after

[NobodyToYou]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
they don't really need anything.

what had happened just before?
I don't know. I am not even sure which episode today I want to post about. I am feeling more depressed, I think, but also kinda numb. So I don't know...ok, I have picked one. I got home from work and was getting ready to go to class tonight. I ate something and then cut and then left for class.

what were you thinking and feeling?
I don't know. I can't really remember feeling much...I think I am getting more depressed again. I remember having thoughts of SU, even though I know that I can't do that and it would hurt too many people. Part of me just wants to stop trying. Life feels so pointless right now...

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I don't think so...I am just really down right now, and I knew class was going to take some patience and concentration...I didn't want to go, but I didn't have a choice...I have had several episodes of cutting today, so it wasn't like I have been fighting that hard...I don't know.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I can't think this clearly. I don't remember my thought process and nothing actually happened. I know I could have made different decisions, but I don't actually remember deciding to cut. It just happened...this is getting weirder...I don't actually remember starting the cutting...what is wrong with me? I am suddenly thinking I might have been dissociating more than I realized, or else my memory is getting really bad...I want to talk to my T.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
No, but now I am thinking that I was probably a bit "not here"...how could I have not noticed it though? I just can't remember...I have about an hour that I can only sorta remember. I know it happened, I remember what was on TV (mostly)...but I can't remember what I was doing or thinking or feeling...this is weird.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I don't know if I tried anything, other than eating dinner. I am starting to feel panicky because my memory is so bad and this hasn't happened before...except once, I think. And I didn't like that.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
If I had realized I was "not here" I would have tried my grounding stuff. But I didn't know at the time that I was seriously dissociating...I knew I felt a bit disconnected, but I didn't think it was very bad.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Maybe I need to start trying to ground even if I only feel a little off...I have been kinda "gone" for several days on and off...maybe I never really got grounded enough. I feel a bit better rignt now because my cuts still sting and that seems to be grounding me more. Maybe that is why I have been doing this all day...wait, this isn't coping mechanisms. I am not answering the questions very well today.
Ok...grounding. And...gotta think...I can't think of anything else.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I don't know what it was. I am still depressed and still having some trouble with depersonalization/derealization. But I will go to sleep soon, so it won't really matter tonight. Tomorrow...I will talk to my T and try to do better at staying grounded.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I think I am probably still there, but I feel really numb right now. If I wasn't doing this, I could easily be in the same place...Still depressed, still not quite here. But I am going to try to do something else, anything else, to change the pattern. I don't think I am making any sense right now. I feel really weird...I am sorry. I hope this is better than I think it is right now...

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will hold my rock and sit in a quiet place. I will try to avoid stress for a few days so hopefully I can get grounded before finals start. I...I don't know. I ran out of ideas. I can't seem to think right now. Maybe I can come up with something later.

[Wandering]

I think to some extent you've helped yourself by doing these qu's - you seem to have realised a fair bit about the situation that you didn't spot at the time. And I think you've come up with some pretty good ways to deal with this in the future. Can you think of a way you'll remind yourself to try these things before SI next time?

Take care - hope you're feeling a bit more 'with it'
Andi