# have you taken care of your physiacl wounds?
Yes. This happened yesterday.
# what had happened just before?
A few hours hours before, my boyfriend said he thinks I have been spiralling downwards in the last week, asked if I had taken my meds. I explained how I had cut down on them, at first just as directed by my pdoc but then I quit taking them altogether which I wasn't supposed to. He asked me to please take them again.
# what were you thinking and feeling?
Thinking: I should be able to deal without chemicals - Feeling: ashamed
Thinking: It's nice that he notices how I'm doing - Feeling: pleased
Thinking: Gah, I'm way too transparent - Feeling: angry
Thinking: So what, I have no future anyway - Feeling: hopeless
Thinking: Everyone else gets to tell me what to do - Feeling: angry
Thinking: But I should listen to him, he cares - Feeling: warm
Thinking: I don't deserve anyone to care - Feeling: hateful, sad
Later, when I was alone:
Thinking: If I SI, the bad images might go away - Feeling: desperate
Thinking: It's ok to do it, it means nothing - Feeling: numb
# why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
Not so much an event as no restrictions. I was home alone, didn't have any commitments for the rest of the day.
# how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
Have been feeling depressed for weeks, but I was managing (not feeling so good but mostly acting ok) despite various stressors until I lowered and then quit meds one week ago.
# were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Med issues, as above. I should have talked to somebody about it as soon as I started to slide. It would have been better to call pdoc while I was still functional and discuss options, than to wait for a crash.
No alcohol, lots and lots of sleep, a bit less exercise than usual.
# what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Sleep, had coffee with friend, net surfing, crochet, sing aloud to happy/angry music. Helpful for the moment, esp. being with friend cheered me up. No lasting effect, i.e. felt the same as before afterwards, actually felt horrible right after seeing friend.
# in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I could have gotten out of the house to not be alone, but I strongly suspect that would just have been postponing. I don't have very good experience of being able to stop myself from self harm once I have gotten the idea settled enough in my head. Even if I stall for weeks, the urge doesn't necessarily go away. It's not like a momentary thing, more obsessive. Bleh, don't know how to handle this.
# name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Don't know... it's not quite that I feel out of options when I SI. It's that I'm in a mindset where I don't want to use those other options. So don't know how to convince myself when I don't want to be convinced.
# how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Have resumed meds at the dosage that had some effect before. Have called pdoc, he wasn't there today though. Have not cancelled T appointment today (which I was very tempted to do). Will give current stash of tools to b/f (not a solution in itself as I can get new ones, but hey maybe reduces temptation).
# are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Probably.
When I feel like I want to withdraw from people, esp. when I notice I will talk to people about their stuff but not talk about mine, I should make an effort to reach out instead.# what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Things I could do, though I honestly don't know how committed I am once the situation arises...
- talk to b/f, T or a friend (depending on who is available)
- go for a walk
- paint
Not a lot I can do about that, but I can be more alert to when I use meds (too much or too little) for self-sabotage.