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Jaded · Post by **Jaded** » Fri Apr 22, 2005 12:17 am

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

the situation wont change, the feeling wont change in the long run I'll just be putting of thinking about it for a bit

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will bring more problems, it will put be back in a place I haven't been for a while. It will also stop me thinking that I deserve pain, I will have been punished for being me and so I can focus on the pain, it usually hurts a good while afterwards and I will have deserved it

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel more positively about the problem in the long run, I don't want to blame myself. Hurting myself will deepen my feelings that I am constantly at fault. It will also change the feelings about what happened with the doctor because if I'm hurting myself maybe I am sick enough and she was wrong.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

the relief will last a few hours, maybe a few days. then I'll want to hurt myself again and start up the old vicious cycle I have tried to escape

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could make myself a cup of tea, read, do some uni work, hassle my boyfriend for cuddles. It wont make what's upsetting me go away but it will distract me and once I've done all of those things the thing that is bothering me will possibly feel less awful, that or it will feel just as bad and I'll still hate myself and want to hurt myself.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

if I hurt myself I'll feel guilty and ashamed, I'll have to escape from my boyfriend because I'll feel like I have let him down. If I do the other thing I suppose I wont feel guilty but I'll still feel bad, still want to SI

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

what I really want to do right now...go hunt down the doctor from today and scream at her...
I want to hurt myself, I want to punish myself. I want to do horrible things and kick and scream. I think the best thing to do would be to curl up with a bear and try to sleep, see if I feel better about things tomorrow.

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Fri Apr 22, 2005 2:14 am

Hey,
From what I read, it sounds like the doctor today did something bad...perhaps dismissed your problems or made you feel invalidated?
I don't really know what is going on, but it sounds like you are angry with the doctor and want to take it out on yourself. If the doctor did something wrong, why should you hurt yourself? Maybe you can find a way to let the anger at the doctor come out without feeling like you have to direct it towards yourself. If you are somewhat childlike (like me) maybe draw a pic of the doctor, hang it in the bathroom and throw wet paper towels at it while you tell the doctor what he/she did wrong. Or put their picture on a pillow and beat it up. Or write a very very nasty letter to the doctor and then burn or shred it. Anything that lets the anger out without directing it at you.
Just because you feel angry doesn't mean you deserve pain. Just because the doctor did something wrong doesn't mean you should be punished.
I hope this helps.

Jaded · Post by **Jaded** » Fri Apr 22, 2005 5:10 pm

thank you

all of those things sound good...not just for the doctor who made me feel invalidated but also for everyone else in my life who seems to have done the same.

thanks

mallie · Post by **mallie** » Fri Apr 22, 2005 8:07 pm

Jaded wrote:It will also change the feelings about what happened with the doctor because if I'm hurting myself maybe I am sick enough and she was wrong.

Do you need to hurt yourself to prove this ? Who are you trying to convince, other people or yourself ?

In one part you say you want to hurt to punish yourself, but earlier you speak about not wanting to blame yourself. Do you really think you deserve punishment ? Is that a thought that comes from now, or is it an automatic thought that comes up when you feel this way ?

Jaded · Post by **Jaded** » Fri Apr 22, 2005 8:59 pm

no...I don't need to hurt myself to prove that there's something wrong, I just felt that because I hadn't SI'd in so long that the doctor wasn't taking me seriously, even if I did hurt myself now it would make no difference to their opinion, I wouldn't show a doctor anyway.

thought processes...I'm crying, it's my fault therefore I am bad, being bad deserves punishment, I must hurt myself and then I'll be punished and things will be ok.

It's an automatic thought, I don't actually want to keep blaming myself for things though, I know that logically I don't need to be punished but that doesn't stop the intrusive thoughts saying that I do.

I feel stupid.

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