?

I did the same thing when I sent my little sister her Christmas present last year. I knew she wouldn't get much of anything, so I really went all out to make it special. Turns out I had mis-copied her address when she moved, and I sent it to an address that didn't exist. I felt awful- guilty and furious with myself, sad for her...and she wasn't angry at all. She tried to comfort *me* when she found out how upset I was about the situation.

Please try to be gentle with yourself. You were trying to help make someone's life better. Not everyone tries to do that for the people they love.

*thinking of you*

Jessica

[cb_47]

Thank you Jessica. I do feel a little better now, although when I think about how desperately she was wanting mail... However, I sent the first of it off last Tuesday and I haven't gotten it back yet, so I'm hoping that it will get to her eventually. Now that I have her correct address I can send more things of course... I just feel badly for letting her down like that.

You're absolutely right though, she would not want me to hurt myself. That's the last thing she would want... it would really upset her actually. I don't want to upset her any more than I already have...

I think that by the time I got around to posting this last night I had already decided not to SI; I just needed to get it all written down so I could see the reasons in black and white. It was strange--mentally, I knew I did not want to SI. Like I said, I didn't want to give up my time free, and I knew I would do it again if I broke down once. But emotionally... emotionally I'm still pretty tempted. I'm just hoping that for once in my life, my brain is stronger than my emotions.