After- again

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 3:27 am

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
They aren't bad enough to need any care.

what had happened just before?
I went out to eat with friends.

what were you thinking and feeling?
I was thinking that everything is going well and I should be feeling good. A friend saved a project that my computer ate. I had a good day. I had a class canceled tonight, went out to eat with friends (and they paid for me...good friends). But I still feel awful. I feel guilty and I don't know why. I feel depressed, but I can't figure out why. There is no reason for me to be thinking and acting this way!

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I don't know. I just did. I should have tried harder not to, but it seems so pointless to fight it.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I don't know. I don't know what to do with the way I am feeling, especially since I have no reason for it. I guess I was tired of acting like I am ok, so when I got home, I cut. I could have tried to do something else or distract myself, but I feel like I don't have the energy to fight it right now. Maybe I just don't care enough.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
No, there was no reason for it.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I didn't try anything. My tool was the first thing I reached for once I got home. I am being really stupid tonight. This is not good.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I don't know if anything would have helped, but there are so many things I could have tried. I could have done a "before." I could have checked to see if there are any friends online to talk to. I could have played a computer game or worked on my homework, or made hot chocolate for myself. I could have done so many different things, but I didn't even try.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I don't know. It wasn't a matter of not remembering. I just didn't care enough to try.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I feel stupid. I had no reason to do that. And I feel like doing it again. I am not very happy with myself right now.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I don't know. I expect I will be here again, but I don't know. I am so confused.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I don't know. I can make a list of coping things, but I am reluctant to commit to anything. I don't think I will follow through on it and I don't want to lie any more than necessary. If I am in the same situation, I would probably do the same thing, even though it makes me angry with myself.

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 3:35 am

If I am in the same situation, I would probably do the same thing, even though it makes me angry with myself.

what are you getting out of hurting yourself?

But I still feel awful. I feel guilty and I don't know why. I feel depressed, but I can't figure out why. There is no reason for me to be thinking and acting this way!

one thing you're doing is invalidating yourself. if you feel depressed & guilty then you feel depressed & guilty. even if you cannot pinpoint the reason. not being able to identify a reason doesn't mean there's no reason for the feelings.
i know for me... it gets to be this huge cycle... i get upset & invalidate myself so i get more upset & invalidate myself more... etc

I don't think I will follow through on it

why?

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 3:43 am

I really don't know what I am getting out of it. I must be getting something, or I wouldn't keep doing it. But right now it is not making me feel better. On the other hand, I am suddenly not sure I am trying to feel better. I don't know what I am trying to do. I am so confused.
As far as why I won't commit to trying other coping things...I am pretty sure I am going to cut again tonight. I don't really feel like fighting it. I know this is a bad decision and I know that I will probably regret it. On the other hand, I already feel bad enough. I don't want to try and fail. It is easier not to try.

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 3:49 am

It is easier not to try.

easier... yeah. one thing si is... is easy.
'easy' doesn't get ya too far though.

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 3:56 am

Nothing gets me very far...

I know I could try and fight this, but I am not sure I could win. Is there such a thing as "win"? I am absolutely sure that by tomorrow I will cut again, because I know the stress that is coming and that I haven't been able to make it for several months under that stress...so why am I putting it off? Why does it even matter?
I am sorry I am so negative right now.I am sure I will get over it eventually. You don't have to keep answering me if you don't want, cause I expect other people will benefit more from your time. I am feeling like a hopeless case right now.

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 4:04 am

I am absolutely sure that by tomorrow I will cut again

if you're absolutely sure that you will... then yeah you're probably right.

but I am not sure I could win

what would you lose by using 5 different ways of coping first?

so why am I putting it off?

my guess is that part of you doesn't want to.

Why does it even matter?

because it hurts you. because it makes things more difficult to deal with in the long-run. because it doesn't solve the problem.

You don't have to keep answering me if you don't want

yeah, i know i don't haveta. when i really don't want to then i don't

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 4:16 am

You are right, part of me doesn't want to. Why else would I still be online when I have no real reason to be?
I will try other things first...I will try hot chocolate, which will take me several minutes to drink. Then I will get in bed and read, and hopefully I can fall asleep without SIing again. I will try...I am still afraid to try cause I will feel worse if I fail. But I will try...
Ok, why do I feel so much more fragile now than I did a minute ago? Now I really feel weird.

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 4:30 am

one reason that it is harder to try... imo is the possibility of failure. of giving in/giving up/quitting... doesn't mean it's not worth it though

hope the hot chocolate is yummy & book is good... & that you're able to get some rest

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 4:37 am

Thanks for talking to me... hopefully I can make it the rest of the night.
Goodnight.

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 5:08 am

nite

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 3:19 am

I made it through the night without SI.
I am rather proud of myself, even though I didn't get very far this morning before I cut. But I didn't think I could get through last night, and I did. For me, that is a pretty big victory...

That sounds kinda silly, since it was only a few hours and I have already messed up again...

But I think I will try to hang on to good feelings as long as I can, since they don't happen too often.
Thanks for talking to me, Plantt. It helped a lot.

bus

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