Before.

[PoisonIvy]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Initially I think I'll feel better. I won't be constantly worried about what it will be like when I finally do. I've gone 2 months without doing it and I've only have a few urges. This is the first time that I've been allone for a long time, a long enough time that I don't have to worry about someone walking in, or noticing right away. I could actually enjoy the feeling, really soak it in.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It wouldn't really bring anything. But it would take away the fear that the longer I wait the worse it is going to be. Sometimes I think about how it might be better to do one small cut everyday then to fight the urges and hold on and let it grow inside of me till I can't stand it anymore.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't want to let other make me feel guilty about messing up if I don't end up making it. I want to feel as though I don't have to worry anymore. The last time I waited (it was 3 months) the scars never went away. It bothers me.
I'm more likely to feel guilty if i go through with it. But I won't worry about it anymore.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it doesn't necisarily seem like the best option right now, in a way its more of a way of protecting myself in the future. As finals come closer, and as I have to work more days I don't see myself making it much longer. I couldn't say how long the relief would last. Usually after I've gone awhile and I start again it's pretty nasty for the first few weeks and I do it a lot. But then I slow down again. I don't know what to do. I can't have marks, because of my job. I don't want Iouri to see. He'll make me feel stupid.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could sleep. I should be sleeping. The thing is, how long am I going to have to sleep to supress what I'm feeling. Why can I never write something here that will actually fix things instead of supress them down. The change will last till the next time I'm allone, or the next time I'm upset, then I'll just sleep again.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel guilty but releaved. Guilty because I've gone so long, but yet releaved because then I won't have to live up to anyone's expectations again. Everyone will just know that I'm a failure and leave it at that. Then I'm free to do it without feeling guilty.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
What I really want is not to be allone. I really want Iouri here. I can't expect him to be here all the time. I know that he needs to see his parents sometimes, and it has been 3 weeks. But it tears me apart when he is gone. I always have the same answer for this last question. The best way I can honor the self protective instinct is to just not do it, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to or that it might be better to in the end.


A few questions:
Am I really sick to want Iouri to be here all the time? We've been living together for about 8 months and even when he goes to work sometimes I feel like he'll never come back. I'd do anything to keep him here all the time. This is the first night we've been apart in a long time and I even think about having a normal sleep with him not here. I'm afraid to even turn out the light. I've never been afraid like this before.

Is it better to have a lot of really deep cuts every few months or to have one really shallow cut every few days?

Thanks
Meagan

[plantt]

But it would take away the fear that the longer I wait the worse it is going to be

simply because there's a fear... & a thought... doesn't make it inevitable. the more we act in the same way... the more inevitable it seems... but it doesn't mean it cannot ever change or end up differently.

how long am I going to have to sleep to supress what I'm feeling.

it sounds like the major feelings in this situation are fear & lonliness/sadness... how could you deal with those feelings without sleeping or cutting? what else have you tried?

The best way I can honor the self protective instinct is to just not do it, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to

*nods* wanting to is very different from actually doing. the want is there... no doubt about it. & it can be really difficult to deal with.

I feel like he'll never come back

has he given you reason to think that? how could you remind yourself that he will come back? are there ways to make him seem closer while he's gone?

Is it better to have a lot of really deep cuts every few months or to have one really shallow cut every few days?

are those the only two options?

[PoisonIvy]

Plantt, first off thanks for replying. It means a lot that you took the time for me.
I realize that because I'm afraid about the amount of time that I've gone without SI doesn't mean that the next time I will it will be as bad as I think. In fact when I'm thinking a little more rationally I feel as though after one or two I'll get scared and stop. I'm still afraid right now. My urges are quite high this morning, even though Iouri came home last night. I suppose it is because he is sleeping.
About the sleeping, I feel like thats all I ever do to deal with the urges that I get, because it's the only thing that I've really found that works. Most of the time when I have urges that are based on being lonely there isn't too much I can do becuase it's usually quite late. I've called friends before, and in fact, most of that night I was on the phone.. But eventually everyone has to go to sleep and I'm back to being allone and abandoned.
I never liked that self protective question. I always have the same answer. The thing is, what I write isn't necisarily how I feel. Of course its the best was to protect myself, but what else can you do to honor that feeling?
Iouri has never given me the reason to think that he wouldn't come back. But I've always been afriad. I'm always scared that while he's gone he'll think about all the negative qualities that I have and just decide that he likes it better when I'm not around. Sometimes I'm afraid that he'll meet someone else and forget all about me. It hurts so much, because I think these things, and it just kills me. I barely made it through one night, what about if he were to actually leave me. What would I do then?
You know, I thought a lot about my options. I didn't realize that there were more then two. I can't think of any others at this moment. But at least I know that there are others.

Thanks again.
Meagan

[plantt]

Plantt, first off thanks for replying

you're welcome

it might be worth coming up with ideas of how to cope with lonliness.... now while he's back.... & then next time you're feeling that way to use those new ideas & see how things go... then if you feel that's not enough to find more ideas to add in... kinda trial & error....

it's the only thing that I've really found that works.

what does it mean to you when you say 'works'?

there isn't too much I can do becuase it's usually quite late

*nods* it can really limit options in the sense that often it needs to be things that you don't normally do during the day.. means you have to be more creative
eg. if you need to stay indoors... make play-doh. play with play-doh. sculpt an entire farmyard out of play-doh. read childrens books aloud. learn to stand on your head. organize your sock drawer. bake bread. learn to crochet. run in place.

I never liked that self protective question. I always have the same answer. The thing is, what I write isn't necisarily how I feel. Of course its the best was to protect myself, but what else can you do to honor that feeling?

by 'what else can you do...' do you mean other than sleep? or other than stay safe? or something else? i wasn't quite sure what you meant on that part...
*nods* i think... maybe what you write is what you know is best & what will get you to your long-term goals... yet it clashes with the bit of you that's wanting to act on the urge.
sometimes as tough as it is to do... what's needed is to simply get through the urge without making things worse/acting on the urge... there's not an 'easy' way...there's not always something to be done *in that moment* that would make the situation a whole lot easier/less painful... it's more a... get through until you can do something about the situation or the situation naturally changes... & learning to deal with the emotions...

what is it about being alone that bothers you? could you work on that?

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