Trying to keep my Year and Four Months Cut-Free

[{ Phoenix }]

Okay, I'm going to try to answer all of the questions:


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel like hurting myself because I feel lonely and depressed. I'm at this point because I'm sad and angry with myself and I'm all alone and I'm crying and I just want to be held.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, I've been here before. I was here last night. I think I slept to deal with it. Plus, Kevin and Michelle were around, and that helped distract me, but they're gone right now. I felt sick inside, and I didn't really deal with anything; I just shoved it aside.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I'm talking to Na-chan online, and I'm listening to praise songs, and I'm crying. Or, I was crying. Now I'm just sniffling. I think the crying helped a bit, but I'm scared to cry. I'm scared that once I start, I won't be able to stop. I think that reading a book and eating something might help me feel better, but there's nothing that I want to eat in this house....


How do I feel right now?
I feel... tired, lonely, sad, depressed, aching, upset, angry, hurt, wistful, empty, sick, hungry, like a crybaby... too vulnerable for my own comfort.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I will feel relieved, but in pain. It will hurt a lot, physically. It will be great to see the blood, to know that I am in control, to distract myself from the emotional hurt by giving myself physical hurt. It sound so, so good.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will feel so guilty, and I will hate myself for losing my one year and four months of being cut-free. I will probably not forgive myself. Plus, I will be embarrassed to show my arms/legs at work tomorrow.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
No, I can't control when I'm alone, because I don't have a car and Keivn and Michelle are going to go out sometimes. But in the future, I can make sure that I eat more regularly, and maybe in the future, my meds will kick in better.


Do I need to hurt myself?
No, but I really, really want to.

~~~~~~~

How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
It won't really change. I'll feel good for a little bit, and then I'll feel even more miserable, but for that split second, for maybe about five to twenty minutes, I'll feel wonderful. But after that... I'll feel horrible.


What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
It will bring momentary peace, and then lasting guilt. It will take away the lack of control that I feel, though. It will take away the helplessness that I'm experiencing. And it will distract me from the emotional pain.


How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel in control, and peaceful. If I hurt myself, I'll feel in control and peaceful for about five to twenty minutes, but then I'll feel out of control again, and then very, horribly guilty. In fact, I'll probably feel so guilty about hurting myself that I'll contemplate suicide.


If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
It will only bring relief for about five to twenty minutes. After that, I don't know what I'll do. I'll be back where I started, except feeling so guilty that I'd be suicidal.


What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
I could keep talking with my Na-chan, and maybe eat a bowl of cereal for dinner, once the dishes are done washing. That might calm me down and steady me a bit. Then, later, maybe I could read a book, to take my mind off of things. It might last for at least an hour, maybe more, depending on how wrapped up I get in the book, and when I have to go to bed.


How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
If I hurt myself, I'll feel guilty and suicidal. If I use the other way to cope, I'll feel resigned... proud that I didn't cut, but frustrated that I had to cope in the first place. Still, it's better than feeling suicidal.

What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to be in Na-chan's arms, because he's good at comforting me. But since he's hundreds of miles away, I'll have to settle for talking to him online. I think I want to SI to get control over the situation, and to push away the bad feelings by distracting myself with pain. The best way to overcome that is to distract myself in other ways, instead, like reading a book and having a bowl of cereal.

Okay... I think I'm feeling a bit better now. I'm not crying anymore, and I'm feeling less likely to cut. Still... thoughts and hugs are appreciated.

Feeling shaky,
Catrina

[NobodyToYou]

It sounds like you have thought this through and know what is likely to help you...I think eating is a good idea, even if nothing sounds good, cause it can really help.
I am really impressed with how clearly you can think even though you are upset. You know what you are feeling, what you want and don't want, and how things will affect you in the long run.
I don't know what I can tell you, other than try to stay strong. You have a good plan...maybe pick a book you know will "hook" you and escape into it for a while.
Lots of good wishes!