After .

[narcoleptic]

Seems like a general standard, so I should mention there might be trigs in this. I don't think anything serious but some of it for me is, so I guess if you're upset easily, even by angstful teenaged idiots like self, then don't read.







• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes.

• what had happened just before?
I was talking to my friends and I just couldn't communicate how awful I felt. I don't know what words to put what I feel into...

• what were you thinking and feeling?
that they were idiots because I felt like I had been there for them when they needed me. I then realized I really haven't been and that I don't have a proper friendship with them, I felt like an outsider. which was strange, because I had no reason to.

• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I just... realized I couldn't force people to understand and I can't say things straight out right because I'm too afraid of how they'll react. I could tell them I feel like crap, but I just... can't talk about it. I can't even write "cut" sometimes. or say it aloud. I just felt so pathetic.

• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I really could've talked instead of taking everything personally. they're my friends, they're not trying to hurt me.
Also, teacher asked me if I was alright today. I thought I was past that. I mean, I guess I still am the same. It's just they all asked me why I looked so down so I faked smiles and looked up, not down and tried to smile more. But I realized I'm not fooling anyone. Even mom sometimes says I'm not getting better in therapy. and I really thought I might be.

• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I meant to go to sleep several hours ago. I don't know. I hate sleeping pills and drugs and pills of all sorts. I remember I used to take up to (number edited. plantt) advil every morning and then there was ritalin, I don't take anything now, and I'm afraid to touch it.

• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
shower, cleaning, trimmed nails, im-ing, putting lotion on excessively. Well... I smell good.

• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Talking. Being honest with everybody can't be worse than hurting myself. Writing. Sometimes I show my poetry to others, if they like it, I feel worthwhile... or, I'll go to sleep, eat something, drink tea or water, exceirsixe.

• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
hide anything I could hurt myself with. Leave out more pens. I don't know how I can make myself talk.

• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It's not. and that's why I'm here again. I stopped around october and occasionally didn't until febraruy, but now every few days I just have to do something, even a small scratch. god, I'm pathetic. I should talk to the therapist, but it's hard enough for me to talk about my mother and know that my feelings are going to be taken seriously. I mean, what if they decide I'm horrible? insane?

• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Maybe I'll hug my mother. I'll stop thinking people hate me, and talk to someone.

• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Running outside, (fresh air), making sure I ate properly that day, and trying to take care of my sleeping habits/school work.

[plantt]

hello

I then realized I really haven't been
--how did that make you feel? (ok that's a really corny question & i want to either smack people, laugh hysterically, or give a highly sarcastic answer when people ask me that what i mean is it sounds like a situation that'd make you feel guilty & regret & how could you deal with those feelings... noticing thoughts is good... can help to also get to the emotion behind the thought)

I don't have a proper friendship with them, I felt like an outsider. which was strange, because I had no reason to.
--how would you define 'proper' friendship? i'd guess... that you did have a reason to feel like an outsider... or you'd not have... even if it's simply because of how you were thinking about things... what would your guess be as to what was causing you to feel like an outsider?

I couldn't force people to understand and I can't say things straight out right because I'm too afraid of how they'll react. I could tell them I feel like crap, but I just... can't talk about it. I can't even write "cut" sometimes. or say it aloud. I just felt so pathetic
--*nods* is true. you cannot force people to understand. what would be the worst possible way they could react? do you think it'd be worth it... to chance getting a 'bad' reaction... to try saying things straight out? or to maybe practice typing things straight out here on the board... & practice rewording things & all? when you say 'it' you mean cutting?

I thought I was past that. I mean, I guess I still am the same.
--everyone has a bad day now & then. even people who'd never consider si'ing. do *you* think you're getting better? do *you* think therapy is helping? not all changes are noticeable to others. often the things i work on in therapy aren't things anyone else would be able to say 'oh you're working on *this* now huh...' it doesn't mean that therapy isn't helping or that i'm not changing though

Well... I smell good
--is good those sound like very helpful things. ways to nurture yourself.

what if they decide I'm horrible? insane?
--what if they did? then what?

hide anything I could hurt myself with. Leave out more pens. Running outside, (fresh air), making sure I ate properly that day, and trying to take care of my sleeping habits/school work.
--*nods* those sound like helpful things to add in

[Chimera]

Hey. I just wanted to say that I can relate to not being able to be honest with people about how I'm really feeling. Sometimes when I'm feeling really dreadful but am unable to directly *tell* someone the truth, I'll write it out instead, and then ask them to read it. I am usually able to answer questions and discuss it from there with them.

Showing people your poetry sounds like the same kind of idea.

Take care.

Jessica